February has long been a challenging month for me. It's dreary and gray. There's nothing to look forward to other than Spring and groundhog day doesn't really help that excitement do anything except peter out. Last March, as COVID came to Virginia, I found joy in that Springtime was right around the corner and we had flowers and wildlife to look forward to. I figured that, if COVID had to happen, I was grateful it was happening during the Spring and Summer so that winter blues were less likely to threaten to rob me of my joy. I had no idea how long COVID would last but, if it were still all the rage come late Fall and into the Winter months, I would cross that bridge when we got there.
January was hard. We faced our first COVID case at the school where I teach and I remember those ten minutes so well. I had almost arrived at work when I thought to myself, "Wow! I feel really great today!" -- meaning, no anxiety, refreshed and energized. I parked, got my stuff together and walked into school. I clocked in and walked down the hallway the same way I often do -- confident, happy and ready for the day. When I stepped into my classroom, my coworker greeted me and then asked if I had heard. I shook my head, "no". My coworker spelled out a name, I nodded, and she said, "She tested positive." In that precise moment, my anxiety level went through the roof and for the rest of the week, it was all that I could do to get to the weekend.
I had a couple of panic attacks during January and the trigger, I believe, was COVID. They rattled me enough that I called both my sister and my mom to talk with them about my going back to therapy. The problem was being able to afford it. They both had great ideas and it was my mom's recommendation in which the stars aligned. I am now back to therapy and am so grateful that finances have turned out to not be an issue whatsoever.
We're now halfway through February and I've hardly noticed. The last two weeks at work have been over the top but, I will say, that it was a joy to help a little boy try to understand his grandfather's death. It's an experience that I am not afraid of and am equipped with solid resources to be able to handle professionally. It was still been exhausting but the little boy is doing very well. Beyond professional life, my involvement in music ministry at Church has become my favorite thing and an answer to prayer. (With nephews now the ages of my students, family dinners no longer count as my fun thing for the weekend. Music has more than taken its place!)
Today the weather is quite dreary and dull and I'm enjoying a good moment's rest in the middle of the month. The remainder of the month looks to be more lowkey than what the first half was, which I am grateful for. And so where my fears of feeling February were, there's only joy. Joy for the surprises that Our Lord has already graced me with this year and joy for having so many great musical things to look forward to for the foreseeable future. The Lord is faithful. I am grateful.
