Hello, my dear readers! Today I’m so excited to introduce a new series on my blog called Friendship and Anxiety and, with it, one of my dearest friends, Samantha!
Sam and I met in high school after she started attended my Church’s youth group out of interest in converting to Catholicism. She did convert and, a couple of years later, we started becoming really good friends. Although we know there was somewhat of a defining moment of our friendship, we’re not entirely sure what or when that was (we have two different stories!). Regardless, we began making a weekly habit of Confession and dinner together every Wednesday – this while I was in my first year of college locally and she was in her Senior year of high school. As our friendship grew, so did our frequency of seeing each other and soon we were going to daily Mass and breakfast randomly together, too. There was such opportunity for conversation and growth – centered around the Sacraments which created a beautiful foundation of virtuous friendship (as is described in Dr. Edward Sri’s book Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love). Once Sam left for college, we maintained our friendship through phone calls and Skype – sometimes praying the rosary together! We made it work and have successfully stayed in touch over the years. Sam, I’m so excited about this series and thrilled to welcome you to the blog!
Hello everyone! I am so honored to be here. I grew up in a broken home, which led my heart in my teen years to Christ, and as my search for truth continued, to the Catholic Church, which has been my home for 8 years now. Looking back on my childhood I probably struggled with anxiety from about 12 years of age, though I didn’t know what to call it. I was afraid of it and often just tried to “get over it” out of fear of ridicule. I never received treatment for anxiety and was overall high functioning. I graduated from a challenging high school program, went on to study nursing at Franciscan University and graduate with honors; I am currently working a medical nurse in Pittsburgh with my husband and 6 month old baby. It is only now, 6 months postpartum, over a decade after my first brush with anxiety, where I am now seeking formal treatment. Sarah has been an inspiration to me in her battle with mental illness, and seeing her live her life abundantly has given me hope.
Sarah here, again - We’ve written this post and the next one as little interviews. The third post is scheduled to go live on Good Friday and, in it, I’ll tell a little bit more of my story. On the Friday before Divine Mercy Sunday, we’ll close the series with Sam sharing a little bit more of her story. It’s been beautiful to discover how well timed this series is with the Liturgical calendar and how our individual stories correlate so well to these particular celebrations.
And now, our little interview on how anxiety has affected our friendship:
Briefly – did you know you had anxiety when you became friends?
SARAH – No. Over the course of a decade, my ignorance of my anxiety hardened into denial of it. I’ll expand on this in a later post but my denial eventually led to an enormous mental breakdown.
SAM- Yes and no. I knew that I had had “panic attacks” in the past, but I was unaware of how anxiety permeated my everyday life.
How does anxiety affect your friendships, both together and with others?
SARAH- Most of my friendships are long-distance/virtual and most of them are at least 5 years old. If this indicates anything, it tells me that making new friends is hard and for several reasons: it’s hard to go to events - even if it’s an event that you’ve been to many times before and you know you love - and it’s harder than that to go to new events. Since most of my friends are long-distance, it’s hard to text someone and ask if they’re available on Thursday night to go to a small group at a nearby Church. You would think maintaining friendships with old friends would be relatively easy since it involves an email, text message, or even a handwritten letter. But picking up the phone to call someone and say hello… tap “send” and then sit there listening to the ring… the suspension is enough to make me want to hang up! Better to just text and add a few more exclamation points to indicate my excitement to hear from them. The other major obstacle for me is my fear of any form of travel. I’m a staple to my hometown – luckily I live in a suburb of DC and it’s a common place for people to visit. I don’t take many road trips but when I do, I have to be with someone. This is anxiety-provoking when I remember that most of my friends are long distance to begin with.
SAM- Anxiety definitely has made it harder to make and keep friends. I can find myself becoming so comfortably staying at home, not talking to anyone, immersing myself in my current netflix binge. I often don’t realize how anxious I was about calling someone or going to an event until I’m there, and I feel a great burden lifted off my shoulders; a sigh of relief. And unfortunately, when my anxiety is at it’s height, it just makes me isolate myself more; I’m often unaware of it as I’m doing it. I also get anxious about DOING ALL THE THINGS so friendships can often take a backseat as I busy myself, with, well, everything.
How do you support each other? (Answer in the context of respecting boundaries and self-care)
SARAH – Sam is a young wife and new mom and that right there is cause for both decreasing and increasing how frequently we are in touch. Due to my tendency to apologize too much, whenever she apologizes for missing a phone call, etc. I always remind her that she’s a mom and her cute son comes before me and that’s ok. Simultaneously, I understand the loneliness of desiring adult conversation (I am single but I’m also a preschool teacher). We also give each other a lot of positive interaction/feedback on our social media posts. This, for me, is really fun because we both have a good following and I enjoy following someone who I’m actually good friends with IRL.
Regarding self-care, I’m still learning the best ways to engage in self-care for myself. I’m currently reading a book called It’s Ok to Start With You which is authored by a Catholic Therapist and is about self-care from a Catholic perspective. The biggest thing I want to learn and have a good grasp on is self-care does not necessarily equate spending lots of money on yourself.
SAM - It’s definitely a balance- knowing when to ask for help and when to give it. A balance of knowing I need my space, or sacrificing that to reach out to Sarah when I know it would bless her to hear from me, even if my anxiety makes it challenging at the time. And vice versa--respecting that Sarah may need some time even if I want to chat. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt and remembering we are both on this journey is helpful.
How has anxiety affected the seasons of your friendship?
SARAH – For years, I held onto this mentality that if someone wanted to hang out with me, they’d just ask. I constantly expected to be the recipient of any invitation. This, coupled with my natural introversion and ignorance/denial of the anxiety, and it should come as no surprise that I had fewer real-life friends, a greater sense of loneliness, and more and more isolation. In short, this mentality has been very detrimental.
So here is my advice to current-me and you, dear reader: be the friend you wish you had. If you don’t ask, the answer is always ‘no’; be the friend who picks up the phone and calls just to say ‘hello!’ — and extends the invitation. Be the friend who surprises someone with a flower delivery or care package. Remember: it really doesn’t need to be much. A little bit truly goes a long way. It’s really the effort and the thought that counts, as cliche as that might sound but it’s totally true. I think Sam and I both agree that it’s amazing just how much hearing the other’s voice over the phone brightens our days.
SAM – I think when we both struggled the most we were the least in touch. It’s funny how people ask their friends to “call me if you need me!” but really, when we need people the most we rarely have the strength and self awareness to ask for help, let alone talk to people. My advice to you would be if your friends are suddenly very quiet--don’t just assume they’re busy. Reach out to them and really ask them how they are--they may not even know they’re struggling, and you just helping them to realize that may be the biggest gift.
________________________________________________________________
Friends! Thank you so much for joining us today! We have 3 more posts to share with you over the month of April. We’re going to be open and honest and pray that it helps you (and us!) to live more abundantly.
We’d love to connect with you!
Sarah’s IG - @sarahloutherese
Sam’s IG - @samantha_kopy
See you there!
God love and bless you!
