My word for this year is brave. This picture of me was taken a couple weeks before I decided that yet, to me, it is a defining moment of that decision.
I can tell you exactly when this picture was taken: on stage at the top of the second act of A Christmas Carol, playing Angels We Have Heard on High. And I was sick. A stomach bug was going around like the plague at the school where I teach and it had finally caught up with me a week later, just in time for the second weekend of shows. I hadn’t been able to eat much of anything and I’d had an anxiety attack a few hours prior because I so desperately did not want to be sick and so earnestly desired to be in the shows - such a treasured gift it had become to me by then. Despite lack of food, subsequent lightheadedness, and heightened anxiety, I played the shows.
I was not alone. My mom came with me for moral support (because, honestly, I thought I would burst into tears each time I walked off stage, if I even made it off stage first), the director was fabulous and treats everyone like her own son or daughter, and the cast was nothing short of incredible, offering me support, affirmation, and kindness every step of the way.
When I look at this picture, it speaks a powerful truth to me: I am strong and brave. With or without physical illness, I was terrified to get on stage, fought it hard and initially did it only very reluctantly.
The anxiety did not stop me. I am not my anxiety.
After I’d fallen in love with the show and physical illness threatened to rob me of the joy of playing in a couple of performances, I decided to let nothing stand in my way. I was sick, yes, but not so sick that I absolutely could not be a part of the show (a heartfelt thanks to the cast and crew for welcoming me despite my contagious state. I did my job of contaminating everyone quite successfully!). While I am still in disbelief that I was able to push myself through - hard as it was - I am convinced that that is what grace does.
So I love this picture not because it’s among the only that I have of me playing violin but because to me is speaks of what, with the help of God’s grace, I am capable of doing. And because I know the suffering of severe anxiety I also know that, if I can do something hard and come away with a memory as powerful as this one, you can too.
Challenge: find a picture that speaks to you powerfully as this one does for me and put it somewhere that you’ll see frequently. I ordered a mounted photo of this picture and it now sits on my dresser next to a little mirror to remind “today-me” that I am strong and brave and capable of doing hard things.
This picture was taken from the audience by the father of a cast member who did not know of my illness.
