Please don’t use introversion as an excuse for isolation. You were made for more.
Love,
Fellow Introvert Who Totally Does(Did) This
I’m all about personal growth and development (except for when someone else tells me what I should do. *winks*) Actually, it was someone else who pointed out to me that I struggle with isolation and, for some reason, I heard her and immediately began brainstorming (I love brainstorming!) ways to overcome these tendencies and help myself improve. Some of these ways I realized I had already accidentally begun doing, others I’ve thought up (or they’ve come up in conversation) and utilized in the meantime. Here, I’ve compiled a little list of some ideas for us to come back to whenever we need a little something in the inspiration department.
Test an Opportunity, Then Embrace it
The first step that I accidentally took before identifying this particular struggle was becoming involved in a local community theater I’m not a theater person. I don’t act beyond what’s required of a preschool teacher. I hadn’t been on stage in more than 15 years. Odds were that I wouldn’t do the show that I was asked to be a part of. But it wasn’t lines that I was asked to memorize, it was music The director wanted me to play my violin and I realized that that unfortunately made total sense. It still took me 2 months, but I eventually said yes to the show.
I had a marvelous time and I have no regrets. One thought I had before saying “Yes” that was significant in convincing me was this: “Sarah, how would you feel if you were sitting in the audience watching this show knowing full well that you could have been up there with them?” Would I view that as a joy to watch the show anyway or as a missed opportunity? My answer was the latter: I couldn’t imagine myself sitting in the audience knowing that the cast and crew could have been my best friends for the last couple of months during rehearsals while I continued isolating myself. I realized that I wanted to invite my friends and family to the show. I wanted the opportunity to see people and you never know who will take the time to embrace the opportunity right along with you. As it turns out, I had guests at every single performance and was even able to meet both the playwright of the show and a longtime blogging friend who came to the show with her husband! I’d been praying for years for an opportunity to meet her. So I gues you never know when or how a prayer will be answered, huh?
Find a Weekly Event that You Love and Become REALLY Good at Going
For me right now, this is a Christ-centered 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I learned about it after asking my therapist if she knew of an appropriate 12 step program that I could participate in (I knew that AA was not my home) and she suggested two: Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and Celebrate Recovery. (See links on my Resources page for more info)
Celebrate Recovery is a program for people struggling with hurts, habits and hang-ups (which is literally everyone and can I just say that I appreciate the alliteration?). My first time there I was a.n.x.i.o.u.s. due to it being my first time in a new environment where I knew no one. Simultaneously, I knew that it was where I was supposed to be so I did not allow the anxiety to stop me. I’ve only been going for a couple of months but it has been such a great choice for this season of life. I’ve made new friends and my weekends are now much more full — and it was someone at CR who told me that it sounded like I struggle with isolation.
There’s literally no wrong answer here (well, actually... I can think of some places I would not recommend going to). Maybe you enjoy Theology on Tap, swing dancing, taking a class, volunteering, group bible studies, choir, some kind of sports team, etc. Maybe volunteering means picking a ministry at your Church to become active in and commit yourself to its apostolate. There are so many opportunities! The main thing that prevents me from going to anything is my preference to not go alone but preferences are only preferences. They can really trip us up. Consider your options (to go or not to go — that is the question!), remember that there’s no commitment involved (if you hate it than don’t go back. If you like it, go back), take it all in stride (check your breathing. That’s always my first step. I’m amazed by how often I find myself holding my breath and, let me tell ya, breathing makes quite a difference when you’re trying to live life!), and enjoy.
Frequent Adoration
Remember reality: Jesus Christ is fully present Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist. If Adoration isn’t really possible then hopefully frequent stops in a little Chapel are? Prayer is crucial. You’re not talking to yourself even if God feels really distant. I heard a story recently of a young woman whose experience in Adoration changed after she started dating her now-husband. While they were dating, she frequented an Adoration Chapel and what changed was that she no longer didn’t go when she felt unprepared. She went anyway — as she was. And, really, that’s probably what God appreciates most: those moments when all we bring to Him are our empty hands. Those times when we have no personal agenda might feel strange or even painful to us but perhaps those are the times when we are actually the most open to the works of the Holy Spirit.
Set a Timer for Quiet Time
If you need to clean your room or just need some quiet alone time that’s fine but, if you are in your room, set a timer and, when the timer goes off, leave for at least a few hours. Your room does not have to be “perfect” to be clean (though after utilizing Marie Kondo’s method in my room, I’ve found tidying up to be faster and more effective now that everything has a home). I use my phone timer, a playlist, or a movie (that I may or may not actually pay attention to). When the timer beeps or the playlist or movie ends, that’s my cue to Drop Everything And Run (run? Eh, I just wanted something to create DEAR as an acronym. Time is important — far too precious a gift to spend it all in isolation!).
You Can Sleep Later
If sleep is your reason for missing a fun activity with friends, chances are you can sleep later. There are absolutely legitimate reasons for sleeping; I’m saying that if you’re using sleep as an excuse because you’re struggling against fear and anxiety then it’s likely actually more healthy for you to go and embrace the opportunity. Would you rather be hurt by a friend or alone and lonely? I know what my answer is and this is a great opportunity to teach your brain that hanging out with friends is a good thing to do! The occasion invites conversation and conversation leads to stronger relationships.
Be the Friend You Wish You Had
I know, I totally get it: you’re just waiting for someone to notice that you weren’t there and then reach out to you, see if you’re ok, and invite you to the next fun thing. Guys, I lived like that for YEARS and it’s no fun at all. The lies swimming in my head were, “Why can’t someone just notice that I wasn’t there,” “Why doesn’t anyone see me when I am there?” “Does no one really see how lonely I am?” Well, to that last one, maybe you’re wearing that loneliness marvelously well. I speak to the mask of a smile that it’s surprisingly easy to give to anyone and rare is the person who takes that smile as an invitation to come say hello.... at least, that is, in my experience. So perhaps, perhaps you could be the one who says hello. You can be the one who asks for a new friend’s number. You can be the one to text or call and say, “Hey, you free for [coffee/hike/movie/mini golf/volunteer opportunity/disc golf/bike ride/swimming pool/bowling/etc.] this weekend?”. If they say “No”, then that’s ok. No just means “Next Opportunity”! You never know who will take the time to embrace an opportunity right along with you. Be brave, perhaps even a little bold, then sit back and let yourself be surprised.
Your Social Media Account Bio
We’ve all got the same 100 characters (or whatever it is) to tell our followers a little bit about ourselves. What if we use that little box to present what is actually a personal challenge? One thing my Instagram (@sarahloutherese) bio says is “Frolicking paths in VA” - I see that and it challenges me to put my phone down and actually do it. So when I have a free morning, I’ll drive to a lake and hike one of the paths. I have a small group of friends (from CR!) who enjoy hiking and we frequently go to a park together to enjoy the outdoors and each other’s company. The accountability part comes into action even more because I can share a picture or five on my IG stories. Do people actually read bios and notice that you’re living up to what you say about yourself? I dunno and who cares? This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness that I’m talking about, not your fame or your glory. My idea is to type out this simple personal challenge and leave it there for a week, month, season [of the year] or season [of life] - whatever you need. The only rule is that there are no rules.
My Biggest Regret
I’m a 20-something year old and, after all the therapy and life experiences that I’ve had thus far, I can tell you that — if I have any regrets at all — it’s been my lack of pro activity. But, hold on, let’s not dwell on that. Let’s figure out how to gently and firmly work on it.
My nature is more outgoing yet, when I meet a total stranger, I find myself wondering where all my words just went. I’m a chatterbox with people I know but the second someone new walks in, I’m like “What just happened?”. Can you relate? My suggestion is to make a physical list of questions you would want someone to ask you or favorite questions you’ve heard others ask and commit them to memory (once at a BBQ in college, I joined a friend of mine who was with a circle of her friends and introduced myself around. The guy on my right said, “I’m not going to ask you where you’re from because everyone does that, but I am going to ask you what’s your favorite dinosaur and why?” If you’re wondering, the answer is triceratops because of what the second and third syllables sound like. Turns out he and I had something in common — though our reasons were different!). I’m oftentimes surprised by where the conversation goes after the ice is broken (and sometimes the thing that broke the ice becomes an inside joke!). Sometimes I end up enjoying the conversation so much that I laugh until I cry! And to think that such joy and fellowship would have been missed had I given into the fear and anxiety that plagued me in the anticipation of the moment, which leads me to my last thought:
Do Not Settle
Catholic Chastity and Motivational speakers and writers say this all the time: “Don’t settle for the first guy who comes along,” then they proceed to share good information about red flags and healthy boundaries — and oftentimes include a good dose of humor! One of my best friends and I have used this for our mental health: Don’t settle for the anxiety! God made you for so much more. This is not to dismiss the anxiety — God does not love you any less because you have anxiety — but I know that you can do life anyway: this is the path that God has given you to travel to Heaven. Why? I have no idea. But it is, so let’s embrace and live life joyfully with it. Happiness is a feeling; joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit that can be experienced in all circumstances.
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Hopefully some of this resonates with and is helpful for you! I have another post coming about anxiety and time management and that can honestly be considered part 2 of this so stay tuned!
To you, dear heart, who is struggling with isolation: know that you are seen, fully known, and loved by God who didn’t just die for you but ROSE for you, walked out of his tomb, and is calling you to do the same.
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Many of my followers over on Instagram have asked to hear more of my story. I am going to share it! I’ve written it in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series “Letters to Women”. (If you’re not a woman and you’re interested in reading it then there’s no need to worry: you can totally read my letter.) I will find out in July when the letter will be published.
When it is published, I need your help! I wrote the letter for the hearts of those who are suffering silently and I need your help to reach them. Please share my letter! You never know who will click on a link and what will resonate with them. And in the meantime, please join me in praying for everyone who will read the letter.
Love you all!
