By Samantha Kopy
It was honestly an incredible miracle that I found the Catholic Church. I visited so many others and searched for years for the Truth, and when I was 17 I said yes and was Baptized. I was finally home. But soon after, I battled one of the biggest, longest and scariest battles of my life so far: scrupulosity.
It turns out, being in a state of grace didn’t magically make my childhood wounds disappear. The anxiety I had unknowingly struggled with since grade school suddenly became manifest in a very specific way through my newfound faith (but I had no idea it was mental illness and not...just me). I became intensely fearful of going to hell. I was incredibly aware of how little I knew about the faith and I was so, so afraid I would do something serious without knowing it and damn myself eternally. I became obsessive about my thoughts and had intrusive blasphemous thoughts constantly. If I was doing something while I had one (for example, picking up a shirt), I would repetitively do that action while mentally rejecting the thought until it went away. There were other symptoms and thoughts I struggled with but this was the biggest one for me.
At this point in my life, I was going to confession multiple times a week — sometimes multiple times a day. It was embarrassing and I knew something was wrong but I was stuck. I couldn’t get passed the fear of going to hell; I was worried if I told someone what I was struggling with and got help that I would then relax too much and commit a mortal sin and go to hell. I decided I’d rather live in a constant state of anxiety than risk going to hell.
Never once, though, did it occur to me that this could be the manifestation of a mental illness. Priests never suggested in confession that I could be struggling with scrupulosity. Heck, I didn’t even know what scrupulosity was at the time!!
I was filled with so much shame.
It’s incredible sad. I believed God would rather have me live an anxious life that “pleased” Him...when he really created me for freedom in Him. I was not living in His freedom whatsoever; I was so obsessed with staying away from mortal sin that I didn’t have any energy left to actual live the abundant life He promised me.
I wish I could tell you that I went to therapy, got on meds, and found true healing that way. But honestly...I kinda “forced” myself to “get better” on my own before I even had the chance to seek help in the ways I probably should have.
However, I know one of the things that helped was Divine Mercy.
I immersed myself in St. Faustina’s Diary of Divine Mercy and began praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy frequently. My mind was BLOWN that mercy is the greatest attribute of God. I asked myself if I was living as if it was — and I wasn’t. I was living as if I believed that judgement was.
This post — my story — it’s not going to heal you. But my hope and prayer for you is that it helps you feel less alone in this battle, less crazy, and gives you a glimmer of hope.
So...what will heal you? Well, first of all, admitting to yourself that something is wrong. Secondly, reaching out for help. Potentially a combination of therapy, and meds but also...
I highly recommend diving into learning more about Divine Mercy and praying the chaplet daily. The Lord will work through these to heal your mind and heart. All I can say is God created you for MORE; more than just to do the bare minimum and “squeak” into heaven--He desires you to start living the freedom and joy of heaven now — on earth! And scrupulosity has no part in that.
P.S. If you feel alone in your struggle with scrupulosity and feel you have no one who understands, please feel free to DM over on IG @samantha_kopy.
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Sam, thank you so much for sharing your heart and story with us! God bless you!
The Feast of Divine Mercy is this Sunday! I pray that you immerse yourself in His mercy in a new way and accept even more His deep, personal love for you. -Sarah
Let’s keep in touch!
Email: sarahtheresetypes@gmail.com
IG: @sarahloutherese
