Leaning Into My Dream

Several years ago, 5-6 to be exact, a dear friend of mine began a thing called Health and Fitness Coaching. I didn't know what a Coach was (I just remembered really liking the swim team coach named Emily when I was about 7 years old) but I was so curious by the idea of it. So I got on Google and figured out what I could about Health and Fitness Coaching. I don't remember what exactly I discovered, I just know that, at the same time, I came across a thing called Life Coaching. And, again, I didn't know what it was, but I was curious about it in a "I think I might be interested in this" sort of way.

At the time of these Google searches, I had recently stabilized after my mental health crisis. While I knew that I didn't want to be a therapist, I did have a desire to help others rediscover their joy for life.  This stemmed from my belief that one cannot fully understand what it's like to be suicidal unless you've been so yourself. I had heard many more stories of tragedy than of triumph and I wanted to be a story of triumph. I felt like Life Coaching just might be the answer.

For more than 5 years, I Googled different Life Coaching certifications, slowly discovered people on Instagram who marketed themselves as Life Coaches (including a former coworker!) and even interviewed with several different secular programs. But my gut feelings was that I couldn't trust a secular program. So for as many years, I kept my dream almost entirely to myself, prayed and waited.

Earlier this year, I connected with a Catholic Life Coach and we did an 8 week package together. It was an incredible experience, one that ended up being worth far more than what I financially invested in it. My Coach knew of my dream to become a Coach, too, and she told me about Metanoia Catholic Coaching, a company that teaches you how to coach yourself (in the Metanoia Catholic Academy membership and, practically, with the Metanoia Daily 7 Journal) and that trains and coaches other Catholic Coaches. When I learned that they offered their own certification program, that was all I needed to hear. I joined the Academy and the webinars that I found there added so much to my Metanoia journaling experience. When I found out that they were hosting a live webinar during the morning of a day within a week that I had already planned to take off from work (that happening with no planning on my part is almost miraculous!), I was quick to register and put it on my calendar. At the end of the webinar, when they gave away 5 "Golden Tickets" with a discounted course price, I jumped at the chance and, Yes! I got one. Now it was finally time to click around and see what I had just gotten myself into.

As it turns out, one of the best things to do in the course is the learn how to coach yourself really well. It's still really good to work with a coach, of course, but we learn in the program that you are always your hardest client. So Metanoia offers their journal featuring 7 steps to work through with paper and pen for a 45ish minute personal coaching session. Here's an example of one journaling experience from a couple of weeks ago.

The topic that was on my mind was about embracing my life. But the idea of embracing actually scared me. I decided to journal on it. I took out my trustee Metanoia journal and began to think about my thoughts on the topic of embracing life. I honestly felt like I just couldn't do it -- I could not embrace life. And the great thing about Catholic Coaching and learning how to coach myself by using my Metanoia journal is that it's ok that I can't embrace life. All that means is that I'm not ready for it yet. It's too big of a thought for me. I began to write out all of my thoughts and study them, looking for the facts within my thoughts. I quickly saw where my thought pattern was going. When I think of embracing, here's what happens: I dive in headfirst but then I find out what the commitment entails and it scares me, so I withdraw and stay in my comfortable, familiar space of wherever I was before. I realized that it doesn't have to be that way. And the thought that came up within my thoughts about embracing is the idea of leaning into whatever the circumstance, challenge, occasion, relationship is. I was so peaceful and joyful about the idea of leaning in that I immediately jumped on Etsy and ordered a custom ring with the words "Lean In" on it. Combined with the ring from the same shop that features of my word of the year for 2022, "Daughter" and the ring set now reads, Daughter, lean in. Wow wow wow the gentleness and grace that I am reassured with every time I look at my rings or play with them. There's so much less pressure in that thought now. So much less anxiety. So much less perfectionism and so much more acceptance of the present moment. It's permission to be myself and know that that's enough. 

I am so grateful to have finally discovered the world of Catholic Coaching. Metanoia Catholic is literally the Catholic Coaching company that I didn't know existed. I am so excited to lean in, make mistakes, learn the content, gain experience and continue teaching myself and others the greatness and transformative potential of thinking about our thoughts. 

I can't wait to share more!!

Satisfied in God

This is a poem that I have posted several times on various blogs over the years and it seems like now it is time to share it again. My prayer time yesterday in particular was very much a growth resulting from this poem and having committed it to my heart and memory so many years ago. It's always a joy for me to share it with my readers and I pray it blesses you today!

 

 

A Poem Attributed to Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me. And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

How Adoration Changed My Life

Baby steps are some of the sweetest, most beautiful and joyful moments of life to behold, aren't they?

Now, if you're anything like me, reading that first sentence might give you a little bit of angst. You might be thinking, "I guess so but, really, I wish I could see some faster progress quicker." I'm right there with you. But just for this moment, recall a time in your memory where you've watched a little child toddle around, exploring this thing called walking and the opportunities that strong legs give you for exploring this world around you. Now reread the first sentence. Do you see the looks of utter joy, excitement, maybe awe and wonder -- utter astonishment -- on the child's face?  

Truth be told, after several years of taking giant steps, I've spent the last few years focusing on little baby steps. The giant steps (moving back home, stabilizing my health, moving out again) didn't feel good; these baby steps (though they are in areas of life that I wish would move faster) are tiny treasures that I choose to take delight in -- and they sometimes result in a giant step that I didn't see coming.

A recent baby step was visiting an Adoration chapel. It'd been on my heart to revisit the one nearby but if it's something that I've never done or haven't done in a long time, then I pretty much have to just go one time -- break the ice, if you will -- to show myself that I can do it, it isn't as scary as it seems, and there's no lifelong commitment involved. So that's exactly what I did one evening during Lent: driving by that Adoration chapel, I decided to just go for it and make a quick visit. 

That visit did result in making a longer commitment and that longer commitment became an invitation to come more frequently. During a holy hour on Easter Sunday, the Lord invited me to make a holy hour every day to celebrate the Octave of Easter. The idea made so much sense and gave me such joy that I had to say yes! I loved the daily holy hours so much that I've continued making them, praying every day that the Lord will guide my thoughts, actions and steps to help me return for another hour the following day.

My heart has such peace and joy now and something to look forward to every day. And it didn't take me long to realize that I'm better rested now that I make that time to go visit the Lord every day. As I write this post is case and point: it's a Saturday morning and I was up bright and early today! After a long week with my precious preschoolers, that never happens. I always turn off all Saturday morning alarms and let myself sleep for as long as I need. Usually that's somewhere between 8-9am; today I was wide awake at 6:30 and I tried to go back to sleep but to no avail. I was so grateful because I truly love early mornings but I so rarely have the opportunity to actually enjoy them. 

Going to Adoration that first evening was a baby timidly taking that first step. Continuing to go to Adoration was that baby starting to practice more and gaining confidence and stability. Making these daily holy hours is that baby discovering a new favorite mode of transportation. There's nothing of an immediate, tangible change of daily life that goes with these steps (unless I happen to meet my husband there but, even if I do, I suspect many baby steps will precede that realization). But becoming a person who is led by joy? That's worth a million baby steps!

Lord, find me grateful.

Do I Treat the Eucharist like It's Really Jesus?

 I recently listened to another faithful Catholic's opinion that she shared on Instagram about the topic that Catholics don't treat the Eucharist like it's really Jesus. I have great respect for her and truly believe that she knows her stuff well; still, I disagreed with some of her points. And for conversation's sake, I don't believe that either of us is right or wrong. I believe the question is more about where we each are on our own faith journey. 

The point that she made was that we don't treat Jesus - the Eucharist - as the Eucharist. And that, if we did, we wouldn't be touching him (i.e. receiving in our hands). I agree that we don't treat Jesus like he's Jesus but, to her second point... I have some questions.

But first, allow me to briefly share my own background. I vividly remember the first time I received on the tongue - it was the first time that I attended an Ad Orientum Latin Mass (I'm guessing I was in later Elementary school). I found it strange and uncomfortable - unfamiliar, truly - but within that I realized that it still felt so right to receive on the tongue and so I continued to almost exclusively thereafter. Until the pandemic hit.

When the pandemic happened, I began receiving on my hands again and I honestly wasn't sure if I'd go back to receiving on the tongue. My reasons were a valid recognition of growth that I still needed to experience: receiving on the tongue had always bothered me and the fact that it bothered me, bothered me. (Did you follow that?) My parents asked me some questions, mainly to elaborate, while my brother was amused that the fact that I was bothered bothered me. The reason for it was because I was aware that Jesus is the King of the Universe and that I should be falling flat on my face in his presence. It's a pride thing for me, I suppose (now that will be an interesting topic to raise with my new confessor!). That all being said, when I listened to this girl's take on it all, even though I didn't agree that if we truly treated Jesus like Jesus then we wouldn't be touching him, I actually decided to receive on my tongue again.

After two years of receiving on my hands during the pandemic, receiving on my tongue brought tears to my eyes. (I'm German/Irish, by the way. Tears do not come naturally to me so when I am moved to tears, I pay attention to what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling). 

Here's my issue: She said that if we truly believe that Jesus is Jesus, then we wouldn't be touching him. I get that - she didn't mention it but a common argument there is that the laity don't have consecrated hands. But I'd like to note that neither did the apostles. During the Last Supper, they all received on their hands. Another time that comes to mind is the woman in the crowd who had faith that if she could even tough the hem of his garment, she would be healed. 

Would we really not touch him? Because all I want is for Jesus to physically hold me close to his heart, to let me cry on his shoulder, to dance with me, to look at me the way a lover looks at his bride. 

I have no problem with receiving on the tongue or on the hand. My loving challenge is this: if Jesus is truly Jesus, doesn't he want us to touch him?  

One Year Later... I'm possibly still here

 I knew that I needed a break from my blog. Discouragement comes easily, especially for one who has high standards for herself (and others). I do remember a year ago that I had a conversation with my boss about how the year had not been going as great as I had hoped: the teacher I was working with and I did not get along. We had very different philosophies of education. Because she expected one thing from our students during her morning hours and I expected something else from them during my afternoon hours, it was just a mess of expectations met with a great deal of confusion from our students. And since I refused to let myself do that for another year, I met with my Head of School, told her the truth and asked to be put somewhere else for the following year. The result of that conversation was a promotion and a raise. 

With the added responsibilities of being a lead teacher (which frankly weren't all that different from being an assistant entirely because of my background in Montessori education. Different methods of Education place different expectations and responsibilities on their teachers. At my current school, the expectations and responsibilities of a lead vs assistant teacher really weren't that different.), I had renewed determination to give my full attention to my students. Insofar as writing is concerned -- especially since there is nothing financial that I gain through writing -- I opted to instead turn to journaling once again to help me to process my thoughts. I still journal - I think it's a beautiful practice - but now I have a thought that I wanted to leave here for pondering purposes. If anyone finds it and has a thought of their own to share, you're welcome to in the comments. 

Please see the next post. 

Marvelous March

We lost an hour of sleep last night yet I'm still titling this post "marvelous". Spring is upon us, the days are steadily growing longer and, in the last couple of weeks, I've spent more time outside than I have in the last two months combined! I've continued therapy and have been making connections that I had never previously made before regarding why certain things trigger me and how to better prepare for them in the future. I've also realized that I have a better relationship with certain things than I realized and therefore, while things like the death of a loved one will never actually leave one, I can more fully accept the joy that I truly do have for ever having known that person in the first place. I don't have to feel guilty for being joyful; I can just be joyful!

This week and next, I'll be taking a couple of days off from work. The timing of which is fantastic as it actually allows me to have three 4 day weeks in a row (we get Good Friday off!). Now, when I told one of my favorite (sincerely favorite) coworkers that I'll be off and who will be covering my class in my absence, my coworker threw her head back and laughed out loud. We do not expect our "favorite" coworker to enjoy the extra hours. Meanwhile, I will not worry about it at all. I don't expect it to go well but it is what it is. Once I return to work following my long weekend, I'll transition my students out of naptime and into quiet activities (hopefully largely miscellaneous art projects, if I can get my act together). They've all largely outgrown their naps by now and I foresee the change as being far less stressful for everyone. 

I haven't finished any books lately though I am slowly rereading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (a modern-ish retelling of the book of Hosea, from the bible) in anticipation of the movie scheduled to come out at some point this year. I must have more going on in my life now than I did the first time I read it: then, it took me 5 days to finish. Now, the only time I seem to be able to find to actually sit down and read for even 20 minutes is when I'm in Adoration! Still, it's a really nice story, I love the author, and am committed to finishing it. I recommend it (both title and author) for anyone looking for a light, enjoyable yet still deep read.

Earlier this week, I realized that I still haven't been to confession this Lent. I further realized that St. Joseph's feast day is on Friday and it's still a little unreal to me how much I love him, so I'm a little sad that the class I'm taking next weekend probably won't allow me to go to Mass. I've decided, instead, to find an opportunity this week to go to Confession in St. Joseph's honor. That's a really good incentive for me, especially it if ends up entailing me to go out of my way!

Because I asked him, my spiritual director gave me a very small -- yet still hard -- idea of what to do for Lent. It's essentially to let Jesus teach through me more. Of course, when I'm in the moment with my preschoolers, I'm not usually able to step back far enough to remember to pray but I've been praying the Fragrance Prayer every morning. One thing I've noticed is that the kids' goofiness at inappropriate times bothers me much less than it did a few weeks ago. Then, I would have gotten mad at them while simultaneously frozen in place and not necessarily following through on disciplinary actions. Now, I simply stand up, take the child firmly by hand without saying a word, and walk them out of the classroom to sit quietly in the library by our fish tank so that they can take a deep breath. Usually, one of our administrative staff is nearby and they can also help the child process their goofy behavior and bring them back to class when they're ready in a few minutes. This is, of course, far more effective than acting out of anger which the children generally find funny (and who can blame them). Dr. Maria Montessori said to "remove evil (note the little 'e') behavior immediately" from the classroom so that the children learn that appropriate boundary and that is exactly what I've just described. But then it's also very important to find the balance between correcting inappropriate behavior and then rewarding the positive outcome of said correction. 

Before leaving, I'd like to add one final thing to this post. I've watched this video several times this week and it blows me away. Nightingale is usually performed with a flute. The human voice isn't really supposed to be able to sing it, high as it is. But then there's Yanni. Yanni has a knack for finding obscure instruments that no one has ever heard of (hello, duduk) and normalizing them in his music. The same is true of vocalists. So he found Lauren Jelencovich somewhere and she can sing Nightingale not just well but, well, flawlessly. Another thing I love about Yanni is that, yes, he and his collection of musicians and singers are technically performers but Yanni himself has so much love and respect for each note and pause within the music that the richness, depth and ultimate highest beauty of music is still there. This is tangible in this video. Here you are... See you next month!

Feeling February

 February has long been a challenging month for me. It's dreary and gray. There's nothing to look forward to other than Spring and groundhog day doesn't really help that excitement do anything except peter out. Last March, as COVID came to Virginia, I found joy in that Springtime was right around the corner and we had flowers and wildlife to look forward to. I figured that, if COVID had to happen, I was grateful it was happening during the Spring and Summer so that winter blues were less likely to threaten to rob me of my joy. I had no idea how long COVID would last but, if it were still all the rage come late Fall and into the Winter months, I would cross that bridge when we got there.

January was hard. We faced our first COVID case at the school where I teach and I remember those ten minutes so well. I had almost arrived at work when I thought to myself, "Wow! I feel really great today!" -- meaning, no anxiety, refreshed and energized. I parked, got my stuff together and walked into school. I clocked in and walked down the hallway the same way I often do -- confident, happy and ready for the day. When I stepped into my classroom, my coworker greeted me and then asked if I had heard. I shook my head, "no". My coworker spelled out a name, I nodded, and she said, "She tested positive." In that precise moment, my anxiety level went through the roof and for the rest of the week, it was all that I could do to get to the weekend. 

I had a couple of panic attacks during January and the trigger, I believe, was COVID. They rattled me enough that I called both my sister and my mom to talk with them about my going back to therapy. The problem was being able to afford it. They both had great ideas and it was my mom's recommendation in which the stars aligned. I am now back to therapy and am so grateful that finances have turned out to not be an issue whatsoever.

We're now halfway through February and I've hardly noticed. The last two weeks at work have been over the top but, I will say, that it was a joy to help a little boy try to understand his grandfather's death. It's an experience that I am not afraid of and am equipped with solid resources to be able to handle professionally. It was still been exhausting but the little boy is doing very well. Beyond professional life, my involvement in music ministry at Church has become my favorite thing and an answer to prayer. (With nephews now the ages of my students, family dinners no longer count as my fun thing for the weekend. Music has more than taken its place!) 

Today the weather is quite dreary and dull and I'm enjoying a good moment's rest in the middle of the month. The remainder of the month looks to be more lowkey than what the first half was, which I am grateful for. And so where my fears of feeling February were, there's only joy. Joy for the surprises that Our Lord has already graced me with this year and joy for having so many great musical things to look forward to for the foreseeable future. The Lord is faithful. I am grateful.