This is quite the bitter pill to take. Hardly uplifting, affirming, or encouraging - much less comforting. If you’ve seen The Princess Bride then you know the scene well: Westley is in the pit of despair after surviving the Fire Swamp with his beloved Buttercup and Count Rugen is testing his new invention. While Westley insists on his own invincibility, the dwarf’s forewarning of the machine’s terror and power seems to have come true as Westley’s body lies lifeless on the table. I watched The Princess Bride for the first time during my childhood while on a family retreat in New Jersey - I would guess that I was about 10 years old. Of course I’ve seen it many times since then but only recently did I notice a layer of deeper meaning to this particular scene and so I began pondering what The Princess Bride can teach me about prayer.
I love prayer. My relationship with God has been through many different seasons over the course of my young life and that’s as it should be; nonetheless, I’ve always felt like a failure when I didn’t pray a daily rosary, make it to daily Mass, read that spiritual text that I said I would, or finish a scripture study in the allotted timeframe. Simultaneously, as a perfectionist I would pray that rosary, go to daily Mass, read that text, and finish that scripture study because I wanted a perfect prayer life. My inclination towards perfectionism always rallies my anxiety and makes me think that I absolutely have to check these things as complete else God might love me less for not maintaining the appearance of an active prayer life. But that is a lie and I now realize that just as I am not defined by my clothing, my makeup (or lack thereof), or my car, neither am I defined by my prayer life.
Once I asked my Confessor if there was some way I could possibly be better at prayer. His response? “You just gotta do it.” I didn’t like his answer because I’ve always wanted a switch to go off and then I magically have this perfect, Saintly, amazing prayer life. To my surprise, I don’t want that anymore because now I realize how severely lacking of an authentic relationship with God that would actually be. Now I see more clearly the beauty of embracing the struggle, starting small and recognizing that God’s invitation is not to fall back into the comfort of my chair when I trip up but to fall into His embrace so that, like the Apostle John, I can lean my head against his chest and rest in his love. (cf. John 13:23-25)
What this scene from The Princess Bride is teaching me is that my prayer life should never make me feel bad. God is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8) and authentic love is life-giving not life-sucking. Although it still and probably always will take intentionality to think of my prayer life as a relationship rather than a checklist (because relationships by nature take a lot of intentionality), I am learning and growing. I attend daily Mass and Adoration regularly because I truly believe in the Real Presence in the Eucharist. I pray the rosary because the prayer is genius, comes straight from Heaven, and is literally a bible study on a string. Plus, when I’m feeling anxious, the rosary doesn’t actually overwhelm me: its rhythm is soothing and its lyric is beautiful, and there’s literally no pressure or particular reason why I have to finish it in one sitting. Take Up and Read bible studies are my favorite thing and I’ll continue using them because it’s a great way to read the Bible with Lectio Divina and their work has borne great fruit in my life. God won’t love me less if I fail to finish these devotions; the Lord is faithful and it’s relationship over perfectionism that truly matters.
Some days coming before the Lord to attend Mass or pray a rosary literally feel like I am climbing the cliffs of insanity. But what keeps me going is the fight for True Love that is so, so worth every peril and affliction along the way (the lives of the Saints are testimony to this truth). Anxiety can literally feel like I am fighting skilled swordsmen, up against giants, or trying to outsmart the anxiety itself; the truth is that the light shines through the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. (cf. John 1:5) The Lord is constant and faithful and it’s to be in an authentic relationship with Him that I desire most of all. And on that note, The Princess Bride also teaches beautifully the correct thing to say to Jesus when I choose to submit myself to his will, letting God be God: “As you wish!”
