My Word for the (Liturgical) New Year 2021

Autumn always has me thinking about my word for the new year and so, as the seasons changed weeks ago, I began praying with different Saint quotes for possibilities of what my new word might be. I initially thought that I would have a hard time choosing between two words. Then, I decided to pray another 54 day rosary novena (my 3rd one this year and offered, in part, for this intention) and am surprised by what my word for the new year has turned out to be. It's neither of the words that I was deliberating over! Lest I get too far ahead of myself, though...

My word for this past year was an unexpected gift, a checkpoint that proved far more precious than I ever could have anticipated. As I strove to find a Rhythm in the new year I was, at that point, still only a few months on my own after moving out of my parents' home and the same old little things kept frustrating me. I wondered whether Rhythm was the right word at all. 

Then March came along and, with it, COVID came to Virginia. I was surprised by how calm I was in the face of the possibility of such unknown and uncertainty as the stress and anxiety levels of the people around me seemed to shoot through the roof (in fact, I very nearly went out to get a Corona beer as an effort to make light of it the weekend that COVID came to Virginia). Though I cried when I found out that the school year had come to an abrupt end (more for grief over the preschool class that I never got to say goodbye to than from the reality of losing my job), I soon realized that the year and a half of intense therapy I had following my breakdown several years ago prepared me very well for this unforeseen chapter. As I tried to figure out what God would have me do for a source of income while I waited for my school to reopen, my desire to find a Rhythm about these strange days truly helped me to keep my heart up.

So for 5 months, I accepted unemployment, made friends with the most adorable identical twin little boys ever (i.e. a regular babysitting job with a family from my school community), read books with a passion that I hadn't had since high school (Anne of Green Gables, you were the best company!) probably watched a few movies (some of them repetitively), and chose to delight myself in the slow, peaceful Rhythm of the ordinary. In the interest of a good night's rest, I made the conscious decision to not watch the news and relied primarily on my family and housemates for the most vital information. To be quite honest, most of quarantine felt like a much-needed retreat!

I became reemployed in August and the parents who made the courageous choice to send their little ones to school made me (and hopefully my coworkers) feel like superheroes; I quickly turned the sentiment around because I am fully aware that, without them, I wouldn't have a job!

Though the amount of daily cleaning and temperature checks that we are required to do was initially overwhelming and exhausting, I soon fell into a sweet Rhythm and realized that my biggest fear wasn't the possibility and increased risk of catching COVID; rather, it was the risk of becoming comfortable and growing lenient about my standards of cleanliness. I've told myself every day, "Don't become too comfortable". So far, our school has done incredibly well. 

As the weeks went by and October arrived, there was a temporary change to my work schedule which meant that, if I was to have the longer early mornings that I enjoy, I had to be awake at 5am. I could not believe how excited I was in anticipation! I've known for forever that I'm a morning person but that I was energized by the thought of being awake at 5am was a wonder to me and I decided to keep it going. I will admit that 5am is very early, though, so I sleep in until 5:30. As of this writing, it's been not quite two months since I started and I have not hit the snooze button once! I now have ample time in the early mornings before work to read books, go for walks and even cook if need be and I am so grateful for the surprise of this newfound Rhythm.

And with that said, I have found that I like there to be some overlap between Words of the Year and so I'll be enlisting both Rhythm and my new word as we begin a new Liturgical year today. Which brings me to the present moment and my word for 2021:

Surprise

I wasn't certain about it at first but, through a lot of prayer, it's become quite clear both that this is my new word and how I should be praying with it as we enter a new Liturgical year and, soon, calendar year. Each week, I'll choose a different fruit of the Holy Spirit (cf. Galatians 5) to pray with, for an increase of in my life. This year, I want to be surprised by peace, joy, love, gentleness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, kindness and self-control and I so look forward to discovering glimpses of God in the most unlikely places.

No matter what the new year holds, what pleasant or unpleasant surprises may lie in wait, I hope that these fruits will grow deep roots in my heart and better prepare me to accept gracefully whatever life throws in my direction. 

Lord, find me grateful. 

I'm no longer able to allow comments on individual posts but you are welcome to email me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you! Keep your heart up!

SARAHFIDDL3R@GMAIL.COM

Fly a Little Higher: The Story of Zach Sobiech

Zach's story will never cease to inspire me. Every time I listen to his music, watch his videos, or read the book that his mom wrote about him posthumously, I cry and am filled with inspiration for how to live my own life more fully. I recently watched a new movie called "Clouds" which is about Zach's life and is based on the book his mother wrote, titled "Fly a Little Higher".

Zach Sobiech wanted to be remembered as the kid who went down fighting osteosarcoma cancer and died at age 18... but didn't really lose. His inspiration still lives today not because he's a kid who died of cancer but because of the way in which he chose to live his final days. I struggle with mental illness on a daily basis and if I am asked what advice I would give to someone who shares my struggles, I would take inspiration from Zach. He said the following in his "My Last Days" video on YouTube: "I just want everyone to know: you don't have to wait to find out you're dying to start living."

I first learned of Zach Sobiech when my sister told me that a musician had died the day before. A musician myself, I was immediately curious and looked up whatever I could find about Zach. As a devout Catholic myself who has a surprising amount of experience with grief for my age, I figured out when his funeral was, figured out the time difference from Minnesota to Virginia, and was praying for them during his funeral. When his mom's book, Fly a Little Higher, came out, they somehow found the blog that I was writing at the time (a different one from this one) and contacted me, asking if they could send me a free copy of the book in exchange for a review on my blog. Of course, I said yes, received the book in the mail, read it and cried. I don't cry easily, but this time the tears blinded my eyes and I couldn't even see the page let alone read the words. I had never met the family and had never been to Minnesota, but this story was stunningly beautiful.

Now it's 2020, seven years following Zach's death. The world is facing an unprecedented pandemic. I was among the many who lost their jobs though my experience was, perhaps, far less stressful with the knowledge of a guaranteed job back. While unemployed, I had a daily babysitting job with a family from my school's community - two adorable identical twin boys. Though I know them very well now, for almost a month, the only way I could tell them apart was by the freckle on the left cheek of one. Many, many times while driving to the twins' home, I listened to Clouds on Spotify - Zach's hit song. I've never met the family, though I do have that small connection with them, and I continually find encouragement in Zach's message to fly a little higher.

And so, while hanging out with a friend recently, we were browsing Disney + looking for something to watch and I noticed a movie called "Clouds". I asked my friend about it, crossing my fingers that it would be about Zach and -- sure enough -- it was! We got our tissues ready and sat back, eager to be inspired. Come to find out that this movie was released only 8 days prior and that, following its release, Zach's hit song "Clouds" hit the iTunes song chart at the #1 spot a second time, 7 years after his death!

I've overcome major depression and I'm learning, every day, to live well with clinical anxiety. Depression feels like death and anxiety makes you think that you're going to die. Encouraged by Zach's words, I just want everyone to know that you don't have to wait to feel like you're dying to start living. You are strong and brave and you can do this, living just one day at a time, one moment at a time, and accepting hardships as a pathway to peace. Jesus came that you might have life and have it abundantly; I believe that, walking together, we can all live this reality.

Zach inspires me to reach for the clouds, to fly a little higher, to see the good in every individual and rejoice in the gift of another day of life. I encourage you to listen to the song, watch his My Last Days and My Last Days (A Year Later) videos on YouTube, read the book and watch the movie. Let this weird, joyful goof of a guy make you smile, laugh and cry. Let him teach you a little more about an abundant life. Let him surprise you with joy. 

I'm no longer able to allow comments on individual posts but you are welcome to email me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you! Keep your heart up!

SARAHFIDDL3R@GMAIL.COM

Song Parody: Cleansing Gel

The story behind the songwriting process...

First, there was a friend who asked me, mid-conversation, if I was worried about coronavirus. My answer then remains honest now: "No".

Then there was a post on Facebook remembering a song parody that had been written during the swine flu pandemic.

Finally, there was a Catholic speaker who I love who shared about one of her favorite ways for finding joy in the midst of self-quarantine: Christmas music!

Thus the idea for writing a song called Cleansing Gel to the tune of Silver Bells was born in my mind.

Two weeks later, I finally had a quiet morning to myself (yesterday). I was sitting on the couch, sipping my morning tea and trying to find the motivation to open the book that I had on my lap when the lyrics just came. Still sitting on the couch, I started sorta singing, "Panic buying, people crying... there's no toilet paper... in the air there's a feeling.... of terror". At which point I stood up, smiling with excitement, and went to get paper and a pen while saying aloud, "Oh my gosh, this is getting real!". I finished the first verse and chorus, recorded and sent it to my family, then hopped in the shower hoping that that would help the next verse to come along.

Meanwhile, my family absolutely loved it. My dad said it could go viral (I was more excited that he liked it that much) and my Mom asked if they could share it. I explained that what I had shared with them was only the rough draft. Another verse was coming and it would likely be all done and ready to share later that day.

I was almost done drying my hair when the lyrics started flowing out of me for the second verse. "Jobs are closing, germs are spreading." I sat with that for a few minutes trying to think of what the next line would be. I looked at the lyrics for Silver Bells to learn from how it was written and find inspiration for Cleansing Gel. I wrote the line which mentions China while second-guessing myself that that was even where it all began. Then I had to bring the song back to the US and wrote that next line. Finally, I had to bring it all back to the main theme and smooth out that transition.

The song was done. I just wanted that final affirmation from my family before sharing it so I went ahead and recorded and uploaded it to YouTube since that was the simplest way to share the song as a whole with my family. They loved it and so I put it on Facebook.

Then I took a walk around my neighborhood to try, mostly in vain, to get Silver Bells out of my head. I was already excited about doing the process again and writing another song parody for these times but had no idea what topic or what melody. I have since answered both of those questions and am hoping that it won't take me another two weeks to create it!

On a somewhat related note, I'm beginning a 54 day rosary novena today for the end of the pandemic. Today begins 27 days of petition, followed by 27 days of thanksgiving to conclude on May 14 which is the feast day of St. Corona who is the patroness of plagues and epidemics. Everyone is more than welcome to join in prayer!

3 things I'm thankful for today: the ability to bring joy to others, rosary novenas, the joy of new life.

Meet My New Pet

I'd been considering getting a pet for weeks - almost since the new year - to help me manage anxiety. My first thought had been a betta fish but, really, they're only pretty. I wasn't excited about the prospect at all. Then I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, thought about the dwarf hamsters that my sister used to have and realized that I could get one for myself! A quick Google search later and I realized that this idea was very affordable and so I kept reading to refresh my memory on their care. I was getting increasingly excited!

Though it has been years, I've had dwarf hamsters before. During Elementary school, I had two albino dwarf hamsters: Blizzard and Sugar (one at a time, of course). I loved playing with them - as I did with all of our animals - and, looking back, I realized that they truly are very low maintenance.

So now, at this point in my life, I jumped at the possibility of getting another one. I knew it would be good for me and helpful for the anxiety and slight tendencies towards depression to have a little critter around for me to care for. After doing my research, I visited a small pet store during my work break to see about a cage. That pet store proved to be so small that choices were limited and animals were just as scarce. Those animals that were around, I very much enjoyed watching; I finally remembered how much joy animals give me and was a little sad to realize how long it's been since I really took the time to delight in them. Watching them now, I felt right at home.

I finished my work day and made a mental plan to go to a pet store near my home the following day (incidentally, on leap year). My Meyers-Briggs personality type is ANFP (Ambivert. It really should be official); knowing that I had a full morning of training for work on Saturday, I left the idea very much up in the air for myself as to whether or not I'd actually get one that weekend. As it happened, after I got home, it took me less than 10 minutes to turn around and get back in the car to go to the pet store hoping to bring home a dwarf hamster.

And so it came to be that, to celebrate Leap Year, I brought home an energetic goofball who I named Chryssie (short for Chrysanthemum).

The pet store where I got Chryssie was much bigger than the first one so I was even more in my happy place watching all the rodents sleeping soundly or scampering playfully about. The birds were very excited but I think that was largely because someone was buying one of them and an employee was trying to catch one with a net to bring it out. The parrots were so funny. I saw three of them; they already have names while they are in the store and the label on Sky's cage said that she will pose for you. Well, the silly thing did see me admiring her and, while she pretended to be eating with her back toward me, what she was really doing was turning her head -- apparently not actually interested in the little bit of food in her mouth -- around to look at me. Quite the charmer.

Chryssie was sound asleep when I first saw her (I had to look at the label to get a better idea of her coloring) so I found an employee to help me collect the things needed for her care and then woke her up from her peaceful slumber. 

Once home and after I had assembled the cage, I put her into her new home and watched her run and climb about as fast as Dash from The Incredibles for probably 10 minutes straight before she showed any signs of acclimation. It was fascinating to watch. Once she was settled, I went back to the pet store because I had somehow managed to walk out of there without her food. This hamster mama is off to a great start!

Hamsters are nocturnal but they do adapt to their owner's schedule. For Chryssie, that means she'll likely remain largely nocturnal since I work full-time. I'll handle her 1-2 times every day and she'll get some time in her round about exercise ball in the early mornings and usually in the evenings after work. I'm currently the most excited about letting her have a good dust bath. 

3 things I'm thankful for today: chicken noodle soup, The Gifts of Imperfection (Dr. Brené Brown), a "just because" phone call from my cousin over the weekend. 

My Indoor Garden || Learning How to Care for Real Plants

A hyacinth soaking up all the sunlight it can in the kitchen

February 9

We've been enjoying unseasonably warm weather here in Northern VA this Winter which, frankly, has been wonderful for my seasonal depression. Still, I've had absolutely no interest in testing those waters and so I've continued enlisting the help of coping skills both old and new. In light of the new, this year I've decided to try my hand at caring for indoor plants.

For those who know me in person, this is potentially laughable based on my history of killing succulents. My primary motivation to try this new experience was my alternative: buying myself fresh flowers about twice a month for the colder months. This route of caring for indoor plants is definitely more cost-effective and, frankly, I've found it to be more therapeutic as well.

When I was in the hospital following my mental breakdown 3 years ago, I learned that getting your hands into dirt is a great coping skill and surprisingly therapeutic. After being discharged, I attended a NAMI conference with my dad and, there, learned how to repot a plant. I couldn't tell you what the plant looked like and I didn't repot another one for three more years but I do remember the feel and the smell of the dirt. And for the moment that it took to complete the task at hand, nothing else in the world mattered to me. The otherwise constant physical pain of the severe anxiety left me and I can't even express how much I enjoyed the brief relief. The calm that I experienced was a moment of strength for me that gave me hope to keep fighting for another day.

Back to the new this year. I was motivated by my desire to decorate my little apartment. In mid-December, I bought myself a small pot of mini roses which, sadly but predictably, died within a couple of weeks. Then, right after that, one of my best friends gave me another small pot of flowers in celebration of the anniversary of my breakdown. I was so excited about them and sincerely hoped that they would last longer than the roses. They found their new home on a windowsill in my home and I soon fell into a rhythm of caring for them, watering them about once a week. Since they hadn't died yet, I purchased several mini plants from Trader Joes and added them to the windowsill. Again, I quickly fell into a rhythm of caring for them and soon learned how to read them accurately (one day, I noticed one of them wilting heavily. I immediately watered it and was delighted when I saw the next day that it looked good as new!).

The trial period for my plants ended (I unofficially gave myself about 3 weeks) and I bought a small indoor watering can. I was very surprised by how much that added to the therapeutic experience as a whole: I had no idea how fun it would be to walk around my apartment watering my plants!

Sweet philodendron looking all happy and perky in the living area

I currently have something like 15 indoor plants - most of which are those teeny tiny miniature $2 plants from Trader Joes - and they are all doing so well! Most of them reside on my bedroom windowsill and that's where I plan to repot them in a windowsill planter to give them a better chance at a longer life. Additionally, my mom gave me two pots of philodendrons. These are such a welcome sight for me as they were around the house during my childhood and I very much enjoy that they require little-to-no sunlight and so I can put them anywhere in a room.

The trial period

My sweet, simple indoor garden

February 24

I've repotted my plants, with my mom's help, in the last couple of weeks. Repotting them was immense fun. I had never picked the plants up from their tiny pots before those moments and I could finally see that they had maybe an inch of dirt to their name and that a couple of them wanted so badly to stretch their roots but just didn't have the space to. I'm so happy that they now do!

Along the way, my Mom showed me the mug that I had repotted a plant in at the NAMI conference with my dad. That's when I realized that I remembered the moment, the smell and the feel of the dirt and, of course, the temporary relief from the pain but literally nothing else. I still have no idea what the plant looked like but I thought I had replanted it in a pot and not a coffee mug! I took the mug back and repotted a succulent in it (which is quite possibly exactly what I did at the conference) and that gave me the idea to get several more nature-themed mugs (thank you, thrift stores!) to pot more succulents in and decorate the downstairs windowsill with.

Now that I'm gaining confidence in my ability to care for plants, I'm hoping to try caring for herbs. I've heard that they're harder - easy to underwater and overwater - but I'd be so interested in giving it a try, especially knowing how therapeutic the experience is.

I'd love to read your thoughts and tips about indoor plants and herbs. Please feel free to share in the comments!

Satisfied in God

During over a decade of living in severe isolation and ignorance of anxiety, I often found solace in this poem. It speaks truth not only to the deepest longing of the human heart -- namely, for relationship -- but also reminds me of the truth that I am seen, fully known, and loved by an incredible God who is love (cf. 1 John 4:7-8). It was, for me, a source of strength and gave me hope that, one day, my life would be better than it was then. It's a joy to share this poem with you now. - Sarah

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A Poem Attributed to Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me. And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

Dec. 28, 2016: The Day My Life Began to Change for the Better

One year ago today, I published my first post on this blog as a small celebration of the second anniversary of my mental breakdown.

My breakdown happened while I was visiting my parents and my sister had just finished giving me a haircut. After I fainted twice consecutively, I was transported to the ER where I was eventually sent home with the paper that tells you to follow up with your PCP within 48 hours of an ER visit.

I dreaded my first anniversary. My therapist tried hard to help me think of it in a new light but a "spiritual awakening" just didn't sit well with me. I told her that I was so afraid of having a panic attack and fainting again. At last, the only thing that helped even just a little bit was recognizing the significant amount of therapy I'd been through in the meantime and realizing that I was in much better health now then I was before.

Last year, as my second anniversary approached, I was still not excited about it but neither did I dread it. I quietly prepared to start my blog on the anniversary and, the day before, I stopped on my way home from work and bought a piece of tiramisu that I would eat at work the following day to celebrate my anniversary.

And that worked. Just that small, delicious celebration that I treated myself to completely changed my perspective on my anniversary and made it a day that I realized truly is one to celebrate. Though the immediate aftereffects of the day was the hardest experience of my life thus far, I now can see that December 28, 2016 is the day that my life began to change for the better.

Today is 3 years since my mental breakdown - something that seemed impossible to me during the intensity of my suicidal ideations. I've now been at my current job for as long as I was at my "dream job" (read my letter for reference) and I can't believe how much happier I am and how happy I am - but I sure am loving it! I did a holiday show again this year. Last year I was stressed out as I learned the process of creating a show (but I still had an overall incredible time!); this year, I was relaxed as I trusted the process while giving my all at work and at the theater. Today, I'm enjoying brunch and a movie with several friends -- most of whom I didn't even know at the time of my breakdown!

I am alive, happy and embracing opportunities I never thought I could and I truly believe that I am better for them. Lord, find me grateful!

My Life is Unrecognizable

"Enjoy this time. Believe me, your life will become very full soon enough," said my therapist after I told her that my days really weren't very exciting. She always began our sessions, after greeting me, by saying "Tell me everything" and I loved it about her. And now as she spoke these words to me, I truly did believe her.
I smile back on that day now. It was before I entered remission following my breakdown, before I landed my current job, and while I could wash my then very long hair in the late morning then sit outside in the Summer sun for the next hour or so while it slowly dried. Every day. It was during those few months that the thing I looked forward to the most were my weekly meetings with this therapist. I smile thinking of how I lived those days. They were slow but they were so good for me. I was learning how to embrace my life in the now, caring less and less about yesterday or tomorrow. I was learning to love the present.

And my therapist was absolutely correct. Life sure did become so much more full and it really didn't take long! I spent that school year learning the lay of the land at my new -- current -- school and loving every bit of it. The following year, I was promoted to working full-time and did a show as musician. Though my "yes" to the show was oh-so-reluctant, I ended up rediscovering my love of music and accidentally discovered a new passion!

My life today is unrecognizable to the girl who sat outside letting her hair dry slowly in the Summer sunshine. In fact, I recently enjoyed a day of doing very, very little and I basked in the simplicity of it, chuckling with gratitude about how much I love my beautifully full and abundant life now, so much so that slower days like these no longer make me feel stuck in my state of singleness. On the contrary, they make me feel strong knowing that my life now has a healthy balance of rest, work, socializing, passions, nutrition, reading, writing, music and all of the sweet little things that I enjoy doing and being.

This is a good, wonderful, abundant life. Lord, find me grateful!

"Would You Rather...?"

I recently started a new job at my job and, with it, comes all the expected and not expected changes and transitions of going from a 30 to a 40 hour work week. I love it, though, and I'm so grateful that God knows my heart better than I do because this happened just in time for me to spend most of my day with what is so far one of the sweetest classes I've ever worked with in my 8 years of teaching.

As I said, it's been a shift in the schedule -- 40 hours is pretty different from 30 -- and I was nervous about building up the stamina but confident that I could do it. So, for the last couple of weeks, I've been playing little games of "Would You Rather?" with myself. It's all about cause and effect and my goal is to help myself make the better choice in the moment so as to live life more abundantly... and have less frustration with myself to suffer over the following 12-24 hours. 

Picture this: it's 9:30 at night, I know that I'm not a night owl and that I do best on about 8 hours of sleep. Sleep does not come easily for me so, if I lay down now, I'll hopefully succumb in about 45 minutes. But it'd be so easy to turn on Netflix for a little while. (As cheesy of an example as that sounds, it's an almost nightly choice for me.) Sarah, I ask myself, Would you rather watch Netflix now and possibly still be awake at 11 or 12 or take your meds, say Night Prayer, turn on your Nature Sounds to help you relax, and get a good night's sleep so that you are more ready for another day with your students tomorrow? 

Netflix loses every time.

Now picture this: I had plans to go see a movie over Labor Day weekend when a friend texted me on Friday night and asked if I'd like to go to a particular annual Labor Day weekend festival with her on Saturday at the exact time I was planning to see the movie. I almost texted her back immediately saying 'no'! Hold on, I said to myself, Sarah, would you rather go see a movie by yourself that is showing at other times or get together with your friend to go to this festival that you've heard about for years but have never gone to because you've never had a friend to go with?

Can I just say that it's amazing how obvious the right answer is when you take a moment to consider the bigger picture and ask yourself to answer the question honestly? We went to the festival and we both had an incredible time!

The first week of the new school year was long but so good because I did my best to make sure that I was well-rested every day, intentionally cultivated a spirit of gratitude. And this little game of "Would You Rather?" really did help me make the better decisions -- from not hitting the snooze button 5 days in a row to being more disciplined about my bedtime routines. This year was my 8th time starting a new school year in the role of a teacher and I dare to say it was the best first week of school yet! 

Lord, find me grateful!

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. 

When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

Also: I've recently made some changes behind the scenes on my blog. Consequently, it's possible that those of you who had subscribed to my blog via email will have to subscribe again if you would like to continue receiving my posts in your inbox. I did not foresee this when I made the changes and I apologize for the inconvenience.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Detached: How I Learned to Put My Phone in Its Place

I’m a little embarrassed to admit how easily I get sucked into technology though I suppose that’s not especially unique to me. Frankly, I don’t even understand technology that well, despite my being as young as I am (I listen to Frank Sinatra on the weekends). So when I finally, 5 months later, admitted to a friend that I have a phone addiction and told her the story of how it came about this time around, I was glad that I had finally named my struggle and shared it with someone who wouldn’t try to fix me but would pray for me and keep me accountable.

This time, it began in February 2019. I’d been blindsided by a panic attack while at work and turned to my phone as a mental distraction, telling myself that it was a “coping skill”. Oh, what a lie that was! But I didn’t challenge myself on it. Instead, I picked up my phone with increasing frequency and slowly but surely began experiencing daily headaches, restlessness, and even some guilt and shame. 

When I finally realized how many months had passed, I felt worse but, simultaneously, I knew it was time and I was ready for a change. I know what life is like without a phone addiction and I wanted that freedom again. I didn’t and don’t think I’m called to cold turkey my presence on social media but I believed that I could learn to figure out a healthy balance. The primary ingredient, I believed, was self-discipline and, if I want to be completely satisfied and fulfilled by Jesus both here and hopefully someday in Heaven, then the struggle to get there is completely, totally and utterly worth it (thank you, Jesus, for the great gift of redemptive suffering!). Motivated by my desire for Heaven, I listened to the first piece of advice given to me by my friend: take more walks.

I’m a firm believer that moving your body (i.e. exercise) is of paramount importance for anyone who struggles with mental illness. And the great news is that it doesn’t take much: taking walks around the block several times a week does wonders for clearing the mind and releasing endorphins. If, like me, this is less likely to happen for you when the temperatures are cooler, consider a monthly gym membership with access to a pool or treadmill or anything else simple that you might discover you enjoy. That’s my personal goal for this Winter!

After a couple of weeks of taking more walks, I visited our local Catholic bookstore to pick up Bible Index Tabs. Those little things are so handy and I don’t mind putting them on, so I have for several of my friends’ bibles in addition to my own! Since I was there, I of course took the time to browse the bookshelves. The title that I would never have been looking for but which was only too relevant that nearly jumped off the shelf into my hands when I saw it was this: Detached: Put Your Phone in Its Place. Someone wrote a book about this? And it’s in a Catholic bookstore? After I briefly skimmed it, I decided to make the purchase.

I have enjoyed it so much more than I expected to! It’s written as a 21 day retreat so it has a goal or reflection to do every day and each day is only 2 or 3 pages long. At the very beginning, the author asks you to think about this book as a little retreat and even write down the names of the people for whom you want to offer up this retreat. Redemptive Suffering is so real and so beautiful and the author knows that overcoming any addiction and reworking one’s priorities is hard work that’s worth offering up. Beyond that, it took me a few days to really get into it, but once I saw that it quotes St. Thomas Aquinas, studies the Our Father and offers practical tips for helping you to prioritize your overall health and happiness above your phone use with the intention of using your phone less and better, I really loved it and began utilizing its advice in my own life. It challenges your priorities and gives suggestions of practical ways you can remind yourself of your priorities when you find yourself reaching for your phone. I can tell that this book has already helped me because I’m feeling better and am happier. I don’t get headaches every day anymore, there aren’t as many Amazon or other packages showing up on my front doorstep, I suddenly have more time to enjoy my musical instruments and the time that I spend with my family and friends is notably more enjoyable. Having said all of that, it seems so ridiculous to think how much time I gave to my phone. What a difference it makes to name the struggle and ask for help!

Speaking of asking for help, I’m further encouraged and motivated by devotion to Our Lady. When Our Lady appeared to St. Catherine Laboure and gave her the Miraculous Medal, Mary said nothing but Catherine heard these words: “The ball which you see represents the world, especially France, and each person in particular. These rays symbolize the graces I shed upon those who ask for them. The jewels which give no rays symbolize the graces that are not given because they are not asked for.” Indeed, on Calvary, Mary’s Heart was pierced with a sword, as Simeon had fortold (cf. Luke 2:35). But her pierced Heart is different from that of her Son’s; when Jesus’ Sacred Heart was pierced, it became a Fountain of Mercy, the source of Mercy. When Mary’s Immaculate Heart was pierced, it became an instrument of grace that opens hearts to receive God’s mercy. 

For as long as you and I own phones, we’ll be struggling to find the appropriate balance of phone use vs real life. It’ll probably differ a little bit from day to day depending on season, family, work, travel, etc. but I know it’s possible. With the help of God’s grace and the intercession of Our Blessed Mother and our Guardian Angels, all things are!

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For more information on Marian devotion as cited in this post, please see: 

33 Days to Merciful Love (Fr. Michael Gaitley) and 

http://www.marys-touch.com/Saints/medal/medal.htm

Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Cultivating Friend Groups

Everyone loves a good story. There’s the intrigue of getting to know the characters, the excitement of figuring out the plot, and the satisfaction of a good ending — even better when there’s a strong, powerful underlying moral. Hearing a good story for the very first time is how I perceive getting to know a friend.

Oftentimes, we meet people within a particular context and, with that, comes many assumptions that I’m assuming are mutually assumed. When you meet someone new at your Church, you likely assume that they share the same Faith denomination as you which can potentially lead to subsequent assumptions of their political opinions and moral standards. My challenge and something that I am working on in my own life is to stop assuming and start asking questions. Put more directly, turn your assumptions into questions and ask them as such. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to learn that you’ve assumed wrong, perhaps you’ll find yourself in the middle of a really great conversation, or perhaps you’ll discover that you have a lot in common with each other.

One of my favorite things is asking couples how they met. The story oftentimes begins by them saying “We met at Church/a concert/a bar/blind date/ at school/at work/etc.” then they take turns answering the question of why they were there by telling the circumstances of what led them to be at Church that particular time, why they went to that concert, the bar, who set them up on the blind date and why they agreed to it, why they went to that school, what led to their employment at that particular job, etc. That backstory really can set the tone for the friendship to unfold.

My challenge to you, my dear readers, and to myself is to intentionally cultivate friendships now while you’re living in the gap. You have the time (if you don’t have the time then you’re either lying to yourself or there’s an imbalance somewhere in your life where you might need to reconsider your priorities) and I promise you that you won’t regret it. I would personally rather be hurt by a friend than miserable and lonely. Further, I’ve watched my older siblings experience some really hard things that life can throw at you and their experiences of them would be vastly difference sans support from the groups of friends which they have cultivated over time.

And there’s my final thought: give yourself time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Persevere through time and allow yourself to one day be surprised when you realize that you have friends — and really, really good friends! The brilliance of a well-written story isn’t limited to the intelligence of one person. The author gathers ideas over time, is inspired by friends and other experiences who don’t even know the profound affect they’re having on the author and then the story is finally written. You are a necessary, beautiful part of your friends’ stories — and your own! Enjoy the time you have to get to know yourself and your friends (both new and old), cherish the memories and take the time every day to express gratitude for beauty of your story and all of the characters in it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Tips for Overcoming Isolation

Dear Introverts,

Please don’t use introversion as an excuse for isolation. You were made for more.

Love,

Fellow Introvert Who Totally Does(Did) This

I’m all about personal growth and development (except for when someone else tells me what I should do. *winks*) Actually, it was someone else who pointed out to me that I struggle with isolation and, for some reason, I heard her and immediately began brainstorming (I love brainstorming!) ways to overcome these tendencies and help myself improve. Some of these ways I realized I had already accidentally begun doing, others I’ve thought up (or they’ve come up in conversation) and utilized in the meantime. Here, I’ve compiled a little list of some ideas for us to come back to whenever we need a little something in the inspiration department.

Test an Opportunity, Then Embrace it

The first step that I accidentally took before identifying this particular struggle was becoming involved in a local community theater  I’m not a theater person. I don’t act beyond what’s required of a preschool teacher. I hadn’t been on stage in more than 15 years. Odds were that I wouldn’t do the show that I was asked to be a part of. But it wasn’t lines that I was asked to memorize, it was music  The director wanted me to play my violin and I realized that that unfortunately made total sense. It still took me 2 months, but I eventually said yes to the show.

I had a marvelous time and I have no regrets. One thought I had before saying “Yes” that was significant in convincing me was this: “Sarah, how would you feel if you were sitting in the audience watching this show knowing full well that you could have been up there with them?” Would I view that as a joy to watch the show anyway or as a missed opportunity? My answer was the latter: I couldn’t imagine myself sitting in the audience knowing that the cast and crew could have been my best friends for the last couple of months during rehearsals while I continued isolating myself. I realized that I wanted to invite my friends and family to the show. I wanted the opportunity to see people and you never know who will take the time to embrace the opportunity right along with you. As it turns out, I had guests at every single performance and was even able to meet both the playwright of the show and a longtime blogging friend who came to the show with her husband! I’d been praying for years for an opportunity to meet her. So I gues you never know when or how a prayer will be answered, huh?

Find a Weekly Event that You Love and Become REALLY Good at Going

For me right now, this is a Christ-centered 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I learned about it after asking my therapist if she knew of an appropriate 12 step program that I could participate in (I knew that AA was not my home) and she suggested two: Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and Celebrate Recovery. (See links on my Resources page for more info)

Celebrate Recovery is a program for people struggling with hurts, habits and hang-ups (which is literally everyone and can I just say that I appreciate the alliteration?). My first time there I was a.n.x.i.o.u.s. due to it being my first time in a new environment where I knew no one. Simultaneously, I knew that it was where I was supposed to be so I did not allow the anxiety to stop me. I’ve only been going for a couple of months but it has been such a great choice for this season of life. I’ve made new friends and my weekends are now much more full — and it was someone at CR who told me that it sounded like I struggle with isolation.

There’s literally no wrong answer here (well, actually... I can think of some places I would not recommend going to). Maybe you enjoy Theology on Tap, swing dancing, taking a class, volunteering, group bible studies, choir, some kind of sports team, etc. Maybe volunteering means picking a ministry at your Church to become active in and commit yourself to its apostolate. There are so many opportunities! The main thing that prevents me from going to anything is my preference to not go alone but preferences are only preferences. They can really trip us up. Consider your options (to go or not to go — that is the question!), remember that there’s no commitment involved (if you hate it than don’t go back. If you like it, go back), take it all in stride (check your breathing. That’s always my first step. I’m amazed by how often I find myself holding my breath and, let me tell ya, breathing makes quite a difference when you’re trying to live life!), and enjoy.

Frequent Adoration

Remember reality: Jesus Christ is fully present Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist. If Adoration isn’t really possible then hopefully frequent stops in a little Chapel are? Prayer is crucial. You’re not talking to yourself even if God feels really distant. I heard a story recently of a young woman whose experience in Adoration changed after she started dating her now-husband. While they were dating, she frequented an Adoration Chapel and what changed was that she no longer didn’t go when she felt unprepared. She went anyway — as she was. And, really, that’s probably what God appreciates most: those moments when all we bring to Him are our empty hands. Those times when we have no personal agenda might feel strange or even painful to us but perhaps those are the times when we are actually the most open to the works of the Holy Spirit. 

Set a Timer for Quiet Time

If you need to clean your room or just need some quiet alone time that’s fine but, if you are in your room, set a timer and, when the timer goes off, leave for at least a few hours. Your room does not have to be “perfect” to be clean (though after utilizing Marie Kondo’s method in my room, I’ve found tidying up to be faster and more effective now that everything has a home). I use my phone timer, a playlist, or a movie (that I may or may not actually pay attention to). When the timer beeps or the playlist or movie ends, that’s my cue to Drop Everything And Run (run? Eh, I just wanted something to create DEAR as an acronym. Time is important — far too precious a gift to spend it all in isolation!).  

You Can Sleep Later

If sleep is your reason for missing a fun activity with friends, chances are you can sleep later. There are absolutely legitimate reasons for sleeping; I’m saying that if you’re using sleep as an excuse because you’re struggling against fear and anxiety then it’s likely actually more healthy for you to go and embrace the opportunity. Would you rather be hurt by a friend or alone and lonely? I know what my answer is and this is a great opportunity to teach your brain that hanging out with friends is a good thing to do! The occasion invites conversation and conversation leads to stronger relationships.

Be the Friend You Wish You Had

I know, I totally get it: you’re just waiting for someone to notice that you weren’t there and then reach out to you, see if you’re ok, and invite you to the next fun thing. Guys, I lived like that for YEARS and it’s no fun at all. The lies swimming in my head were, “Why can’t someone just notice that I wasn’t there,” “Why doesn’t anyone see me when I am there?” “Does no one really see how lonely I am?” Well, to that last one, maybe you’re wearing that loneliness marvelously well. I speak to the mask of a smile that it’s surprisingly easy to give to anyone and rare is the person who takes that smile as an invitation to come say hello.... at least, that is, in my experience. So perhaps, perhaps you could be the one who says hello. You can be the one who asks for a new friend’s number. You can be the one to text or call and say, “Hey, you free for [coffee/hike/movie/mini golf/volunteer opportunity/disc golf/bike ride/swimming pool/bowling/etc.] this weekend?”. If they say “No”, then that’s ok. No just means “Next Opportunity”! You never know who will take the time to embrace an opportunity right along with you. Be brave, perhaps even a little bold, then sit back and let yourself be surprised.

Your Social Media Account Bio

We’ve all got the same 100 characters (or whatever it is) to tell our followers a little bit about ourselves. What if we use that little box to present what is actually a personal challenge? One thing my Instagram (@sarahloutherese) bio says is “Frolicking paths in VA” - I see that and it challenges me to put my phone down and actually do it. So when I have a free morning, I’ll drive to a lake and hike one of the paths. I have a small group of friends (from CR!) who enjoy hiking and we frequently go to a park together to enjoy the outdoors and each other’s company. The accountability part comes into action even more because I can share a picture or five on my IG stories. Do people actually read bios and notice that you’re living up to what you say about yourself? I dunno and who cares? This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness that I’m talking about, not your fame or your glory. My idea is to type out this simple personal challenge and leave it there for a week, month, season [of the year] or season [of life] - whatever you need. The only rule is that there are no rules.

My Biggest Regret

I’m a 20-something year old and, after all the therapy and life experiences that I’ve had thus far, I can tell you that — if I have any regrets at all — it’s been my lack of pro activity. But, hold on, let’s not dwell on that. Let’s figure out how to gently and firmly work on it.

My nature is more outgoing yet, when I meet a total stranger, I find myself wondering where all my words just went. I’m a chatterbox with people I know but the second someone new walks in, I’m like “What just happened?”. Can you relate? My suggestion is to make a physical list of questions you would want someone to ask you or favorite questions you’ve heard others ask and commit them to memory (once at a BBQ in college, I joined a friend of mine who was with a circle of her friends and introduced myself around. The guy on my right said, “I’m not going to ask you where you’re from because everyone does that, but I am going to ask you what’s your favorite dinosaur and why?” If you’re wondering, the answer is triceratops because of what the second and third syllables sound like. Turns out he and I had something in common — though our reasons were different!). I’m oftentimes surprised by where the conversation goes after the ice is broken (and sometimes the thing that broke the ice becomes an inside joke!). Sometimes I end up enjoying the conversation so much that I laugh until I cry! And to think that such joy and fellowship would have been missed had I given into the fear and anxiety that plagued me in the anticipation of the moment, which leads me to my last thought:

Do Not Settle

Catholic Chastity and Motivational speakers and writers say this all the time: “Don’t settle for the first guy who comes along,” then they proceed to share good information about red flags and healthy boundaries — and oftentimes include a good dose of humor! One of my best friends and I have used this for our mental health: Don’t settle for the anxiety! God made you for so much more. This is not to dismiss the anxiety — God does not love you any less because you have anxiety — but I know that you can do life anyway: this is the path that God has given you to travel to Heaven. Why? I have no idea. But it is, so let’s embrace and live life joyfully with it. Happiness is a feeling; joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit that can be experienced in all circumstances.

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Hopefully some of this resonates with and is helpful for you! I have another post coming about anxiety and time management and that can honestly be considered part 2 of this so stay tuned!

To you, dear heart, who is struggling with isolation: know that you are seen, fully known, and loved by God who didn’t just die for you but ROSE for you, walked out of his tomb, and is calling you to do the same. 

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Many of my followers over on Instagram have asked to hear more of my story. I am going to share it! I’ve written it in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series “Letters to Women”. (If you’re not a woman and you’re interested in reading it then there’s no need to worry: you can totally read my letter.) I will find out in July when the letter will be published. 

When it is published, I need your help! I wrote the letter for the hearts of those who are suffering silently and I need your help to reach them. Please share my letter! You never know who will click on a link and what will resonate with them. And in the meantime, please join me in praying for everyone who will read the letter. 

Also, check out my newly updated Resources page. Feel free to share with a friend!

Love you all!