I suspect many of us think of triggers as things that are to be avoided — I know I do. Well, I did. The turning point for me was while I was recovering from a panic attack that I suffered on Valentine’s day this year.
I was at work when it happened and was completely blindsided by it. My doctor encouraged me to stay home from work the next day to rest; one of my dearest friends (who is a clinical psychologist) disagreed. She encouraged or, really, challenged me to go to work anyway. “Teach your brain that work is safe,” she said. “You can do it. I believe in you!”. I kinda hated her for it — I mean, resting at home for the day was totally appealing! But I chose to listen to her. Step by step, moment by moment, despite immense emotional pain, I did it. I accomplished everything on my to-do list that day — including driving 20 miles to see my Spiritual Director and back again to get to work. My brain felt like there were fireworks going off in there and I was struggling against thoughts that were telling me I would have another panic attack, faint, and life was too hard but, instead of giving up, I successfully embraced the struggle and showed my brain that life is good, I’m safe, and I love my job.
Did you know that avoiding triggers is actually not the healthiest thing? When I desperately wanted to stay home to rest, I knew I was heading straight into a panic disorder. I was nervous to leave the house in case I had a blood sugar drop and no food or medicine on hand, then end up in a panic attack. I did not want any of that (the disorder, the attack or the lack of preparedness) to happen so I chose to listen to my friend, put my big girl pants on and do life anyway.
Then today happened.
Today saw me in a part of town where I used to live and work (before I suffered my mental breakdown). It’s far enough away from where I now live that I never actually have to be in the area and close enough that I can easily go there if needed. Today I wanted to go: it meant a fun hike by the water with a friend.
Now this area of town is the grand central of triggers for me. I thought that merely seeing the places where I lived and worked in that season of life right before the mental breakdown would wreck me. It didn’t. To my utter surprise and astonishment, I was overwhelmed with gratitude! I visited the school where I used to work. I walked the field where I spent many of my lunch breaks sitting on a picnic blanket that I always kept in my car. I gazed through the fence into the yard where I spent many hours supervising recess. I went into the Church and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the names of the First Communicants that were listed there on a bulletin board: these children were only 4 years old when I left them! Gratitude filled me for the time that I had with them, for the ways I grew as a person there, and even for the path that I’ve been on since I left. I needed therapy to help me heal in order to live a more abundant life and I’m grateful for the path that brought me there.
This moment was so significant for me because I’ve always wondered if I would be strong enough to visit those places again. I’ve wondered if it would wreck me. I’ve wondered how it’s possible that I can encourage someone who feels like they are drowning in depression and anxiety but I can’t face the people who hurt me then. Now I know the truth and I’ve forgiven them.
They haven’t asked for my forgiveness — they might not even know the depth at which they hurt me! But I can free myself from this grip of bitterness by forgiving them in the Name of Jesus. It’s been 2 1/2 years since my mental breakdown and that season of life ended. Know this: there’s nothing wrong with taking time to heal. Time is a gift from God who created it. Today I saw even more clearly that God is greater than the anxiety and the triggers. I was strong enough to visit a place that I’d forgotten I loved and I’m stronger now for having done so.
Face those fears. Do the thing you think you cannot do. But remember to be gentle with yourself. Practice makes perfect! Start today.
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Many of my followers over on Instagram have asked to hear more of my story. I am going to share it! I’ve written it in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series “Letters to Women”. (If you’re not a woman and you’re interested in reading it then there’s no need to worry: you can totally read my letter.) I will find out in July when the letter will be published.
When it is published, I need your help! I wrote the letter for the hearts of those who are suffering silently and I need your help to reach them. Please share my letter! You never know who will click on a link and what will resonate with them. And in the meantime, please join me in praying for everyone who will read the letter.
Love you all!
