The Beauty of Vulnerability

It was, to me, a profoundly moving moment. I watched her face move from sorrow to devastation to tears she just could not hold back and I was shocked that her words almost didn’t even seem to reflect her emotions.

Sobbing, she said, “Please don’t leave me alone. Please reach out to me. I’m just really scared that I’ll always be alone.” My heart was breaking for her but simultaneously I was filled with awe and wonder. This girl was doing something I had never, ever done before: in all my years of isolation, anxiety, depression,  and loneliness, never once had I been brave enough to ask people to reach out to me. I was afraid of rejection. I believed that no one saw me, wanted me, or cared enough to care about me. Now in this moment, I was absolutely in awe of the strength and courage that she showed in her fear and vulnerability.

She taught me that it’s always ok to ask for help. I’ve recognized that the main fear that holds me back from asking is others’ reactions to my need. “How can you be so stupid as to not already know this?” are the lies that swim around in my head. “You’re better off Googling the answer and figuring it out for yourself. Spare yourself the embarrassment of their reaction.” Or perhaps ask anyway and the relationship that that invites opens the door to all kinds of possibility! Maybe you’ll create an inside joke or stumble on something awesome that you never knew you had in common with the other.

I remind my little preschoolers a million times a day to use their words. I wonder how much my life could change for the better if I practice what I preach? The art of communication can be so daunting —  right? —  but art invites creativity. Fear is suffocating and crippling. Mold thrives in darkness but shrinks away in the light.

As I watched her tears stream down her face, I thought how beautiful it is that she was fighting against despair. Her words and her tears showed that she had no intention of living in the darkness. And let me say this: I don’t think it’s an accident that tears are shaped like seeds. Allow them, give them the proper care, and watch them blossom into the seemingly impossible, beautiful reality of what God intended them to be.

I Talked Myself Out of a Panic Attack

I already knew that my anxiety was triggered. This was obvious because I could barely eat anything for dinner the night before. This, uncharacteristically of me, did not concern me too much even though a light dinner typically means a rough morning the following day. I've made some significant and successful changes to my early morning routine so I was feeling confident as I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up and knew immediately that my body was a little off. I still ate my protein bar first thing while sipping water, then took an extra minute in a slightly cooler than usual shower. I was starting to feel better.

After I spent some time in prayer accompanied by my iced tea, I put in an online order for a smoothie to top off my breakfast, got my lunch together and set off for another day with some of my favorite kids.

The weather was cooler, like Fall even though it's still early September and I live in Virgina. Still, it made our early morning outdoor time at school more enjoyable as we wrapped ourselves in sweaters.

Around 9:30, though, inside doing Circle Time with my class, I felt my stomach drop and, with it, my anxiety heighten. I quickly took off my sweater as I got hot and a bit lightheaded. My mind started telling me that I wouldn't make it through the day, working with kids is too stressful, I'll never live on my own because it's just not safe, I won't be able to keep my job because I'm not strong enough... all of it.

This is what anxiety does for me. I started that sentence in the last paragraph with "My mind started telling me" because not one of those things is true. And I know that when these racing thoughts come, they are lies and if I let myself dwell on them I will plunge myself into a downward spiral and end up in a panic attack. Typically, panic attacks last 20-30 minutes and you feel like you're going to die. (But you won't. No one has ever died of a panic attack.) I knew I had to get myself out of this thought pattern before I came to deeper waters.

The children now happily sitting around the tables eating their morning snack, I quickly took my emergency meds, grabbed my water bottle, sat down under the AC to slowly drink my water and started repeating over and over quietly in my head: "Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me...".

I continued repeating it. The Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 2666 says "The Name of Jesus is the only name that contains the presence it signifies." I knew that by praying His Name and saying this truth over myself, I was slowly bringing myself to an awareness of His presence right there and then, reminding myself also that life happens a day at a time, a moment at a time and all those lies that my mind was telling me are only empty words. They have no truth in them.

I continued praying "Jesus loves me" in my mind over and over and over as we took our class outside to read a book and explore the outdoors. Sitting around a picnic blanket with my class, I put my hand gently on top of the grass and I noticed how it felt on my hand. I took slow and steady deep breaths, noting how the air smelled and tasted. I looked around at my class and noticed each of my students' faces and outfits. I continued to note my breathing to make sure that it stayed calm. This is a practice of Mindfulness. My goal was to make sure that I stayed engaged with reality.

As the children scampered around like little squirrels exploring the outdoors, I continued to sip my water. I purposefully kept a little smile on my face because this relaxes my face and my body. All the while, I'm still praying - sometimes softly saying it aloud - "Jesus loves me... Jesus loves me...".

My body still felt heavy. But my mind was now in a place where I could think more rationally. I told myself that calm is contagious and that I was proud of myself for taking ownership of my body and of my mind, and for reaching out to Jesus for help.

By the time I was back to a place where I was confident about being at work and life in general, two whole hours had passed.

You'll read more about "young Sarah" (birth to age 12) in my letter when it's published on Sept 25. For now, I'd like to share that this "new Sarah" -- the Sarah that utilized her coping skills to make it through a hard morning at work --  is a lot like "young Sarah" but she's so much stronger now having gone through what you'll read about in my letter. It's not easy to share this story with you (my letter or this post). But I am because maybe you can relate to it and maybe you find peace and strength knowing that you're not alone.

Lord, find me grateful! _____________________________________________________________

Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. 

When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I'm also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there: @sarahloutherese God bless and keep your heart up! For more information on Mindfulness: https://catholicpsych.com/ Calligraphy by The Oodles of Doodles: Etsy shop and Instagram

My Anxiety Doesn’t Stand a Chance

The timing of this song on the radio was perfect: I was driving to a training for work but, because I had anticipated carpooling with a coworker (I hate driving [to unknown places]) my anxiety was heightened over the fact that I was now suddenly driving by myself.  I had found out last-minute that illness prevented my coworker’s attendance and my immediate thought had been that it clearly meant I couldn’t go anymore either. But just as soon as I had the thought, I realized that it was a lie, so I took a deep breath and readied myself for the day. I prepared my travel mug of black tea like I do every day, put on some essential oils (to my Young Living friends: Valor and Breathe Again), grabbed a couple of protein bars and left 45 minutes early for the training that was only 15 minutes away. (Punctuality - or straight up being early - is one of my coping skills). The radio was on in the car, as it often is, and set to the local Christian station. Initially, while I looked at Google Maps again, I wasn’t really listening to it but then I tuned in just in time to hear the resounding bridge sung: “My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in your love.” I loved it so much that, instead of reading my book before the training began, I looked up the lyrics and continued to reflect on them. I knew the artist was on to something. Inspired by the message of the song, I began counting little successes as the day progressed:

During the training (which was a seminar), my already-heightened anxiety triggered even more for a couple of reasons: the crowd and my delicate blood sugar. So when I felt like I really needed to, I stood up and walked to the back of the room. Success #1: I knew it was ok to move and comfortable enough to act on it. My anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.

While I stood in the back trying to relax my body, I ate a few bites of what was left of one of the protein bars then walked around a little breathing deeply to get myself grounded again. Once calmer, I found a little room that was removed from the larger crowd but close enough to still hear everything and I sat down in there to continue taking notes during the talk. Success #2: I was ok with doing what I needed to do to be comfortable. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.

I soon realized that the protein bar wasn’t good enough for my blood sugar so I began wondering whether I’d have to leave early or if I should drive around the mall to find a grocery. Then I noticed that there was a little cafe (the seminar was at a hotel) with a buffet off to the side of the reception area so I got up and went to ask someone behind the counter about the cost. It was somewhat expensive but worth every penny to take care of myself. Success #3: If you don’t ask, the answer is always ‘no’. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.

When that first talk was over, I returned to my seat and my coworkers to retrieve my purse and go back to the buffet. One of my coworkers had a hankering for some bacon so I got some for her. I told her that I hadn’t had much for breakfast and felt like I really needed to eat something and her facial expression was all encouragement as she responded, “Oh, good for you!” Success #4: I  used the resources at hand to give my body what it needed to continue successfully normalizing. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.

Typically, after I’ve controlled my anxiety, I’m still afraid to return to wherever I was when the anxiety triggered. This meant that I wouldn’t go back to sit with my coworkers for the remainder of the seminar. But this seemed rude to me and it’s been a goal of mine to overcome this fear, so I gently told myself: “You’ve done everything so well and have successfully taken great care of yourself this morning. Good for you! It’s ok to stay out more but it’s been a goal of yours for a while to overcome this fear. Start now. If you have to leave again, that’s ok. Try again next time. But start now”. That positive self-talk worked and so, after reapplying my essential oils and checking my breathing, I walked confidently back into the seminar. I sat with my coworkers and enjoyed our little commentary throughout the presentation. When I felt a little unsteady, I reached into my purse and grabbed that banana I’d saved from the buffet. And I stayed for the remainder of the training. This felt like my greatest success of the day! When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.

I’ve recently noticed that I’m increasingly confident in my ability to ulitize appropriate coping skills when I need them whether that means standing up and walking around when I’m actually inclined to be a statue, accepting others’ charity (oh, gosh, do you know how hard this is?), or making myself remove a layer or two regardless of how much I like the outfit (no worries - I’m LOLing at myself). Counting these little successes in the context of the song kept the wheels turning (literally...).

Driving home (raise your hand if you caught my humor) from the training, I got to thinking about my experiences of the morning and, in the context of the song, what I could learn from it. I noticed my enhanced confidence with coping skills and realized, also, that I’m good at them. But that doesn’t actually make it any easier. Anxiety - regardless of the level at which you experience it - is a beast and there’s nothing easy about it. Utilizing coping skills is hard work and so is getting anxiety back under control. Feeling steady on your feet again feels like a longer trip than you bargained for. But the song’s message full of hope and conviction, and the knowledge of what I’m capable of, gives me confidence and great hope in my ability to successfully cope with my anxiety. 

It ain’t easy. But it is worth it. When I stand in God’ s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance!

The discipline of Lent? It ain’t easy. But it is worth it. Jesus says, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (Cf. John 5:15) When we stand in God’s love, nothing else stands a chance! 

Praying you have a blessed a fruitful Lenten journey!

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Let’s stay in touch! Instagram: @sarahloutherese

The Princess Bride and Your Prayer Life

“As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. And really, that’s all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I’m sucking life. I’ve just sucked one year of your life away.”

This is quite the bitter pill to take. Hardly uplifting, affirming, or encouraging - much less comforting. If you’ve seen The Princess Bride then you know the scene well: Westley is in the pit of despair after surviving the Fire Swamp with his beloved Buttercup and Count Rugen is testing his new invention. While Westley insists on his own invincibility, the dwarf’s forewarning of the machine’s terror and power seems to have come true as Westley’s body lies lifeless on the table. I watched The Princess Bride for the first time during my childhood while on a family retreat in New Jersey - I would guess that I was about 10 years old. Of course I’ve seen it many times since then but only recently did I notice a layer of deeper meaning to this particular scene and so I began pondering what The Princess Bride can teach me about prayer.

I love prayer. My relationship with God has been through many different seasons over the course of my young life and that’s as it should be; nonetheless, I’ve always felt like a failure when I didn’t pray a daily rosary, make it to daily Mass, read that spiritual text that I said I would, or finish a scripture study in the allotted timeframe. Simultaneously, as a perfectionist I would pray that rosary, go to daily Mass, read that text, and finish that scripture study because I wanted a perfect prayer life. My inclination towards perfectionism always rallies my anxiety and makes me think that I absolutely have to check these things as complete else God might love me less for not maintaining the appearance of an active prayer life. But that is a lie and I now realize that just as I am not defined by my clothing, my makeup (or lack thereof), or my car, neither am I defined by my prayer life.

Once I asked my Confessor if there was some way I could possibly be better at prayer. His response? “You just gotta do it.” I didn’t like his answer because I’ve always wanted a switch to go off and then I magically have this perfect, Saintly, amazing prayer life. To my surprise, I don’t want that anymore because now I realize how severely lacking of an authentic relationship with God that would actually be. Now I see more clearly the beauty of embracing the struggle, starting small and recognizing that God’s invitation is not to fall back into the comfort of my chair when I trip up but to fall into His embrace so that, like the Apostle John, I can lean my head against his chest and rest in his love. (cf. John 13:23-25)

What this scene from The Princess Bride is teaching me is that my prayer life should never make me feel bad. God is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8) and authentic love is life-giving not life-sucking. Although it still and probably always will take intentionality to think of my prayer life as a relationship rather than a checklist (because relationships by nature take a lot of intentionality), I am learning and growing. I attend daily Mass and Adoration regularly because I truly believe in the Real Presence in the Eucharist. I pray the rosary because the prayer is genius, comes straight from Heaven, and is literally a bible study on a string. Plus, when I’m feeling anxious, the rosary doesn’t actually overwhelm me: its rhythm is soothing and its lyric is beautiful, and there’s literally no pressure or particular reason why I have to finish it in one sitting. Take Up and Read bible studies are my favorite thing and I’ll continue using them because it’s a great way to read the Bible with Lectio Divina and their work has borne great fruit in my life. God won’t love me less if I fail to finish these devotions; the Lord is faithful and it’s relationship over perfectionism that truly matters. 

Some days coming before the Lord to attend Mass or pray a rosary literally feel like I am climbing the cliffs of insanity. But what keeps me going is the fight for True Love that is so, so worth every peril and affliction along the way (the lives of the Saints are testimony to this truth). Anxiety can literally feel like I am fighting skilled swordsmen, up against giants, or trying to outsmart the anxiety itself; the truth is that the light shines through the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. (cf. John 1:5) The Lord is constant and faithful and it’s to be in an authentic relationship with Him that I desire most of all. And on that note, The Princess Bride also teaches beautifully the correct thing to say to Jesus when I choose to submit myself to his will, letting God be God: “As you wish!”

George Bailey and Anxiety

“You see, George, you really had a wonderful life.”

My childhood was a happy one, overall, but if you got to sit down with Clarence at the top of the show in It’s A Wonderful Life and watch a movie of my life from start to where I am now, you might be surprised by the quantity of experiences of loved ones dying, friends being suicidal and trying to run away from home, grandparents’ health and safety and all the emotional tolls that that quietly took on me as a youngster and on my family both as individuals and as a whole.

All of this and more was difficult-at-best to process as I matured into a young adult. A large part of me wanted to cling to the familiar (the past) and not let go of loved ones now deceased. Still, the braver part of me - the part that I continue to listen to - beckons me further up and further in. Everyone has a past. But everyone also has a future, if they are brave enough to define themselves not by who they were but by the amazing person that those experiences formed them to be.

Yes, it’s hard to look in the mirror and wonder if I even know the person looking back at me. That’s one thing anxiety sometimes does. Those who knew me during my childhood would describe me as energetic, joyful, bubbly and creative. I look in the mirror and I miss that girl.

Oh, wait. That girl is still here. She’s still me. I’m just no longer in denial of the anxiety that I’ve suffered from for more than a decade. Now I acknowledge it. Dare I say, I even let myself feel it. Feeling it sucks but denying it is so much worse. So I allow myself to feel it; I breathe through it, listen to music, read books, use essential oils, pray and continue to live! It’s truly a wonderful life - George Bailey knew. I think so many of us can deeply relate to him and we don’t even know it. George didn’t know the difference he was making - and he never would have if it weren’t for his Christmas miracle. But so many of us don’t ever get to be George Bailey because many of us give in to all the voices inside telling us nothing but lies. You’re ugly. No one will ever love you. This is too much. I’m not good enough. I’m not loveable. Too much pressure. I can’t possibly live up to their expectations. I hate my job. I don’t feel safe at home. I’ll use just one more time, then I’ll quit. One more drink won’t hurt. No one sees me. The world would be better off without me. I can’t do this. 

Lies. All of them. But it’s so, so hard to believe that they are lies. It would seem much easier to give in. I challenge you to say those lies out loud, identify where they come from and reframe those thoughts by identifying them with a core belief that is true.

I am beautiful. I am strong. I am loveable. I am loved. I am confident. I am capable. I am a gift. God is greater than this anxiety. I am not my anxiety. I am free. I am joyful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am strong and I am brave. I am not defined by my clothing, my makeup, or the car that I drive. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I will overcome this. I am stronger and braver than I know. 

Each one of these is a beautiful, freeing, strengthening truth. Do you believe it? Do you want to believe it?

When George reached that moment on the bridge as the story came back to real time, he finally understood. He had seen what would have become of the love of his life were it not for the love of her life. Potter had completely taken over the area because Peter Bailey died and he had no surviving sons. His younger brother, Harry - who we know went on to achieve great things and was awarded the Medal of Honor by the President - never saved all those people on the troop ship because he himself died as a child because George wasn’t there to save him. We typically can’t see how the mundane things - like saving your little brother when he fell through the ice - can make a huge difference in the world. Maybe you want to do something extraordinary with your life (like Harry), maybe you don’t (George never left Bedford Falls). Regardless, love well. Because at the end of your life I really don’t think you’ll care much about what GPA you maintained in college, what your first car was or even how successful you or your children were. I think you’ll wish you had spent more time loving your special someone. If you went broke at Christmastime because you bought gifts to love your family with then I bet you’ll be grateful that you have people in your life to buy gifts for.

As I begin this journey with Abundant Life, I confess that I’m scared. Writing about anxiety won’t be easy and I don’t want to pretend to know all the answers; my goal is merely to share my experiences and what I’ve learned from them. Comments are welcome and people might have their own opinions to share. There are certainly people out there who I hope will not find my blog and read my words but I’m determined to not let that fear prevent me from sharing. So, for better or worse, I’m taking a deep breath, telling myself to be brave and clicking publish. Here goes the next step in being brave!

Oh, and one more thing: to all the ‘Georges’ out there, remember - no man is a failure who has friends. (“Thanks for the wings! Love, Clarence”)

Cheers!

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“As I said the prayer in It’s a Wonderful Life, I felt the loneliness and hopelessness of people who had nowhere to turn, and my eyes filled with tears. I broke down sobbing. This was not planned at all, but the power of that prayer, the realization that our Father in heaven is there to help the hopeless had reduced me to tears.”

- Jimmy Stewart