Why I’m Glad I Failed Lent This Year

Prior to Lent, perfectionist me saw a lot about my life that could be a lot better. I wanted healthier routines and it really all boils down to desiring healthier routines. I didn’t like that I was watching movies on my phone or ipad in bed an hour or more after I had turned out the lights... and then was frustrated by how many times I pushed snooze the following morning. My prayer life was also suffering and the anxiety harder to cope with. I was frustrated with myself and saw Lent as the perfect opportunity to establish those healthier routines.

So that’s exactly how I approached Lent this year. I started out strong but I was surprised that it did nothing to increase my overall happiness. I was still frustrated and - to my even greater surprise - about three weeks in I realized that I had gotten discouraged to the point of struggling to get out of bed in the morning. But these routines that I was trying to establish were good and healthy, so why was I not feeling more alive?

Right at that halfway through Lent mark, I decided to let go of almost everything I was trying to do. The only things I continued doing were Liturgy of the Hours (Morning, Evening and Night prayers), offering my days for priests, and weekly Eucharistic holy hours. I also felt a tug on my heart toward the Psalms, so I started reading/journaling through them. Simultaneously, I stumbled on this Scripture from Lamentantations 3:23: “God’s mercies.... are new each morning”. This completely changed my perspective. What I loved so deeply about it all was that it was so simple and the simplicity was beautiful.

And you know what happened? As I let go of my own expectations and recognized that each sunrise is a new opportunity and not a continued failure of yesterday, my joy increased. As healthy as the routines I had tried to establish were, the specifics weren’t what brings me the most joy. For example: I typically prefer listening to music before sleeping and the only reading I really do is Night Prayer. (I’m an auditory learner and a musician so while audio books are an option, what’s most relaxing for me is listening to good music.)

The anxiety, I learned, was largely due to a new mold allergy. Who knew that one can grow into allergies? Apparently that’s actually a thing and my body’s response when exposed to mold is panic. My chiropractor shared an article with me on this very topic which explained that allergies can sometimes be confused as mental illness due to the body’s response of panic. With this new information, I began taking probiotics and a seasonal allergy medication and, very quickly, started feeling much more alive. (Praise the Lord!)

Frankly, I didn’t fail Lent this year. It merely wasn’t at all what I expected it to be - and it turned out to be much better!