Why I'm Glad I Went to a 12 Step Group When I Did

My brother and I were still living with our parents -- post his college graduation and my mental breakdown -- when this conversation happened. The four of us were having dinner together; I don't remember how we got on the topic, only that we discussed how my sister (who has a Masters in Psychology) is of the opinion that everyone ought to participate in a 12 step program because they're so helpful.

At this point in my life, I had just finished doing a show - my first show in more than 12 years and my very first show as musician - and, although my mental health had been stable for over a year, my stress level was still elevated from the show. That being said, I surprised myself by announcing that I'd be quite fine with going to a 12 step group -- if one existed for people with mental health struggles (I didn't want to go to an AA meeting even though I'm told that everyone is welcome there). And so from there, I emailed the therapist that I was seeing at the time and asked her if she knew of any 12 step groups that would be good for me. She knew of two; one was Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and the other was Celebrate Recovery. I got on Celebrate Recovery's website, found contact info for the group that was closest to me and emailed the leader. I received a warm, welcoming and inviting email back and, due to a previously scheduled conflict, put it on my calendar to go in a couple of weeks.

The day of, I went to work, per usual, and was insanely anxious the whole day in anticipation of going into something so unknown by myself. I was so determined to do it, though, so I took my emergency medication to help me calm down and texted my family to ask them for prayers. While the seconds ticked away at work, I was amused that I didn't mind any of the children's behavior since it worked as such a great distraction for me.

And then I went. It was one of the first times following my breakdown that I went to a new place for the first time without having driven there the day before to figure out where it was (my intention being to give myself one less thing to be anxious about). This time, I drove confidently and parked out of sight of the door. A few minutes before the meeting began, I finally took a deep breath and walked through the doors like I knew what I was doing. I walked up to a couple of people who were sitting at a table chatting. It turns out that one of them was the group's leader (who I had emailed) and the other a woman who would be in my small share group. I was warmly welcomed and was immediately aware of a strange confidence I had, despite my anxiety, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

The meeting went very well. I felt loved, included and understood. When I returned home, I told my mom that I would be going back the following week. And I did!

I attended every week for an entire year before COVID hit and in that time I formed friendships with people who I saw myself being friends with and even a few who I thought I'd never be friends with. Two of the girls I met there are now my best friends and, with a couple of other girls who we've brought in through different connections, we now do weekly movie nights. And each week as we're watching the movie, it's a wonder to me how I got here. Before my childhood best friend died, I was so lively and outgoing. Then, for 12 years, I lived in ignorance of the anxiety and isolation that I experienced every day. I finally got to therapy but only after a mental breakdown. Then came a show which gave me the courage to go to a 12 step group and I'm now the happiest I've been since childhood!

These life experiences and choices have been hard and, at times, excruciating but today I can confidently say that absolutely all of it has been so worth it. And Celebrate Recovery? Going was one of the best choices of my entire life.

I'm no longer able to allow comments on individual posts but you are welcome to email me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you! Keep your heart up!

SARAHFIDDL3R@GMAIL.COM

Song Parody: Cleansing Gel

The story behind the songwriting process...

First, there was a friend who asked me, mid-conversation, if I was worried about coronavirus. My answer then remains honest now: "No".

Then there was a post on Facebook remembering a song parody that had been written during the swine flu pandemic.

Finally, there was a Catholic speaker who I love who shared about one of her favorite ways for finding joy in the midst of self-quarantine: Christmas music!

Thus the idea for writing a song called Cleansing Gel to the tune of Silver Bells was born in my mind.

Two weeks later, I finally had a quiet morning to myself (yesterday). I was sitting on the couch, sipping my morning tea and trying to find the motivation to open the book that I had on my lap when the lyrics just came. Still sitting on the couch, I started sorta singing, "Panic buying, people crying... there's no toilet paper... in the air there's a feeling.... of terror". At which point I stood up, smiling with excitement, and went to get paper and a pen while saying aloud, "Oh my gosh, this is getting real!". I finished the first verse and chorus, recorded and sent it to my family, then hopped in the shower hoping that that would help the next verse to come along.

Meanwhile, my family absolutely loved it. My dad said it could go viral (I was more excited that he liked it that much) and my Mom asked if they could share it. I explained that what I had shared with them was only the rough draft. Another verse was coming and it would likely be all done and ready to share later that day.

I was almost done drying my hair when the lyrics started flowing out of me for the second verse. "Jobs are closing, germs are spreading." I sat with that for a few minutes trying to think of what the next line would be. I looked at the lyrics for Silver Bells to learn from how it was written and find inspiration for Cleansing Gel. I wrote the line which mentions China while second-guessing myself that that was even where it all began. Then I had to bring the song back to the US and wrote that next line. Finally, I had to bring it all back to the main theme and smooth out that transition.

The song was done. I just wanted that final affirmation from my family before sharing it so I went ahead and recorded and uploaded it to YouTube since that was the simplest way to share the song as a whole with my family. They loved it and so I put it on Facebook.

Then I took a walk around my neighborhood to try, mostly in vain, to get Silver Bells out of my head. I was already excited about doing the process again and writing another song parody for these times but had no idea what topic or what melody. I have since answered both of those questions and am hoping that it won't take me another two weeks to create it!

On a somewhat related note, I'm beginning a 54 day rosary novena today for the end of the pandemic. Today begins 27 days of petition, followed by 27 days of thanksgiving to conclude on May 14 which is the feast day of St. Corona who is the patroness of plagues and epidemics. Everyone is more than welcome to join in prayer!

3 things I'm thankful for today: the ability to bring joy to others, rosary novenas, the joy of new life.

Meet My New Pet

I'd been considering getting a pet for weeks - almost since the new year - to help me manage anxiety. My first thought had been a betta fish but, really, they're only pretty. I wasn't excited about the prospect at all. Then I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, thought about the dwarf hamsters that my sister used to have and realized that I could get one for myself! A quick Google search later and I realized that this idea was very affordable and so I kept reading to refresh my memory on their care. I was getting increasingly excited!

Though it has been years, I've had dwarf hamsters before. During Elementary school, I had two albino dwarf hamsters: Blizzard and Sugar (one at a time, of course). I loved playing with them - as I did with all of our animals - and, looking back, I realized that they truly are very low maintenance.

So now, at this point in my life, I jumped at the possibility of getting another one. I knew it would be good for me and helpful for the anxiety and slight tendencies towards depression to have a little critter around for me to care for. After doing my research, I visited a small pet store during my work break to see about a cage. That pet store proved to be so small that choices were limited and animals were just as scarce. Those animals that were around, I very much enjoyed watching; I finally remembered how much joy animals give me and was a little sad to realize how long it's been since I really took the time to delight in them. Watching them now, I felt right at home.

I finished my work day and made a mental plan to go to a pet store near my home the following day (incidentally, on leap year). My Meyers-Briggs personality type is ANFP (Ambivert. It really should be official); knowing that I had a full morning of training for work on Saturday, I left the idea very much up in the air for myself as to whether or not I'd actually get one that weekend. As it happened, after I got home, it took me less than 10 minutes to turn around and get back in the car to go to the pet store hoping to bring home a dwarf hamster.

And so it came to be that, to celebrate Leap Year, I brought home an energetic goofball who I named Chryssie (short for Chrysanthemum).

The pet store where I got Chryssie was much bigger than the first one so I was even more in my happy place watching all the rodents sleeping soundly or scampering playfully about. The birds were very excited but I think that was largely because someone was buying one of them and an employee was trying to catch one with a net to bring it out. The parrots were so funny. I saw three of them; they already have names while they are in the store and the label on Sky's cage said that she will pose for you. Well, the silly thing did see me admiring her and, while she pretended to be eating with her back toward me, what she was really doing was turning her head -- apparently not actually interested in the little bit of food in her mouth -- around to look at me. Quite the charmer.

Chryssie was sound asleep when I first saw her (I had to look at the label to get a better idea of her coloring) so I found an employee to help me collect the things needed for her care and then woke her up from her peaceful slumber. 

Once home and after I had assembled the cage, I put her into her new home and watched her run and climb about as fast as Dash from The Incredibles for probably 10 minutes straight before she showed any signs of acclimation. It was fascinating to watch. Once she was settled, I went back to the pet store because I had somehow managed to walk out of there without her food. This hamster mama is off to a great start!

Hamsters are nocturnal but they do adapt to their owner's schedule. For Chryssie, that means she'll likely remain largely nocturnal since I work full-time. I'll handle her 1-2 times every day and she'll get some time in her round about exercise ball in the early mornings and usually in the evenings after work. I'm currently the most excited about letting her have a good dust bath. 

3 things I'm thankful for today: chicken noodle soup, The Gifts of Imperfection (Dr. Brené Brown), a "just because" phone call from my cousin over the weekend. 

My Indoor Garden || Learning How to Care for Real Plants

A hyacinth soaking up all the sunlight it can in the kitchen

February 9

We've been enjoying unseasonably warm weather here in Northern VA this Winter which, frankly, has been wonderful for my seasonal depression. Still, I've had absolutely no interest in testing those waters and so I've continued enlisting the help of coping skills both old and new. In light of the new, this year I've decided to try my hand at caring for indoor plants.

For those who know me in person, this is potentially laughable based on my history of killing succulents. My primary motivation to try this new experience was my alternative: buying myself fresh flowers about twice a month for the colder months. This route of caring for indoor plants is definitely more cost-effective and, frankly, I've found it to be more therapeutic as well.

When I was in the hospital following my mental breakdown 3 years ago, I learned that getting your hands into dirt is a great coping skill and surprisingly therapeutic. After being discharged, I attended a NAMI conference with my dad and, there, learned how to repot a plant. I couldn't tell you what the plant looked like and I didn't repot another one for three more years but I do remember the feel and the smell of the dirt. And for the moment that it took to complete the task at hand, nothing else in the world mattered to me. The otherwise constant physical pain of the severe anxiety left me and I can't even express how much I enjoyed the brief relief. The calm that I experienced was a moment of strength for me that gave me hope to keep fighting for another day.

Back to the new this year. I was motivated by my desire to decorate my little apartment. In mid-December, I bought myself a small pot of mini roses which, sadly but predictably, died within a couple of weeks. Then, right after that, one of my best friends gave me another small pot of flowers in celebration of the anniversary of my breakdown. I was so excited about them and sincerely hoped that they would last longer than the roses. They found their new home on a windowsill in my home and I soon fell into a rhythm of caring for them, watering them about once a week. Since they hadn't died yet, I purchased several mini plants from Trader Joes and added them to the windowsill. Again, I quickly fell into a rhythm of caring for them and soon learned how to read them accurately (one day, I noticed one of them wilting heavily. I immediately watered it and was delighted when I saw the next day that it looked good as new!).

The trial period for my plants ended (I unofficially gave myself about 3 weeks) and I bought a small indoor watering can. I was very surprised by how much that added to the therapeutic experience as a whole: I had no idea how fun it would be to walk around my apartment watering my plants!

Sweet philodendron looking all happy and perky in the living area

I currently have something like 15 indoor plants - most of which are those teeny tiny miniature $2 plants from Trader Joes - and they are all doing so well! Most of them reside on my bedroom windowsill and that's where I plan to repot them in a windowsill planter to give them a better chance at a longer life. Additionally, my mom gave me two pots of philodendrons. These are such a welcome sight for me as they were around the house during my childhood and I very much enjoy that they require little-to-no sunlight and so I can put them anywhere in a room.

The trial period

My sweet, simple indoor garden

February 24

I've repotted my plants, with my mom's help, in the last couple of weeks. Repotting them was immense fun. I had never picked the plants up from their tiny pots before those moments and I could finally see that they had maybe an inch of dirt to their name and that a couple of them wanted so badly to stretch their roots but just didn't have the space to. I'm so happy that they now do!

Along the way, my Mom showed me the mug that I had repotted a plant in at the NAMI conference with my dad. That's when I realized that I remembered the moment, the smell and the feel of the dirt and, of course, the temporary relief from the pain but literally nothing else. I still have no idea what the plant looked like but I thought I had replanted it in a pot and not a coffee mug! I took the mug back and repotted a succulent in it (which is quite possibly exactly what I did at the conference) and that gave me the idea to get several more nature-themed mugs (thank you, thrift stores!) to pot more succulents in and decorate the downstairs windowsill with.

Now that I'm gaining confidence in my ability to care for plants, I'm hoping to try caring for herbs. I've heard that they're harder - easy to underwater and overwater - but I'd be so interested in giving it a try, especially knowing how therapeutic the experience is.

I'd love to read your thoughts and tips about indoor plants and herbs. Please feel free to share in the comments!

Satisfied in God

During over a decade of living in severe isolation and ignorance of anxiety, I often found solace in this poem. It speaks truth not only to the deepest longing of the human heart -- namely, for relationship -- but also reminds me of the truth that I am seen, fully known, and loved by an incredible God who is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8). It was, for me, a source of strength and gave me hope that, one day, my life would be better than it was then. It's a joy to share this poem with you now. - Sarah

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A Poem Attributed to Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me. And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

3 Ways to Save Money Without Hardly Trying

I won't spell out my monthly income for you but, suffice it to say, I'm a preschool teacher. I'm also fairly visual (in addition to auditory and tactile) so I enjoy having pretty spaces. As it's now Winter, this is especially important to me in consideration of my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Well, a month or two ago, I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount I'd been spending on moving expenses. I talked myself through it, spoke with my spiritual director, and also had a meeting with myself to form a game plan for future spending. I outlined for myself a better way of keeping track of my finances and who, at the end of the day, I want to financially support. 

I'm now feeling so much better, which is absolutely wonderful, and I thought that I would write this post to share why that is. Here are the 3 things that made January amazing for me:

1. Thrift Stores

I grew up on Thrift store clothing. Then college and the first few years of life as a young professional happened and I forgot all about it. I've just recently got back into it; happily, in my area, there are many and I now frequent them during my work breaks whether I buy anything or not. 

Recently, I spent a Sunday afternoon at three different thrift stores and, yes, I did purchase things at each location but the most expensive (by a longshot) thing I bought was a $25 oil painting. I also recently added two pretty sweaters to my wardrobe for a grand total of $10.20. One I was looking for, the other I just loved and my inability to resist proved to work in my favor: it was my first time at that particular thrift store and I was informed that I had hit the "lucky number" - I'd had no idea that there was a $10 minimum for use of a card and I didn't have any cash on me! 

It does take some effort and energy and it can be hit or miss, but I've always enjoyed my thrift store finds so much more than my other clothing and this, for me, is probably because money stresses me out so much and wearing thrift store clothing just reminds me, happily, that I spent $5 or a total of $30 for 6 articles of clothing. 

2. Buy Nothing

Have you heard of these groups on Facebook? They're amazing. The point is to buy nothing; post pictures of the things you are intending to give away and someone will likely comment to claim within a day or two. One must ask permission to PM/DM (private message/direct message) you for your address for pick up and it's your choice whether you want to leave the object or article out on your front porch (no introductions necessary) or actually meet the person upon their arrival (I've done it both ways). 

The process also works in reverse, of course. People post their own pictures and those interested comment away on them. Hopefully, you will obtain lots of great things -- for free! 

I have given away things that I hadn't been able to just donate to a thrift store for sentimental reasons and I've obtained several pretty articles of clothing, a pretty chip/salsa pottery dish, and replaced my dishes -- all for free! It's just the best and I've also enjoyed getting to know our neighborhood's surrounding streets a bit better in the process.

If interested, just search for "Buy Nothing [insert your city or town]" and you'll probably have to answer a few administrative questions. They're closed groups, which make them safer for membership and community building. I learned of them through my mom and my sister, which was a really great referral and, furthermore, I really believe that this is another aspect of one of my favorite things to say and observe: "This is social media done right!". 

3. Be a Member of a Grocery Store

I most consistently shop at the same two locations of Safeway, so I became a member and punch in my phone number every time at checkout. It's fantastic to get discounts for most everything I buy!

Then, 98% of the time, I fill my car with gasoline at the Safeway station across the parking lot from the store (conveniently, right down the street from work in the same direction as my commute). I punch in my phone number there, too, and consistently get up to $0.40 off per gallon. 

The other thing that I would like to mention about Thrifting and Buy Nothing-ing, is that groceries are now the most expensive items on my "To Buy" list. When I realized that recently, it added a happy skip to my step. 

Feel free to leave questions or comments on this post below. I'll respond to them in a timely fashion especially because these are 3 things that I'm currently very excited about and have served to alleviate a lot of anxiety and some depression for me in recent weeks.

The Beauty of Vulnerability

It was, to me, a profoundly moving moment. I watched her face move from sorrow to devastation to tears she just could not hold back and I was shocked that her words almost didn’t even seem to reflect her emotions.

Sobbing, she said, “Please don’t leave me alone. Please reach out to me. I’m just really scared that I’ll always be alone.” My heart was breaking for her but simultaneously I was filled with awe and wonder. This girl was doing something I had never, ever done before: in all my years of isolation, anxiety, depression,  and loneliness, never once had I been brave enough to ask people to reach out to me. I was afraid of rejection. I believed that no one saw me, wanted me, or cared enough to care about me. Now in this moment, I was absolutely in awe of the strength and courage that she showed in her fear and vulnerability.

She taught me that it’s always ok to ask for help. I’ve recognized that the main fear that holds me back from asking is others’ reactions to my need. “How can you be so stupid as to not already know this?” are the lies that swim around in my head. “You’re better off Googling the answer and figuring it out for yourself. Spare yourself the embarrassment of their reaction.” Or perhaps ask anyway and the relationship that that invites opens the door to all kinds of possibility! Maybe you’ll create an inside joke or stumble on something awesome that you never knew you had in common with the other.

I remind my little preschoolers a million times a day to use their words. I wonder how much my life could change for the better if I practice what I preach? The art of communication can be so daunting —  right? —  but art invites creativity. Fear is suffocating and crippling. Mold thrives in darkness but shrinks away in the light.

As I watched her tears stream down her face, I thought how beautiful it is that she was fighting against despair. Her words and her tears showed that she had no intention of living in the darkness. And let me say this: I don’t think it’s an accident that tears are shaped like seeds. Allow them, give them the proper care, and watch them blossom into the seemingly impossible, beautiful reality of what God intended them to be.

My Word of the Year for 2020

It was Thanksgiving and the dear friend sitting opposite to me at the table asked me about New Years resolutions. Do I make them and, if so, are they successful? Is it even worth thinking of them? I'm not sure whether or not my answer surprised her; I oftentimes find that my answer does. I proceeded to tell her about my tradition of choosing a word of the year as a kind of checkpoint for the year. My word for 2019 was "Brave". I was inspired by St Joan of Arc ("I am not afraid... I was born to do this!" and "In God's Name, let us go on bravely!") and C.S. Lewis ("Courage, dear heart."), and was it ever perfect! I certainly felt anxious and afraid but I never lost my determination:

Brave.

In January, I continued going to Church even though I had a panic attack during almost every Mass I attended.

In February, I suffered a panic attack on Valentine's Day but, despite my great reluctance, did life anyway the very next day.

In March I began attending a 12 Step Christian support group. The first time I went, I was so scared that I had to take my emergency meds to calm down... now it's been 9 months!

In April, knowing my newly diagnosed allergy to mold could possibly cause a panic attack at my parent's Church, I attended the Easter Triduum solo for the first time at a neighboring Church.

In May, I learned that several coworkers were leaving and I knew that my job title would change which was both terrifying and exciting.

In June, I began hiking most every weekend with a new small group of friends and we so enjoyed getting to know each other better.

In July, the Summer's heat and humidity triggered my anxiety almost every day but I still made myself do life and hydrated as much as possible.

In August, I celebrated my birthday with friends, old and new, at a party hosted by a good friend. My goal was to have fun and meet people and she invited people I'd never met before. By the night's end, everyone expressed how glad they were that they'd come.

In September, I moved out of my parents home and it really didn't take me too long to settle into my new home nestled in the woods by a lake with some of our longtime family friends. Less than a week after I moved, my letter was published on The Catholic Woman blog and I published a follow-up post on my blog about my experience of being suicidal. The latter is now the second most-read post on this little blog with more than 200 views; I don't expect to ever find out how many people read my letter but traffic to my social media accounts increased after its publication and I continue to receive messages from readers who are sharing their hearts with me and asking questions of my story regarding their own stories.

In October, I went on my very first airplane and enjoyed a trip to Colorado with my family.

In November, I joined a cast with my violin and rehearsed for a holiday show.

In December, the show opened, was immense fun and I loved and enjoyed every moment of it. It was especially wonderful to meet and greet people after the show and realize how many of them were people I've met since doing my last show. I love that I spent so much time this year branching out and building a great network of friends both new and old!
I'm not letting go of or burying "Brave"; if anything, I think I've started a new trend for myself! And my new word for 2020:

Rhythm.

I'm inspired by a song lyric from Carrie Underwood (which I think can be beautifully spiritualized), "Dancing to the rhythm of [His] heartbeat", and a quote from Ann Voskamp, "The fastest way to joy is slow".

I told my friend sitting opposite of me at the table that the first thing I'm doing is easing myself off most of my social media accounts. I've already closed my Instagram account and hope to be off Facebook in the next 6 months. I encourage those who wish to continue following my blog to subscribe via email on the righthand side underneath my picture.
Getting off social media is honestly a long time in the coming and, though I'm sad to not see updates from many of the incredible people I've been following for years, I'm excited for the year ahead and to be more and more invested in real life.

Lord, find me grateful!

Dec. 28, 2016: The Day My Life Began to Change for the Better

One year ago today, I published my first post on this blog as a small celebration of the second anniversary of my mental breakdown.

My breakdown happened while I was visiting my parents and my sister had just finished giving me a haircut. After I fainted twice consecutively, I was transported to the ER where I was eventually sent home with the paper that tells you to follow up with your PCP within 48 hours of an ER visit.

I dreaded my first anniversary. My therapist tried hard to help me think of it in a new light but a "spiritual awakening" just didn't sit well with me. I told her that I was so afraid of having a panic attack and fainting again. At last, the only thing that helped even just a little bit was recognizing the significant amount of therapy I'd been through in the meantime and realizing that I was in much better health now then I was before.

Last year, as my second anniversary approached, I was still not excited about it but neither did I dread it. I quietly prepared to start my blog on the anniversary and, the day before, I stopped on my way home from work and bought a piece of tiramisu that I would eat at work the following day to celebrate my anniversary.

And that worked. Just that small, delicious celebration that I treated myself to completely changed my perspective on my anniversary and made it a day that I realized truly is one to celebrate. Though the immediate aftereffects of the day was the hardest experience of my life thus far, I now can see that December 28, 2016 is the day that my life began to change for the better.

Today is 3 years since my mental breakdown - something that seemed impossible to me during the intensity of my suicidal ideations. I've now been at my current job for as long as I was at my "dream job" (read my letter for reference) and I can't believe how much happier I am and how happy I am - but I sure am loving it! I did a holiday show again this year. Last year I was stressed out as I learned the process of creating a show (but I still had an overall incredible time!); this year, I was relaxed as I trusted the process while giving my all at work and at the theater. Today, I'm enjoying brunch and a movie with several friends -- most of whom I didn't even know at the time of my breakdown!

I am alive, happy and embracing opportunities I never thought I could and I truly believe that I am better for them. Lord, find me grateful!

Grieving a Loved One Who has Completed Suicide

After my letter was published, I received many messages from readers, several with some really hard questions. With the holidays approaching, I thought it might be a good time to share one of them in particular, one that was about grieving a loved one who had completed suicide.

I want to be very clear here and say first that I've never known someone personally who has completed suicide. I know people who have stopped themselves from attempting, people who have died from accidental overdoses, people who have been killed in line of duty and people who have died naturally. I do know what it's like to be suicidal and so my answer to this question comes from my experiences of coping with my own mental illness as well as my experiences with grief.

This dear reader shared with me that the hardest part for her about grieving a loved one who has completed suicide is struggling with all of the "What if I had known?" questions.

I want you to know, dear reader, that gentleness and kindness are both fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians chapter 5). Perhaps you're in turmoil right now and that's completely understandable; I really encourage you to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for an increase of gentleness and kindness with yourself in your own life.

There's truly no need to be hard on yourself over the "What if" and "If I had only known" questions - being hard on yourself is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit. You did the best you could with the information that you had. Now you have a beautiful opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and Mary who both knew the anguish of grief so very, very deeply.

Allow them into your suffering. It oftentimes helps me to ponder a story of Jesus from the Bible and to stand there in the story, with Mary by my side (regardless of whether or not Scripture says she was actually there). Let Mary share her heart with you as you gaze upon Jesus. Let her wrap her arms around you at the foot of the Cross. She knows the heart of her Son better than anyone and she knows your heart, too.

Know that you are so loved by a God who is bigger than mental illness, bigger than the questions and fears, and who has already conquered death.

My Life is Unrecognizable

"Enjoy this time. Believe me, your life will become very full soon enough," said my therapist after I told her that my days really weren't very exciting. She always began our sessions, after greeting me, by saying "Tell me everything" and I loved it about her. And now as she spoke these words to me, I truly did believe her.
I smile back on that day now. It was before I entered remission following my breakdown, before I landed my current job, and while I could wash my then very long hair in the late morning then sit outside in the Summer sun for the next hour or so while it slowly dried. Every day. It was during those few months that the thing I looked forward to the most were my weekly meetings with this therapist. I smile thinking of how I lived those days. They were slow but they were so good for me. I was learning how to embrace my life in the now, caring less and less about yesterday or tomorrow. I was learning to love the present.

And my therapist was absolutely correct. Life sure did become so much more full and it really didn't take long! I spent that school year learning the lay of the land at my new -- current -- school and loving every bit of it. The following year, I was promoted to working full-time and did a show as musician. Though my "yes" to the show was oh-so-reluctant, I ended up rediscovering my love of music and accidentally discovered a new passion!

My life today is unrecognizable to the girl who sat outside letting her hair dry slowly in the Summer sunshine. In fact, I recently enjoyed a day of doing very, very little and I basked in the simplicity of it, chuckling with gratitude about how much I love my beautifully full and abundant life now, so much so that slower days like these no longer make me feel stuck in my state of singleness. On the contrary, they make me feel strong knowing that my life now has a healthy balance of rest, work, socializing, passions, nutrition, reading, writing, music and all of the sweet little things that I enjoy doing and being.

This is a good, wonderful, abundant life. Lord, find me grateful!

My First Airplane Experience was...

… terrific!

The lodge where we stayed. Makes me dream of the Sound of Music!

We'd been planning this trip to Colorado to visit my sister for almost 2 years and I'm still not sure that I can actually believe that it really happened. Two years ago, I was still in the very earliest stages of recovery after my mental breakdown and the prospect of getting on an airplane (something I'd never done before) seemed literally impossible to me. In fact, I was pretty sure that my family -- if this really happened -- would simply go without me. And I was more or less ok with that at the time.

You may remember this post about how Eleanor Roosevelt helped form my approach to anxiety in which I used my real-life fear of airplanes as an analogy for finding freedom; I linked to it in my most recent post in which I announced that one of my top goals for this blog (namely, to write a post about the first time I went flying) was about to come to fruition. For context, I've pretty much always had a fear of flying and absolutely no experience with it. Forms of transportation such as driving and the DC metro stress me out regularly so I figured that something grand and adventurous like airports and airplanes would be the death of me.

Then my breakdown happened and life seemed literally impossible (you probably know that I just wanted to end it all). But then, as I sat in that "dentist" chair receiving TMS therapy (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) for mental illness, my eyes almost constantly wandered to that poster on the door with that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt -- "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" -- and I could not shake the image of me in an airplane (sans destination. The important part was airports and airplanes).

In short, my perceived inability to do airports (which was about 90% of my fear) was a huge obstacle in my life.

My younger sister flew out to Colorado several days before the rest of us and she kindly sent me play-by-play videos of as much as she could of her airport experience. That was incredibly helpful. But the pearl of wisdom from her that helped me the most was the text message that told me that airports are simpler than the metro. I can't even express the amount of anxiety that left me when I read that. And I found it to be entirely true.

Sunrise behind us flying West; hiking with our nephew to build a snowman; view from the lodge

As far as 9/11 was concerned, I really didn't struggle with a fear of death or catastrophe. If the thought crossed my mind, I simply reminded myself that there have been many, many more successful and safe flights and people hop on airplanes to just about anywhere all the time. I also have a favorite quote from the movie Sully that I was looking forward to discovering for myself. Early in the movie, Sully and his co-pilot are in the cockpit. Just as they're getting to cruising height and before the bird strike, Sully sighs, taking in the beauty of the day and the sight of the Hudson River, saying "Life is so much simpler up here," and his co-pilot contentedly agrees. I've never flown an airplane before and don't ever expect to, but I think I now know the feeling they experience.

The only part that I didn't like much  (I'd call it the most frustrating part of the whole experience -- more so than the kid sitting behind me on the first flight who would occasionally kick the back of my seat) was looking down at the ground and having absolutely no idea what State we were flying over.

We hiked a mountain, built a snowman, then hiked back

My favorite part? I'm no extrovert but I love people and learning about their creative sides. One of the things that got me through the airport experiences was observing all the systems in action (which also helped me to stay in the moment and not worry about the next step). From checking bags and not seeing them again until baggage claim (someone had to think of that idea and create a system) to why on earth anyone would want a job that I cannot understand desiring (TSA people... God bless you!), it just fascinated me to see the fruits of others' creative geniuses.

I love seeing and meeting new people because I'm so curious about their life story up to the point where our paths cross and, of course, beyond.

At our terminal, watching the plane leave before our own arrived to take us back to Virginia

I was especially grateful to the pilots and flight attendants who were so incredibly friendly (my 2 year old nephew was crying for his dinner as we boarded our flight home and one of the attendants said that she'd be crying, too, if someone were delaying her dinner) and I wondered about their lives, too. I'm curious about where they woke up in the morning, where they'll sleep and how long they've been away from their loved ones. Not one of them gave me the impression that they'd rather have a different job or that they were having a bad day (I understand that that is professional but humor me, please). It was incredible to be in the care of such kind people... and I think I can now understand the desire to be a flight attendant (but, no, I will not be switching jobs).

Overall, an experience I'm very glad to have had. In fact, the writing of this post now seems somewhat trivial. Nonetheless, I'm very proud of myself for doing something I thought I couldn't do and I look forward to my life becoming even more unrecognizable in the future.

Lord, find me grateful!