“You see, George, you really had a wonderful life.”
My childhood was a happy one, overall, but if you got to sit down with Clarence at the top of the show in It’s A Wonderful Life and watch a movie of my life from start to where I am now, you might be surprised by the quantity of experiences of loved ones dying, friends being suicidal and trying to run away from home, grandparents’ health and safety and all the emotional tolls that that quietly took on me as a youngster and on my family both as individuals and as a whole.
All of this and more was difficult-at-best to process as I matured into a young adult. A large part of me wanted to cling to the familiar (the past) and not let go of loved ones now deceased. Still, the braver part of me - the part that I continue to listen to - beckons me further up and further in. Everyone has a past. But everyone also has a future, if they are brave enough to define themselves not by who they were but by the amazing person that those experiences formed them to be.
Yes, it’s hard to look in the mirror and wonder if I even know the person looking back at me. That’s one thing anxiety sometimes does. Those who knew me during my childhood would describe me as energetic, joyful, bubbly and creative. I look in the mirror and I miss that girl.
Oh, wait. That girl is still here. She’s still me. I’m just no longer in denial of the anxiety that I’ve suffered from for more than a decade. Now I acknowledge it. Dare I say, I even let myself feel it. Feeling it sucks but denying it is so much worse. So I allow myself to feel it; I breathe through it, listen to music, read books, use essential oils, pray and continue to live! It’s truly a wonderful life - George Bailey knew. I think so many of us can deeply relate to him and we don’t even know it. George didn’t know the difference he was making - and he never would have if it weren’t for his Christmas miracle. But so many of us don’t ever get to be George Bailey because many of us give in to all the voices inside telling us nothing but lies. You’re ugly. No one will ever love you. This is too much. I’m not good enough. I’m not loveable. Too much pressure. I can’t possibly live up to their expectations. I hate my job. I don’t feel safe at home. I’ll use just one more time, then I’ll quit. One more drink won’t hurt. No one sees me. The world would be better off without me. I can’t do this.
Lies. All of them. But it’s so, so hard to believe that they are lies. It would seem much easier to give in. I challenge you to say those lies out loud, identify where they come from and reframe those thoughts by identifying them with a core belief that is true.
I am beautiful. I am strong. I am loveable. I am loved. I am confident. I am capable. I am a gift. God is greater than this anxiety. I am not my anxiety. I am free. I am joyful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am strong and I am brave. I am not defined by my clothing, my makeup, or the car that I drive. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will overcome this. I am stronger and braver than I know.
Each one of these is a beautiful, freeing, strengthening truth. Do you believe it? Do you want to believe it?
When George reached that moment on the bridge as the story came back to real time, he finally understood. He had seen what would have become of the love of his life were it not for the love of her life. Potter had completely taken over the area because Peter Bailey died and he had no surviving sons. His younger brother, Harry - who we know went on to achieve great things and was awarded the Medal of Honor by the President - never saved all those people on the troop ship because he himself died as a child because George wasn’t there to save him. We typically can’t see how the mundane things - like saving your little brother when he fell through the ice - can make a huge difference in the world. Maybe you want to do something extraordinary with your life (like Harry), maybe you don’t (George never left Bedford Falls). Regardless, love well. Because at the end of your life I really don’t think you’ll care much about what GPA you maintained in college, what your first car was or even how successful you or your children were. I think you’ll wish you had spent more time loving your special someone. If you went broke at Christmastime because you bought gifts to love your family with then I bet you’ll be grateful that you have people in your life to buy gifts for.
As I begin this journey with Abundant Life, I confess that I’m scared. Writing about anxiety won’t be easy and I don’t want to pretend to know all the answers; my goal is merely to share my experiences and what I’ve learned from them. Comments are welcome and people might have their own opinions to share. There are certainly people out there who I hope will not find my blog and read my words but I’m determined to not let that fear prevent me from sharing. So, for better or worse, I’m taking a deep breath, telling myself to be brave and clicking publish. Here goes the next step in being brave!
Oh, and one more thing: to all the ‘Georges’ out there, remember - no man is a failure who has friends. (“Thanks for the wings! Love, Clarence”)
Cheers!
———————————————————————————————————————————
“As I said the prayer in It’s a Wonderful Life, I felt the loneliness and hopelessness of people who had nowhere to turn, and my eyes filled with tears. I broke down sobbing. This was not planned at all, but the power of that prayer, the realization that our Father in heaven is there to help the hopeless had reduced me to tears.”
- Jimmy Stewart
