Why I'm Glad I Went to a 12 Step Group When I Did

My brother and I were still living with our parents -- post his college graduation and my mental breakdown -- when this conversation happened. The four of us were having dinner together; I don't remember how we got on the topic, only that we discussed how my sister (who has a Masters in Psychology) is of the opinion that everyone ought to participate in a 12 step program because they're so helpful.

At this point in my life, I had just finished doing a show - my first show in more than 12 years and my very first show as musician - and, although my mental health had been stable for over a year, my stress level was still elevated from the show. That being said, I surprised myself by announcing that I'd be quite fine with going to a 12 step group -- if one existed for people with mental health struggles (I didn't want to go to an AA meeting even though I'm told that everyone is welcome there). And so from there, I emailed the therapist that I was seeing at the time and asked her if she knew of any 12 step groups that would be good for me. She knew of two; one was Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and the other was Celebrate Recovery. I got on Celebrate Recovery's website, found contact info for the group that was closest to me and emailed the leader. I received a warm, welcoming and inviting email back and, due to a previously scheduled conflict, put it on my calendar to go in a couple of weeks.

The day of, I went to work, per usual, and was insanely anxious the whole day in anticipation of going into something so unknown by myself. I was so determined to do it, though, so I took my emergency medication to help me calm down and texted my family to ask them for prayers. While the seconds ticked away at work, I was amused that I didn't mind any of the children's behavior since it worked as such a great distraction for me.

And then I went. It was one of the first times following my breakdown that I went to a new place for the first time without having driven there the day before to figure out where it was (my intention being to give myself one less thing to be anxious about). This time, I drove confidently and parked out of sight of the door. A few minutes before the meeting began, I finally took a deep breath and walked through the doors like I knew what I was doing. I walked up to a couple of people who were sitting at a table chatting. It turns out that one of them was the group's leader (who I had emailed) and the other a woman who would be in my small share group. I was warmly welcomed and was immediately aware of a strange confidence I had, despite my anxiety, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

The meeting went very well. I felt loved, included and understood. When I returned home, I told my mom that I would be going back the following week. And I did!

I attended every week for an entire year before COVID hit and in that time I formed friendships with people who I saw myself being friends with and even a few who I thought I'd never be friends with. Two of the girls I met there are now my best friends and, with a couple of other girls who we've brought in through different connections, we now do weekly movie nights. And each week as we're watching the movie, it's a wonder to me how I got here. Before my childhood best friend died, I was so lively and outgoing. Then, for 12 years, I lived in ignorance of the anxiety and isolation that I experienced every day. I finally got to therapy but only after a mental breakdown. Then came a show which gave me the courage to go to a 12 step group and I'm now the happiest I've been since childhood!

These life experiences and choices have been hard and, at times, excruciating but today I can confidently say that absolutely all of it has been so worth it. And Celebrate Recovery? Going was one of the best choices of my entire life.

I'm no longer able to allow comments on individual posts but you are welcome to email me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you! Keep your heart up!

SARAHFIDDL3R@GMAIL.COM

Song Parody: Cleansing Gel

The story behind the songwriting process...

First, there was a friend who asked me, mid-conversation, if I was worried about coronavirus. My answer then remains honest now: "No".

Then there was a post on Facebook remembering a song parody that had been written during the swine flu pandemic.

Finally, there was a Catholic speaker who I love who shared about one of her favorite ways for finding joy in the midst of self-quarantine: Christmas music!

Thus the idea for writing a song called Cleansing Gel to the tune of Silver Bells was born in my mind.

Two weeks later, I finally had a quiet morning to myself (yesterday). I was sitting on the couch, sipping my morning tea and trying to find the motivation to open the book that I had on my lap when the lyrics just came. Still sitting on the couch, I started sorta singing, "Panic buying, people crying... there's no toilet paper... in the air there's a feeling.... of terror". At which point I stood up, smiling with excitement, and went to get paper and a pen while saying aloud, "Oh my gosh, this is getting real!". I finished the first verse and chorus, recorded and sent it to my family, then hopped in the shower hoping that that would help the next verse to come along.

Meanwhile, my family absolutely loved it. My dad said it could go viral (I was more excited that he liked it that much) and my Mom asked if they could share it. I explained that what I had shared with them was only the rough draft. Another verse was coming and it would likely be all done and ready to share later that day.

I was almost done drying my hair when the lyrics started flowing out of me for the second verse. "Jobs are closing, germs are spreading." I sat with that for a few minutes trying to think of what the next line would be. I looked at the lyrics for Silver Bells to learn from how it was written and find inspiration for Cleansing Gel. I wrote the line which mentions China while second-guessing myself that that was even where it all began. Then I had to bring the song back to the US and wrote that next line. Finally, I had to bring it all back to the main theme and smooth out that transition.

The song was done. I just wanted that final affirmation from my family before sharing it so I went ahead and recorded and uploaded it to YouTube since that was the simplest way to share the song as a whole with my family. They loved it and so I put it on Facebook.

Then I took a walk around my neighborhood to try, mostly in vain, to get Silver Bells out of my head. I was already excited about doing the process again and writing another song parody for these times but had no idea what topic or what melody. I have since answered both of those questions and am hoping that it won't take me another two weeks to create it!

On a somewhat related note, I'm beginning a 54 day rosary novena today for the end of the pandemic. Today begins 27 days of petition, followed by 27 days of thanksgiving to conclude on May 14 which is the feast day of St. Corona who is the patroness of plagues and epidemics. Everyone is more than welcome to join in prayer!

3 things I'm thankful for today: the ability to bring joy to others, rosary novenas, the joy of new life.

Satisfied in God

During over a decade of living in severe isolation and ignorance of anxiety, I often found solace in this poem. It speaks truth not only to the deepest longing of the human heart -- namely, for relationship -- but also reminds me of the truth that I am seen, fully known, and loved by an incredible God who is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8). It was, for me, a source of strength and gave me hope that, one day, my life would be better than it was then. It's a joy to share this poem with you now. - Sarah

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A Poem Attributed to Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me. And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

The Beauty of Vulnerability

It was, to me, a profoundly moving moment. I watched her face move from sorrow to devastation to tears she just could not hold back and I was shocked that her words almost didn’t even seem to reflect her emotions.

Sobbing, she said, “Please don’t leave me alone. Please reach out to me. I’m just really scared that I’ll always be alone.” My heart was breaking for her but simultaneously I was filled with awe and wonder. This girl was doing something I had never, ever done before: in all my years of isolation, anxiety, depression,  and loneliness, never once had I been brave enough to ask people to reach out to me. I was afraid of rejection. I believed that no one saw me, wanted me, or cared enough to care about me. Now in this moment, I was absolutely in awe of the strength and courage that she showed in her fear and vulnerability.

She taught me that it’s always ok to ask for help. I’ve recognized that the main fear that holds me back from asking is others’ reactions to my need. “How can you be so stupid as to not already know this?” are the lies that swim around in my head. “You’re better off Googling the answer and figuring it out for yourself. Spare yourself the embarrassment of their reaction.” Or perhaps ask anyway and the relationship that that invites opens the door to all kinds of possibility! Maybe you’ll create an inside joke or stumble on something awesome that you never knew you had in common with the other.

I remind my little preschoolers a million times a day to use their words. I wonder how much my life could change for the better if I practice what I preach? The art of communication can be so daunting —  right? —  but art invites creativity. Fear is suffocating and crippling. Mold thrives in darkness but shrinks away in the light.

As I watched her tears stream down her face, I thought how beautiful it is that she was fighting against despair. Her words and her tears showed that she had no intention of living in the darkness. And let me say this: I don’t think it’s an accident that tears are shaped like seeds. Allow them, give them the proper care, and watch them blossom into the seemingly impossible, beautiful reality of what God intended them to be.

15 Steps I Took When I Knew I Was Suicidal

Now that my letter has been published, you know more of my story and the journey that I’ve been on for most of my life. But there's only so much that can be included in a letter that’s meant to be no more than 1500 words, so I want to follow it up with this post to share what would have been much too long to share in the letter: the steps I took while being suicidal.

Although these are numbered, they are not necessarily numbered chronologically. I was in an emergency situation, had no guide book, and — out of fear — wouldn’t even tell my mom at first and didn’t know what to do (other than act on the ideations but, even then, that still, small voice inside me reminded me of my desire for Heaven and I knew that suicide was no guarantee that I would get there). Terrified and alone, the first thing I did was...

1. Told My Priest and my Doctor

This part of my story begins with a text message from my brother. Knowing I was struggling with depression and anxiety, he asked how I had been doing that day. “Other than thoughts of cutting my wrists, I’m great” was my reply (a dry sense of humor runs in the family). He immediately asked permission to call me and we spoke on the phone for the next two hours. I told him truthfully that I was not suicidal and, by the time we hung up, I was feeling pretty good.

But the very next morning, I awoke to a suicidal ideation which included a plan. Thankfully, I couldn’t act on that particular plan because I don’t own the instrument that I saw in the plan. It was, nonetheless, terrifying. My depression and anxiety triggered due to the ideation, I met with my priest after Mass that morning and told him of my ideation. He immediately prayed with and for me, which was helpful and I did relax a bit, but additional help and support was clearly necessary.

That night, my doctor called me and I told her that I was suicidal. She asked me to put my mom on the phone and told my mom that I would be spending the night at home and that, if my mom wouldn’t take me to the ER the next morning, she would.

2. Went to the ER

My Mom took me to the ER. I still hadn’t told her. I couldn’t. I was so scared. I told the nurse in triage. Then I saw my first psychiatrist who prescribed my first medication and also gave me the choice between hospitalization or Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). I didn’t want hospitalization. By now my Mom knew and I had a surge of confidence in our ability to communicate so, if I had to do one or the other, it would be PHP. I was put on the waiting list. The waiting list was about a week long (which is forever for someone who was in my situation).

3. Told EVERYONE in My Family and Made Sure There was Always Someone With Me

Mom and I left the ER and went out for ice cream. I felt more confident since it seemed like we had an action plan. We now both knew that I was suicidal and I determined, hard as it would be, to call everyone in my immediate family (I have 5 siblings so this was a big commitment) and tell them that I was suicidal. I knew that if I had any chance whatsoever of survival, we all had to know. I needed that support.

As I began to communicate more openly with my family, gifts began to show up on our doorstep with my name on them. It was puzzling because I hadn't ordered anything. There was a fuzzy panda bear blanket from my brother and sister-in-law and a necklace with Philippians 4:13 on it from my sister. Though my love language is not gift giving or receiving, these little things from my further-away siblings went a long way in helping me to feel their love, support and encouragement.

Meanwhile, they also made sure that I was always with someone with whom I felt safe. The chances of attempting suicide are far less when with company so my local siblings, family members, and closest friends all jumped on board. I appreciated this very much, especially because my love language is quality time and so spending hours with people who I felt safe with was so good for me.

The occasion was my brother's college graduation. Remember that mental illness is a very hidden suffering: you would never know that I was depressed, anxious and suicidal; in fact, I hadn't eaten anything that day and was considering starvation. Please don't be afraid to ask your friends how they're doing. I mean, how they're *really* doing.

4. Switched Therapists

Within just a couple of days, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program but not the one whose waiting list I had been on. (My daily and nightly panic attacks were hospital level and very, very scary so my Mom and my Aunt did a lot of research while I was sleeping off some medication one afternoon and, when I woke up, they had my next step figured out.) At PHP, I met daily with a Psychiatrist and, due to schedules on their side, worked with two different therapists. My psychiatrist — who was absolutely wonderful to work with — recommended his practice for after my discharge not because I could continue working with him but because his colleagues have an excellent reputation. Longer story very short, I left my first therapist (who I mentioned in my letter. The reason is that we were not the right fit for each other) and switched to a group therapy at his practice. From there I stayed at that practice but eventually switched to individual therapy again to do CBT. That was an incredible experience and the story is in my letter.

5. Left My Job

The first 4 steps were chronologically what happened. Here, I’m transitioning out of the story and into the facts. Prior to my breakdown (please read my letter if you have not yet already), I could not admit that I was miserable. I wanted so much to love my job but I just didn’t. Since I was suicidal, my psychiatrist at PHP encouraged me to get a new job. Apparently, that’s the advice he gives to all patients who are suicidal and that makes sense. I did leave my job and accepted unemployment. I will forever be immensely grateful to my parents for welcoming me back home and caring for me.

6. Texted the Suicide Hotline Number

Once I learned of it a few months in, I began texting the National Suicide Hotline Number. I texted that number so many times that they recorded my name/number and would greet me by name when I texted (that was only creepy the first time). Was it helpful? Kinda... although I already knew the coping skills and breathing exercises that they recommended from my time in PHP. For me, it really was just a reason for me to not think (or not think entirely alone) about my ideations and severe anxiety.

7. Had a Physical List of People to Contact When I Needed To and was as Transparent as Possible

There’s nothing worse that being alone when you’re triggered. The isolation means that the lies swimming in your mind are suddenly on steroids, the battle feels too big and overwhelming and giving up seems the easiest way. At PHP, I created a physical list of people to contact in these moments and I would text all of them and engage with anyone who responded. In those moments, it’s literally ANYTHING you can do that keeps you from acting on the ideations. 

Further, I told my family and closest friends what I saw in my ideations. Subsequently, my parents hid the kitchen knives. To this day, I have no idea where they kept them for those several months. They only brought them out for cooking, then quickly cleaned them and put them right back in their hiding place.

8. Got a Temporary (“transition”) Job

I was unemployed and dreading employment, having lost trust in employers. I’m a preschool teacher and, as it turns out, the Preschool Director at our Church has a great relationship with our family. She offered me a very part time, temporary job and I reluctantly accepted it. It was a great choice and, within only two weeks of that job ending, I landed my current job where I am, to this day, very happy.

9. Using a Weighted Blanket

Simultaneously to getting a temporary job, we learned about weighted blankets and did our research about them. They are helpful for people who suffer from nightmares, anxiety, depression, sleeping disorders, etc. My mom bought me one and that coupled with a medication change and a new job seemed to work its magic on me and I finally began to be consistently better and better.

10. Met with My Priest on an As-Needed Basis

My priest has known me for half my life and, if my Mom texted him to ask for his soonest availability because I needed to talk to him, he was ready. I am painfully aware of how great a gift this is but I do encourage you to talk to a priest after Mass about your struggles if any of this resonates with you.

11. Prioritized Daily Mass, Listened, Prayed and Trusted

I prioritized daily Mass and that was the majority of my prayer life outside of my ultimate intention to offer up all of my suffering. There was no consolation at Mass except for the head-knowledge of Jesus’ True Presence in the Eucharist. At this point, it was more conviction than anything else. I was in intense physical pain, the anxiety was so great, and the only consolation the Eucharist gave me was the strength to keep fighting for another day. I received the Sacrament of Anointing several times throughout these 10 months of suffering and it’s really the graces of the Sacraments that kept me going.

People around me were praying for me and I leaned on their prayers. It was hard to trust God, hard to trust their prayers and hopes for me but, simultaneously, I literally had nothing better to do. I didn’t know when or if my suffering would end. They told me it would but I didn’t know if I could believe them. The only person who I came close to believing told me, with tears streaming down her face, that she had heard God whisper in her heart, “Soon, but not yet.” Within three months, I entered remission.

12. Wrote Letters

Several friends asked what they could do to help. There wasn’t much, honestly, because my group of trusted people was very small. I would always ask for their prayers and I would sometimes ask if they enjoyed letter writing. To my delight, I was able to exchange letters with several people for a few months. It’s also the little joys that kept me going.

13. Avoided Alcohol

Countless times while in PHP, I was asked when my last drink was. I’d self-medicated on alcohol in the past but, after my mental breakdown, I began to take my recovery seriously. I knew that if I wanted any chance of survival, alcohol wouldn’t be part of my journey. So my last drink before my breakdown was Christmas day and it would be months before I had another one. There was so much trial and error with different medications that I was grateful that alcohol had no influence on any of it.

14. Never Attempted Anything

As real as the ideations seemed, as intense as the pain was, as lonely as I felt, and as much as I wanted out (believing myself to be a burden to the world), I never attempted anything.  It seemed like I had every plan in the book and sometimes circumstances would reveal new plans. It was terrifying. And it’s only by the grace of God that any of this is true.

This is the baby who I so desperately wanted to meet, one of the forefront reasons in my mind for not acting on the ideations in those moments. Holding him for the first time was the moment that I chose life once and for all because I wanted to get to know him.

He is all joy and I've never once regretted that choice. Also, that necklace is the one from my sister with Philippians 4:13 on it.

15. Celebrated the Milestones

The therapist with whom I worked the longest (a year) and I celebrated together every milestone along my path to recovery. The first time that I talked myself out of a panic attack, we celebrated the following week with ice cream. It truly doesn’t take much to celebrate and it goes a long way for the client's recovery and for the relationship between therapist and client which, I believe, is what's more important: a therapist can give you the tools that you need but a good relationship with your therapist is really what makes all the difference.

My Family, Aug 2019

It's a hard journey but it's a worth-it journey. Life is worth living. Keep your heart up!

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Thank you so much for your positive response to my letter, for sharing it on your own social media accounts and to everyone who took the time to message me. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people in my age group (which is absolutely gut-wrenching and heartbreaking); I wrote my letter (and this post!) to be shared in hopes of helping others catch a glimpse of hope in the midst of their struggles. It's why I have this blog, why I've chosen to share my story and it's given greater meaning to all the suffering that I endured.

So thank you for your responses, your encouragement, and your prayers for me and for everyone who has read and will read my letter. I truly believe that prayer makes a difference!

"Would You Rather...?"

I recently started a new job at my job and, with it, comes all the expected and not expected changes and transitions of going from a 30 to a 40 hour work week. I love it, though, and I'm so grateful that God knows my heart better than I do because this happened just in time for me to spend most of my day with what is so far one of the sweetest classes I've ever worked with in my 8 years of teaching.

As I said, it's been a shift in the schedule -- 40 hours is pretty different from 30 -- and I was nervous about building up the stamina but confident that I could do it. So, for the last couple of weeks, I've been playing little games of "Would You Rather?" with myself. It's all about cause and effect and my goal is to help myself make the better choice in the moment so as to live life more abundantly... and have less frustration with myself to suffer over the following 12-24 hours. 

Picture this: it's 9:30 at night, I know that I'm not a night owl and that I do best on about 8 hours of sleep. Sleep does not come easily for me so, if I lay down now, I'll hopefully succumb in about 45 minutes. But it'd be so easy to turn on Netflix for a little while. (As cheesy of an example as that sounds, it's an almost nightly choice for me.) Sarah, I ask myself, Would you rather watch Netflix now and possibly still be awake at 11 or 12 or take your meds, say Night Prayer, turn on your Nature Sounds to help you relax, and get a good night's sleep so that you are more ready for another day with your students tomorrow? 

Netflix loses every time.

Now picture this: I had plans to go see a movie over Labor Day weekend when a friend texted me on Friday night and asked if I'd like to go to a particular annual Labor Day weekend festival with her on Saturday at the exact time I was planning to see the movie. I almost texted her back immediately saying 'no'! Hold on, I said to myself, Sarah, would you rather go see a movie by yourself that is showing at other times or get together with your friend to go to this festival that you've heard about for years but have never gone to because you've never had a friend to go with?

Can I just say that it's amazing how obvious the right answer is when you take a moment to consider the bigger picture and ask yourself to answer the question honestly? We went to the festival and we both had an incredible time!

The first week of the new school year was long but so good because I did my best to make sure that I was well-rested every day, intentionally cultivated a spirit of gratitude. And this little game of "Would You Rather?" really did help me make the better decisions -- from not hitting the snooze button 5 days in a row to being more disciplined about my bedtime routines. This year was my 8th time starting a new school year in the role of a teacher and I dare to say it was the best first week of school yet! 

Lord, find me grateful!

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. 

When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

Also: I've recently made some changes behind the scenes on my blog. Consequently, it's possible that those of you who had subscribed to my blog via email will have to subscribe again if you would like to continue receiving my posts in your inbox. I did not foresee this when I made the changes and I apologize for the inconvenience.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Cultivating Friend Groups

Everyone loves a good story. There’s the intrigue of getting to know the characters, the excitement of figuring out the plot, and the satisfaction of a good ending — even better when there’s a strong, powerful underlying moral. Hearing a good story for the very first time is how I perceive getting to know a friend.

Oftentimes, we meet people within a particular context and, with that, comes many assumptions that I’m assuming are mutually assumed. When you meet someone new at your Church, you likely assume that they share the same Faith denomination as you which can potentially lead to subsequent assumptions of their political opinions and moral standards. My challenge and something that I am working on in my own life is to stop assuming and start asking questions. Put more directly, turn your assumptions into questions and ask them as such. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to learn that you’ve assumed wrong, perhaps you’ll find yourself in the middle of a really great conversation, or perhaps you’ll discover that you have a lot in common with each other.

One of my favorite things is asking couples how they met. The story oftentimes begins by them saying “We met at Church/a concert/a bar/blind date/ at school/at work/etc.” then they take turns answering the question of why they were there by telling the circumstances of what led them to be at Church that particular time, why they went to that concert, the bar, who set them up on the blind date and why they agreed to it, why they went to that school, what led to their employment at that particular job, etc. That backstory really can set the tone for the friendship to unfold.

My challenge to you, my dear readers, and to myself is to intentionally cultivate friendships now while you’re living in the gap. You have the time (if you don’t have the time then you’re either lying to yourself or there’s an imbalance somewhere in your life where you might need to reconsider your priorities) and I promise you that you won’t regret it. I would personally rather be hurt by a friend than miserable and lonely. Further, I’ve watched my older siblings experience some really hard things that life can throw at you and their experiences of them would be vastly difference sans support from the groups of friends which they have cultivated over time.

And there’s my final thought: give yourself time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Persevere through time and allow yourself to one day be surprised when you realize that you have friends — and really, really good friends! The brilliance of a well-written story isn’t limited to the intelligence of one person. The author gathers ideas over time, is inspired by friends and other experiences who don’t even know the profound affect they’re having on the author and then the story is finally written. You are a necessary, beautiful part of your friends’ stories — and your own! Enjoy the time you have to get to know yourself and your friends (both new and old), cherish the memories and take the time every day to express gratitude for beauty of your story and all of the characters in it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Investing in a Passion

Last year, I did a show. I portrayed a poor musician in a community theater production of A Christmas Carol that was set in St. Louis in the 1930s. I played fiddle.

Intending to be honest with the director, I told her that I was terrified even though, upon request, I had no lines to memorize. I do love my instrument but I hadn’t played consistently in a while. I love the arts but I hadn’t been on stage in 16 years and my anxiety had been under control for almost a year but I still had my doubts. The director told me that she understood and literally promised me that I would fall in love with the process and come away from the experience having completely enjoyed myself. I think that’s what she would tell just about anyone but, I will say, she’s known me for 20 years. I chose to trust her.

Before the show opened, it had been about 6 weeks of daily rehearsals and feeling simultaneously overwhelmed and excited by it all when I came across this quote while looking at jewelry on Amazon. The necklace that I never bought had this etched on it: “To play a wrong note is insignificant. To play without passion is inexcusable.” (-Beethoven) It was at the core of what the more experienced musicians around me were telling me but it was hard for me to believe (further, it was not what I expected any of them to say). At this point, though, I began to trust it — partially because Beethoven knows what he’s talking about. I didn’t want the necklace but I still made the quote look cute in my violin case.

The show was amazing. Frankly, I can’t believe how much I loved it and I’m so grateful. Afterwards, while watching a recording of the show, I finally saw what everyone had been telling me all along. All those notes that I missed on stage and was so worried about? I still noticed but I finally saw that it really didn’t matter. The violin merely faded for a couple of beats then came back strong (but that’s really only my opinion as someone with a trained ear. The audience most likely didn’t notice anything remotely amiss). What I saw was that none of the perfectionism in me that was rallying my anxiety was worth it. Perhaps my skill level does not equate to concert violinist — as I once dreamed it would — but I’m realizing how grateful I am for that.

For the first 3 years after graduating college, I was basically a workaholic. It wasn’t by choice and the extreme lack of a balanced lifestyle nearly killed me. But due to exhaustion and a somewhat shy, introverted nature, I never did anything other than work and isolate myself when not at work. While recovering from my mental breakdown and in the midst of therapy, I learned a lot about the importance of self-care. I began thinking of a balanced lifestyle from the perspective of self-care and even began considering going to work for a healthy amount of time at a time as self-care. When not at work, I knew what wasn’t healthy for me and so, steadily over the last couple of years, I’ve been learning that it’s good to have fun and investing in something I’m passionate about is a good compass for having fun.

I’m still figuring things out but my first big priority did become investing in something that I’m passionate about. Violin isn’t my only instrument — it’s not even my first instrument! — but it is the instrument that I’m most passionate about. While preparing for the show, I found out that a friend’s husband teaches violin and I was able to meet with him before getting into the thick of rehearsals to help me get back into practice. 

There are purchases — big and little — that I regret; I’ve never once regretted what’s ultimately learning more about violin. Violin has always been a great joy for my heart and I love sharing that joy when I have the opportunity to. Once upon a time, I dreamed of seeing my name in lights. Now, I don’t care whether or not that ever happens. What’s important to me is that I love playing and it’s a great joy to do so. I don’t ever want to forget it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Tips for Overcoming Isolation

Dear Introverts,

Please don’t use introversion as an excuse for isolation. You were made for more.

Love,

Fellow Introvert Who Totally Does(Did) This

I’m all about personal growth and development (except for when someone else tells me what I should do. *winks*) Actually, it was someone else who pointed out to me that I struggle with isolation and, for some reason, I heard her and immediately began brainstorming (I love brainstorming!) ways to overcome these tendencies and help myself improve. Some of these ways I realized I had already accidentally begun doing, others I’ve thought up (or they’ve come up in conversation) and utilized in the meantime. Here, I’ve compiled a little list of some ideas for us to come back to whenever we need a little something in the inspiration department.

Test an Opportunity, Then Embrace it

The first step that I accidentally took before identifying this particular struggle was becoming involved in a local community theater  I’m not a theater person. I don’t act beyond what’s required of a preschool teacher. I hadn’t been on stage in more than 15 years. Odds were that I wouldn’t do the show that I was asked to be a part of. But it wasn’t lines that I was asked to memorize, it was music  The director wanted me to play my violin and I realized that that unfortunately made total sense. It still took me 2 months, but I eventually said yes to the show.

I had a marvelous time and I have no regrets. One thought I had before saying “Yes” that was significant in convincing me was this: “Sarah, how would you feel if you were sitting in the audience watching this show knowing full well that you could have been up there with them?” Would I view that as a joy to watch the show anyway or as a missed opportunity? My answer was the latter: I couldn’t imagine myself sitting in the audience knowing that the cast and crew could have been my best friends for the last couple of months during rehearsals while I continued isolating myself. I realized that I wanted to invite my friends and family to the show. I wanted the opportunity to see people and you never know who will take the time to embrace the opportunity right along with you. As it turns out, I had guests at every single performance and was even able to meet both the playwright of the show and a longtime blogging friend who came to the show with her husband! I’d been praying for years for an opportunity to meet her. So I gues you never know when or how a prayer will be answered, huh?

Find a Weekly Event that You Love and Become REALLY Good at Going

For me right now, this is a Christ-centered 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I learned about it after asking my therapist if she knew of an appropriate 12 step program that I could participate in (I knew that AA was not my home) and she suggested two: Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and Celebrate Recovery. (See links on my Resources page for more info)

Celebrate Recovery is a program for people struggling with hurts, habits and hang-ups (which is literally everyone and can I just say that I appreciate the alliteration?). My first time there I was a.n.x.i.o.u.s. due to it being my first time in a new environment where I knew no one. Simultaneously, I knew that it was where I was supposed to be so I did not allow the anxiety to stop me. I’ve only been going for a couple of months but it has been such a great choice for this season of life. I’ve made new friends and my weekends are now much more full — and it was someone at CR who told me that it sounded like I struggle with isolation.

There’s literally no wrong answer here (well, actually... I can think of some places I would not recommend going to). Maybe you enjoy Theology on Tap, swing dancing, taking a class, volunteering, group bible studies, choir, some kind of sports team, etc. Maybe volunteering means picking a ministry at your Church to become active in and commit yourself to its apostolate. There are so many opportunities! The main thing that prevents me from going to anything is my preference to not go alone but preferences are only preferences. They can really trip us up. Consider your options (to go or not to go — that is the question!), remember that there’s no commitment involved (if you hate it than don’t go back. If you like it, go back), take it all in stride (check your breathing. That’s always my first step. I’m amazed by how often I find myself holding my breath and, let me tell ya, breathing makes quite a difference when you’re trying to live life!), and enjoy.

Frequent Adoration

Remember reality: Jesus Christ is fully present Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist. If Adoration isn’t really possible then hopefully frequent stops in a little Chapel are? Prayer is crucial. You’re not talking to yourself even if God feels really distant. I heard a story recently of a young woman whose experience in Adoration changed after she started dating her now-husband. While they were dating, she frequented an Adoration Chapel and what changed was that she no longer didn’t go when she felt unprepared. She went anyway — as she was. And, really, that’s probably what God appreciates most: those moments when all we bring to Him are our empty hands. Those times when we have no personal agenda might feel strange or even painful to us but perhaps those are the times when we are actually the most open to the works of the Holy Spirit. 

Set a Timer for Quiet Time

If you need to clean your room or just need some quiet alone time that’s fine but, if you are in your room, set a timer and, when the timer goes off, leave for at least a few hours. Your room does not have to be “perfect” to be clean (though after utilizing Marie Kondo’s method in my room, I’ve found tidying up to be faster and more effective now that everything has a home). I use my phone timer, a playlist, or a movie (that I may or may not actually pay attention to). When the timer beeps or the playlist or movie ends, that’s my cue to Drop Everything And Run (run? Eh, I just wanted something to create DEAR as an acronym. Time is important — far too precious a gift to spend it all in isolation!).  

You Can Sleep Later

If sleep is your reason for missing a fun activity with friends, chances are you can sleep later. There are absolutely legitimate reasons for sleeping; I’m saying that if you’re using sleep as an excuse because you’re struggling against fear and anxiety then it’s likely actually more healthy for you to go and embrace the opportunity. Would you rather be hurt by a friend or alone and lonely? I know what my answer is and this is a great opportunity to teach your brain that hanging out with friends is a good thing to do! The occasion invites conversation and conversation leads to stronger relationships.

Be the Friend You Wish You Had

I know, I totally get it: you’re just waiting for someone to notice that you weren’t there and then reach out to you, see if you’re ok, and invite you to the next fun thing. Guys, I lived like that for YEARS and it’s no fun at all. The lies swimming in my head were, “Why can’t someone just notice that I wasn’t there,” “Why doesn’t anyone see me when I am there?” “Does no one really see how lonely I am?” Well, to that last one, maybe you’re wearing that loneliness marvelously well. I speak to the mask of a smile that it’s surprisingly easy to give to anyone and rare is the person who takes that smile as an invitation to come say hello.... at least, that is, in my experience. So perhaps, perhaps you could be the one who says hello. You can be the one who asks for a new friend’s number. You can be the one to text or call and say, “Hey, you free for [coffee/hike/movie/mini golf/volunteer opportunity/disc golf/bike ride/swimming pool/bowling/etc.] this weekend?”. If they say “No”, then that’s ok. No just means “Next Opportunity”! You never know who will take the time to embrace an opportunity right along with you. Be brave, perhaps even a little bold, then sit back and let yourself be surprised.

Your Social Media Account Bio

We’ve all got the same 100 characters (or whatever it is) to tell our followers a little bit about ourselves. What if we use that little box to present what is actually a personal challenge? One thing my Instagram (@sarahloutherese) bio says is “Frolicking paths in VA” - I see that and it challenges me to put my phone down and actually do it. So when I have a free morning, I’ll drive to a lake and hike one of the paths. I have a small group of friends (from CR!) who enjoy hiking and we frequently go to a park together to enjoy the outdoors and each other’s company. The accountability part comes into action even more because I can share a picture or five on my IG stories. Do people actually read bios and notice that you’re living up to what you say about yourself? I dunno and who cares? This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness that I’m talking about, not your fame or your glory. My idea is to type out this simple personal challenge and leave it there for a week, month, season [of the year] or season [of life] - whatever you need. The only rule is that there are no rules.

My Biggest Regret

I’m a 20-something year old and, after all the therapy and life experiences that I’ve had thus far, I can tell you that — if I have any regrets at all — it’s been my lack of pro activity. But, hold on, let’s not dwell on that. Let’s figure out how to gently and firmly work on it.

My nature is more outgoing yet, when I meet a total stranger, I find myself wondering where all my words just went. I’m a chatterbox with people I know but the second someone new walks in, I’m like “What just happened?”. Can you relate? My suggestion is to make a physical list of questions you would want someone to ask you or favorite questions you’ve heard others ask and commit them to memory (once at a BBQ in college, I joined a friend of mine who was with a circle of her friends and introduced myself around. The guy on my right said, “I’m not going to ask you where you’re from because everyone does that, but I am going to ask you what’s your favorite dinosaur and why?” If you’re wondering, the answer is triceratops because of what the second and third syllables sound like. Turns out he and I had something in common — though our reasons were different!). I’m oftentimes surprised by where the conversation goes after the ice is broken (and sometimes the thing that broke the ice becomes an inside joke!). Sometimes I end up enjoying the conversation so much that I laugh until I cry! And to think that such joy and fellowship would have been missed had I given into the fear and anxiety that plagued me in the anticipation of the moment, which leads me to my last thought:

Do Not Settle

Catholic Chastity and Motivational speakers and writers say this all the time: “Don’t settle for the first guy who comes along,” then they proceed to share good information about red flags and healthy boundaries — and oftentimes include a good dose of humor! One of my best friends and I have used this for our mental health: Don’t settle for the anxiety! God made you for so much more. This is not to dismiss the anxiety — God does not love you any less because you have anxiety — but I know that you can do life anyway: this is the path that God has given you to travel to Heaven. Why? I have no idea. But it is, so let’s embrace and live life joyfully with it. Happiness is a feeling; joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit that can be experienced in all circumstances.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Hopefully some of this resonates with and is helpful for you! I have another post coming about anxiety and time management and that can honestly be considered part 2 of this so stay tuned!

To you, dear heart, who is struggling with isolation: know that you are seen, fully known, and loved by God who didn’t just die for you but ROSE for you, walked out of his tomb, and is calling you to do the same. 

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Many of my followers over on Instagram have asked to hear more of my story. I am going to share it! I’ve written it in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series “Letters to Women”. (If you’re not a woman and you’re interested in reading it then there’s no need to worry: you can totally read my letter.) I will find out in July when the letter will be published. 

When it is published, I need your help! I wrote the letter for the hearts of those who are suffering silently and I need your help to reach them. Please share my letter! You never know who will click on a link and what will resonate with them. And in the meantime, please join me in praying for everyone who will read the letter. 

Also, check out my newly updated Resources page. Feel free to share with a friend!

Love you all!