The timing of this song on the radio was perfect: I was driving to a training for work but, because I had anticipated carpooling with a coworker (I hate driving [to unknown places]) my anxiety was heightened over the fact that I was now suddenly driving by myself. I had found out last-minute that illness prevented my coworker’s attendance and my immediate thought had been that it clearly meant I couldn’t go anymore either. But just as soon as I had the thought, I realized that it was a lie, so I took a deep breath and readied myself for the day. I prepared my travel mug of black tea like I do every day, put on some essential oils (to my Young Living friends: Valor and Breathe Again), grabbed a couple of protein bars and left 45 minutes early for the training that was only 15 minutes away. (Punctuality - or straight up being early - is one of my coping skills). The radio was on in the car, as it often is, and set to the local Christian station. Initially, while I looked at Google Maps again, I wasn’t really listening to it but then I tuned in just in time to hear the resounding bridge sung: “My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in your love.” I loved it so much that, instead of reading my book before the training began, I looked up the lyrics and continued to reflect on them. I knew the artist was on to something. Inspired by the message of the song, I began counting little successes as the day progressed:
During the training (which was a seminar), my already-heightened anxiety triggered even more for a couple of reasons: the crowd and my delicate blood sugar. So when I felt like I really needed to, I stood up and walked to the back of the room. Success #1: I knew it was ok to move and comfortable enough to act on it. My anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.
While I stood in the back trying to relax my body, I ate a few bites of what was left of one of the protein bars then walked around a little breathing deeply to get myself grounded again. Once calmer, I found a little room that was removed from the larger crowd but close enough to still hear everything and I sat down in there to continue taking notes during the talk. Success #2: I was ok with doing what I needed to do to be comfortable. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.
I soon realized that the protein bar wasn’t good enough for my blood sugar so I began wondering whether I’d have to leave early or if I should drive around the mall to find a grocery. Then I noticed that there was a little cafe (the seminar was at a hotel) with a buffet off to the side of the reception area so I got up and went to ask someone behind the counter about the cost. It was somewhat expensive but worth every penny to take care of myself. Success #3: If you don’t ask, the answer is always ‘no’. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.
When that first talk was over, I returned to my seat and my coworkers to retrieve my purse and go back to the buffet. One of my coworkers had a hankering for some bacon so I got some for her. I told her that I hadn’t had much for breakfast and felt like I really needed to eat something and her facial expression was all encouragement as she responded, “Oh, good for you!” Success #4: I used the resources at hand to give my body what it needed to continue successfully normalizing. When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.
Typically, after I’ve controlled my anxiety, I’m still afraid to return to wherever I was when the anxiety triggered. This meant that I wouldn’t go back to sit with my coworkers for the remainder of the seminar. But this seemed rude to me and it’s been a goal of mine to overcome this fear, so I gently told myself: “You’ve done everything so well and have successfully taken great care of yourself this morning. Good for you! It’s ok to stay out more but it’s been a goal of yours for a while to overcome this fear. Start now. If you have to leave again, that’s ok. Try again next time. But start now”. That positive self-talk worked and so, after reapplying my essential oils and checking my breathing, I walked confidently back into the seminar. I sat with my coworkers and enjoyed our little commentary throughout the presentation. When I felt a little unsteady, I reached into my purse and grabbed that banana I’d saved from the buffet. And I stayed for the remainder of the training. This felt like my greatest success of the day! When I stand in God’s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.
I’ve recently noticed that I’m increasingly confident in my ability to ulitize appropriate coping skills when I need them whether that means standing up and walking around when I’m actually inclined to be a statue, accepting others’ charity (oh, gosh, do you know how hard this is?), or making myself remove a layer or two regardless of how much I like the outfit (no worries - I’m LOLing at myself). Counting these little successes in the context of the song kept the wheels turning (literally...).
Driving home (raise your hand if you caught my humor) from the training, I got to thinking about my experiences of the morning and, in the context of the song, what I could learn from it. I noticed my enhanced confidence with coping skills and realized, also, that I’m good at them. But that doesn’t actually make it any easier. Anxiety - regardless of the level at which you experience it - is a beast and there’s nothing easy about it. Utilizing coping skills is hard work and so is getting anxiety back under control. Feeling steady on your feet again feels like a longer trip than you bargained for. But the song’s message full of hope and conviction, and the knowledge of what I’m capable of, gives me confidence and great hope in my ability to successfully cope with my anxiety.
It ain’t easy. But it is worth it. When I stand in God’ s love, my anxiety doesn’t stand a chance!
The discipline of Lent? It ain’t easy. But it is worth it. Jesus says, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (Cf. John 5:15) When we stand in God’s love, nothing else stands a chance!
Praying you have a blessed a fruitful Lenten journey!
_________________________________________________________
Let’s stay in touch! Instagram: @sarahloutherese
