Satisfied in God

During over a decade of living in severe isolation and ignorance of anxiety, I often found solace in this poem. It speaks truth not only to the deepest longing of the human heart -- namely, for relationship -- but also reminds me of the truth that I am seen, fully known, and loved by an incredible God who is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8). It was, for me, a source of strength and gave me hope that, one day, my life would be better than it was then. It's a joy to share this poem with you now. - Sarah

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A Poem Attributed to Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me. And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

Praying Yourself to Sleep

Disclaimer: this post is not about the rosary.

I sometimes experience nights when falling asleep is the most stressful thing I've done all day. I'm literally lying there in bed trying to relax when the racing heartbeat comes and my mind starts telling me that I've forgotten how to fall asleep and then I get more anxious because I'm worried about getting enough sleep and hitting snooze in the morning because I didn't sleep well, but then being on time to work... and all the things.

Recently, I had the worst time trying to fall asleep which was surprising to me considering how tired I had been that day. I was feeling increasingly stressed so I got up, took my meds, got back in bed and began praying one of my favorite go-to prayers: "Come, Jesus, come!" (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2666).

I then did small exercises to help my body relax (tensing every muscle from feet to head for a few seconds, then relaxing). As I relaxed a bit, I let my mind drift to entertaining thoughts about Jesus. Specifically, I thought about the end of John's Gospel when Jesus makes breakfast for the Apostles on the beach. And for what was probably the first time in my life, I wondered how long Jesus had been there on the beach waiting for them.

Did he just show up, snap his fingers and everything was ready or did he get there early and prepare the same way any of us would have?

I entertained the latter thought. I put myself there in the scene with Jesus. And it was so relaxing and fulfilling, you know, hanging out with Jesus in the early morning on the beach, helping him get breakfast ready for the others. I could almost feel the wind against my face and blowing through my hair. Through squinty eyes in the wind, I looked at Jesus. He had already been gazing at me, his face so calm and his eyes so full of love. What great joy there is in two people who love each other deeply offering themselves in service of other people...

The next thing I knew, my alarm was going off the following morning and it was time to get ready for work.

I love the little bit I've learned about Ignatian prayer but I don't know that I'd ever experienced a moment of prayer that was as real as this was. It reminded me -- again -- of just how well Jesus knows my heart and how much he loves me. We could have been hiking or on a mountaintop, on a boat, out for a walk, or in any one of the parables or other bible stories. But we were on the beach in the early morning working together to prepare a meal for our closest friends. These are all things that are so dear to my heart -- and I can't even begin to comprehend how dear I am to His!

Grieving a Loved One Who has Completed Suicide

After my letter was published, I received many messages from readers, several with some really hard questions. With the holidays approaching, I thought it might be a good time to share one of them in particular, one that was about grieving a loved one who had completed suicide.

I want to be very clear here and say first that I've never known someone personally who has completed suicide. I know people who have stopped themselves from attempting, people who have died from accidental overdoses, people who have been killed in line of duty and people who have died naturally. I do know what it's like to be suicidal and so my answer to this question comes from my experiences of coping with my own mental illness as well as my experiences with grief.

This dear reader shared with me that the hardest part for her about grieving a loved one who has completed suicide is struggling with all of the "What if I had known?" questions.

I want you to know, dear reader, that gentleness and kindness are both fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians chapter 5). Perhaps you're in turmoil right now and that's completely understandable; I really encourage you to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for an increase of gentleness and kindness with yourself in your own life.

There's truly no need to be hard on yourself over the "What if" and "If I had only known" questions - being hard on yourself is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit. You did the best you could with the information that you had. Now you have a beautiful opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and Mary who both knew the anguish of grief so very, very deeply.

Allow them into your suffering. It oftentimes helps me to ponder a story of Jesus from the Bible and to stand there in the story, with Mary by my side (regardless of whether or not Scripture says she was actually there). Let Mary share her heart with you as you gaze upon Jesus. Let her wrap her arms around you at the foot of the Cross. She knows the heart of her Son better than anyone and she knows your heart, too.

Know that you are so loved by a God who is bigger than mental illness, bigger than the questions and fears, and who has already conquered death.

I'm About to Go on My First Airplane

Rare though it might be for someone in my age group and in this day and age to write this, I've never been in an airplane before. We drove everywhere when I was a child; I have 5 siblings and we really only traveled to visit grandparents or to go to our favorite family retreat center in Cape May, NJ. Most of my siblings went on their first airplane during college but I never took advantage of any World Youth Day event or Alternative Spring Break trip or other opportunity to fly. In less than two weeks, though, I'll be flying out to Colorado with my family to visit one of my sisters for a little family reunion of sorts. This is the "before" post. (I shared in this post that one of my goals with this blog is to write a post about the first time I go flying.)

Truth be told, I've always been a bit scared of airports and flying and, though it's not the only reason why, 9/11 sure didn't help. I've been anxious about me getting lost in airports or my luggage getting lost -- not to mention navigating the unfamiliar of wherever my destination is! Adventure doesn't thrill me... (though that leads me to wonder about my every day life because I don't absorb directions very quickly and the DMV area is crazy). Regardless, I'm a bit surprised that I'm actually excited about this new adventure and introduction into the world of flying.

Now, to be fair, I'll be traveling with my family -- including all three of my nephews (ages 5 1/2, 2 1/2, 1) -- so I expect to be plenty distracted. I'm looking forward to seeing what planet Earth looks like from way up high and I'd also like you, dear reader, to know that I literally have no idea how to pack for this trip (Colorado in October? I hear it's possible to experience all four seasons in one day!). But largely thanks to the tremendous amount of therapy I've already had, I find myself generally excited because I'm more myself now than I have been in years.

I still have anxiety, don't get me wrong, but -- in the last few years -- moving out of denial and into acceptance and gaining lots of tools through therapy of ways to live more abundantly is lifechanging.

One example of this growth is that I've moved 5 or 6 times in the last 8 years and each time -- within a month -- I've gotten into a car accident to varying degrees of damage. Well, I moved again only a few weeks ago and I was nervous about another car accident. As a firm believer in the power of prayer, I asked several friends to pray for me for this intention. That, coupled with the tools that I've gained through therapy, and I've learned in the last few weeks that I truly am stronger, braver and smarter than I know (thank you, Winnie-the-Pooh... or is that Christopher Robin?). There have been no car accidents and I'm no longer even worried about the possibility! The new confidence that this has given me is invaluable and I'm so grateful to have experienced it before getting on that plane. (I'd also like to note that the last car accident that I was in -- a mild fender bender -- happened before most of the therapy that I've experienced.)

So while I have very little knowledge of what to expect (I've been in an airport twice in my recollection), I'm not afraid of the possibility of heightened anxiety or an attack. Either could happen but I'm confident in my ability to utilize appropriate coping skills. I expect to be exhausted. Traveling with tired nephews might be exciting, too, and perhaps the weather will be a bit different there than in my still fairly mild Virginia-in-the-Fall weather but I am excited to show myself again that I am strong and brave and that my life is worth living and worth living abundantly.

The "after" (or recap) post will hopefully be here in November. Meanwhile, I'm usually active on Instagram (@sarahloutherese) should you be interested in pictures of beautiful Colorado.

A blissful October to you, dear friends!

I Talked Myself Out of a Panic Attack

I already knew that my anxiety was triggered. This was obvious because I could barely eat anything for dinner the night before. This, uncharacteristically of me, did not concern me too much even though a light dinner typically means a rough morning the following day. I've made some significant and successful changes to my early morning routine so I was feeling confident as I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up and knew immediately that my body was a little off. I still ate my protein bar first thing while sipping water, then took an extra minute in a slightly cooler than usual shower. I was starting to feel better.

After I spent some time in prayer accompanied by my iced tea, I put in an online order for a smoothie to top off my breakfast, got my lunch together and set off for another day with some of my favorite kids.

The weather was cooler, like Fall even though it's still early September and I live in Virgina. Still, it made our early morning outdoor time at school more enjoyable as we wrapped ourselves in sweaters.

Around 9:30, though, inside doing Circle Time with my class, I felt my stomach drop and, with it, my anxiety heighten. I quickly took off my sweater as I got hot and a bit lightheaded. My mind started telling me that I wouldn't make it through the day, working with kids is too stressful, I'll never live on my own because it's just not safe, I won't be able to keep my job because I'm not strong enough... all of it.

This is what anxiety does for me. I started that sentence in the last paragraph with "My mind started telling me" because not one of those things is true. And I know that when these racing thoughts come, they are lies and if I let myself dwell on them I will plunge myself into a downward spiral and end up in a panic attack. Typically, panic attacks last 20-30 minutes and you feel like you're going to die. (But you won't. No one has ever died of a panic attack.) I knew I had to get myself out of this thought pattern before I came to deeper waters.

The children now happily sitting around the tables eating their morning snack, I quickly took my emergency meds, grabbed my water bottle, sat down under the AC to slowly drink my water and started repeating over and over quietly in my head: "Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me...".

I continued repeating it. The Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 2666 says "The Name of Jesus is the only name that contains the presence it signifies." I knew that by praying His Name and saying this truth over myself, I was slowly bringing myself to an awareness of His presence right there and then, reminding myself also that life happens a day at a time, a moment at a time and all those lies that my mind was telling me are only empty words. They have no truth in them.

I continued praying "Jesus loves me" in my mind over and over and over as we took our class outside to read a book and explore the outdoors. Sitting around a picnic blanket with my class, I put my hand gently on top of the grass and I noticed how it felt on my hand. I took slow and steady deep breaths, noting how the air smelled and tasted. I looked around at my class and noticed each of my students' faces and outfits. I continued to note my breathing to make sure that it stayed calm. This is a practice of Mindfulness. My goal was to make sure that I stayed engaged with reality.

As the children scampered around like little squirrels exploring the outdoors, I continued to sip my water. I purposefully kept a little smile on my face because this relaxes my face and my body. All the while, I'm still praying - sometimes softly saying it aloud - "Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me...".

My body still felt heavy. But my mind was now in a place where I could think more rationally. I told myself that calm is contagious and that I was proud of myself for taking ownership of my body and of my mind, and for reaching out to Jesus for help.

By the time I was back to a place where I was confident about being at work and life in general, two whole hours had passed.

You'll read more about "young Sarah" (birth to age 12) in my letter when it's published on Sept 25. For now, I'd like to share that this "new Sarah" -- the Sarah that utilized her coping skills to make it through a hard morning at work --  is a lot like "young Sarah" but she's so much stronger now having gone through what you'll read about in my letter. It's not easy to share this story with you (my letter or this post). But I am because maybe you can relate to it and maybe you find peace and strength knowing that you're not alone.

Lord, find me grateful! _____________________________________________________________

Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. 

When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I'm also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there: @sarahloutherese God bless and keep your heart up! For more information on Mindfulness: https://catholicpsych.com/ Calligraphy by The Oodles of Doodles: Etsy shop and Instagram

Detached: How I Learned to Put My Phone in Its Place

I’m a little embarrassed to admit how easily I get sucked into technology though I suppose that’s not especially unique to me. Frankly, I don’t even understand technology that well, despite my being as young as I am (I listen to Frank Sinatra on the weekends). So when I finally, 5 months later, admitted to a friend that I have a phone addiction and told her the story of how it came about this time around, I was glad that I had finally named my struggle and shared it with someone who wouldn’t try to fix me but would pray for me and keep me accountable.

This time, it began in February 2019. I’d been blindsided by a panic attack while at work and turned to my phone as a mental distraction, telling myself that it was a “coping skill”. Oh, what a lie that was! But I didn’t challenge myself on it. Instead, I picked up my phone with increasing frequency and slowly but surely began experiencing daily headaches, restlessness, and even some guilt and shame. 

When I finally realized how many months had passed, I felt worse but, simultaneously, I knew it was time and I was ready for a change. I know what life is like without a phone addiction and I wanted that freedom again. I didn’t and don’t think I’m called to cold turkey my presence on social media but I believed that I could learn to figure out a healthy balance. The primary ingredient, I believed, was self-discipline and, if I want to be completely satisfied and fulfilled by Jesus both here and hopefully someday in Heaven, then the struggle to get there is completely, totally and utterly worth it (thank you, Jesus, for the great gift of redemptive suffering!). Motivated by my desire for Heaven, I listened to the first piece of advice given to me by my friend: take more walks.

I’m a firm believer that moving your body (i.e. exercise) is of paramount importance for anyone who struggles with mental illness. And the great news is that it doesn’t take much: taking walks around the block several times a week does wonders for clearing the mind and releasing endorphins. If, like me, this is less likely to happen for you when the temperatures are cooler, consider a monthly gym membership with access to a pool or treadmill or anything else simple that you might discover you enjoy. That’s my personal goal for this Winter!

After a couple of weeks of taking more walks, I visited our local Catholic bookstore to pick up Bible Index Tabs. Those little things are so handy and I don’t mind putting them on, so I have for several of my friends’ bibles in addition to my own! Since I was there, I of course took the time to browse the bookshelves. The title that I would never have been looking for but which was only too relevant that nearly jumped off the shelf into my hands when I saw it was this: Detached: Put Your Phone in Its Place. Someone wrote a book about this? And it’s in a Catholic bookstore? After I briefly skimmed it, I decided to make the purchase.

I have enjoyed it so much more than I expected to! It’s written as a 21 day retreat so it has a goal or reflection to do every day and each day is only 2 or 3 pages long. At the very beginning, the author asks you to think about this book as a little retreat and even write down the names of the people for whom you want to offer up this retreat. Redemptive Suffering is so real and so beautiful and the author knows that overcoming any addiction and reworking one’s priorities is hard work that’s worth offering up. Beyond that, it took me a few days to really get into it, but once I saw that it quotes St. Thomas Aquinas, studies the Our Father and offers practical tips for helping you to prioritize your overall health and happiness above your phone use with the intention of using your phone less and better, I really loved it and began utilizing its advice in my own life. It challenges your priorities and gives suggestions of practical ways you can remind yourself of your priorities when you find yourself reaching for your phone. I can tell that this book has already helped me because I’m feeling better and am happier. I don’t get headaches every day anymore, there aren’t as many Amazon or other packages showing up on my front doorstep, I suddenly have more time to enjoy my musical instruments and the time that I spend with my family and friends is notably more enjoyable. Having said all of that, it seems so ridiculous to think how much time I gave to my phone. What a difference it makes to name the struggle and ask for help!

Speaking of asking for help, I’m further encouraged and motivated by devotion to Our Lady. When Our Lady appeared to St. Catherine Laboure and gave her the Miraculous Medal, Mary said nothing but Catherine heard these words: “The ball which you see represents the world, especially France, and each person in particular. These rays symbolize the graces I shed upon those who ask for them. The jewels which give no rays symbolize the graces that are not given because they are not asked for.” Indeed, on Calvary, Mary’s Heart was pierced with a sword, as Simeon had fortold (cf. Luke 2:35). But her pierced Heart is different from that of her Son’s; when Jesus’ Sacred Heart was pierced, it became a Fountain of Mercy, the source of Mercy. When Mary’s Immaculate Heart was pierced, it became an instrument of grace that opens hearts to receive God’s mercy. 

For as long as you and I own phones, we’ll be struggling to find the appropriate balance of phone use vs real life. It’ll probably differ a little bit from day to day depending on season, family, work, travel, etc. but I know it’s possible. With the help of God’s grace and the intercession of Our Blessed Mother and our Guardian Angels, all things are!

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For more information on Marian devotion as cited in this post, please see: 

33 Days to Merciful Love (Fr. Michael Gaitley) and 

http://www.marys-touch.com/Saints/medal/medal.htm

Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

The Power of An Infant

Have you ever held an infant and been overwhelmed by love for this tiny human being? The reality of a man and a woman who love each other and decide to get married, who then consummate their love and 9 months later have to give that love a name is so powerful. So powerful. I didn’t understand it like this when I held my baby sister because she’s only 5 years younger than me. I didn’t understand it when, throughout my teen years and I did an increasing amount of babysitting, I held others’ babies either. I’ve always loved children but the powerful witness of their merely existing never really occurred to me.

Then I held my newest nephew at Christmastime. Then just shy of only 3 months old, he is such a sweet little boy. The longer you sit with him the more likely he is to start smiling at your face — and who can resist that? I sat with him on my lap and looked at his darling little face while I cradled his head and neck carefully in my hands. Maybe it’s because I grew up with my sister that I now have this perspective: as I held my little nephew, I was overcome by the power of his parents’ love for each other and grateful for their cooperation with God’s plan that led to the creation of this sweet little boy.

(2/27/19)

Towards the end of the Christmas season (oh, I just dated this post. But that’s what happens when I only update weekly), I stopped by a Catholic Church on my way home from an errand and knelt in front of the Nativity scene in the Sanctuary. I had just finished doing something hard and was in a moment of utter gratitude that the anxiety had not taken my life in the process of getting it done. (Many will recognize the feeling - I’m really not being dramatic.) As I gazed on the figurine of the Infant Christ Child, my mind went back to that moment of holding my nephew - I think because of how struck I was by the power of love in that moment: in gazing at my nephew I saw clearly the face of Christ as an Infant. And while I contemplated this image, these five words kept resounding in my heart: “You did it for me.” I heard them over and over again and for a moment I had no idea why or what it meant. Then I connected the dots. When I held my nephew, overcome as I was by the power of love and the sweetness of his innocence, another of my thoughts was “I would do anything for you,” because that’s what love drives us to do. Gazing now at the Face of the Infant Jesus, God was simply speaking a truth to me about that hard thing I had just done, telling me “you did it for me.” (Cf. Matthew 25:40)

I knew in my heart at that moment that God was also saying to me, “thank you. I love you. And I’m proud of you.” I knew this because when you do something hard or significant for the one you love most and he or she says any few words of gratitude, the look in his or her eyes say the rest. Obviously, I couldn’t see Jesus’ eyes but I knew that he was whispering these truths to me in my heart. And that’s the power of an infant: love that speaks to you by merely existing.

This is oftentimes how I approach my prayer time. I picture the Infant Christ Child. I hold him in my lap and I delight in him the way I do when I hold my nephew. And you know those sweet, precious baby smiles and coos with which little ones oftentimes respond to you? Imagine Baby Jesus delighting in you just like that. That is truth. That is the same baby who we are walking with this Lent — perhaps giving things up along the way that may be obstacles in the relationship (you’d hate to interrupt nap time). That same baby has grown into a mature man and he’s about to offer the last drop of his blood for love of you.

Let him love you this Lent. Spend time with him in Sacred Scripture. Hold his mother’s hand as you pray the rosary and let her share with you about her Son. Don’t be afraid. Remember: it’s really quite simple. Caring for an infant is - not easy, but simple. Look into those smiling, cooing eyes and let Baby Jesus delight in you.

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Let’s stay in touch! Instagram: @sarahloutherese