Why I'm Glad I Went to a 12 Step Group When I Did

My brother and I were still living with our parents -- post his college graduation and my mental breakdown -- when this conversation happened. The four of us were having dinner together; I don't remember how we got on the topic, only that we discussed how my sister (who has a Masters in Psychology) is of the opinion that everyone ought to participate in a 12 step program because they're so helpful.

At this point in my life, I had just finished doing a show - my first show in more than 12 years and my very first show as musician - and, although my mental health had been stable for over a year, my stress level was still elevated from the show. That being said, I surprised myself by announcing that I'd be quite fine with going to a 12 step group -- if one existed for people with mental health struggles (I didn't want to go to an AA meeting even though I'm told that everyone is welcome there). And so from there, I emailed the therapist that I was seeing at the time and asked her if she knew of any 12 step groups that would be good for me. She knew of two; one was Emotions Anonymous (which I know nothing about) and the other was Celebrate Recovery. I got on Celebrate Recovery's website, found contact info for the group that was closest to me and emailed the leader. I received a warm, welcoming and inviting email back and, due to a previously scheduled conflict, put it on my calendar to go in a couple of weeks.

The day of, I went to work, per usual, and was insanely anxious the whole day in anticipation of going into something so unknown by myself. I was so determined to do it, though, so I took my emergency medication to help me calm down and texted my family to ask them for prayers. While the seconds ticked away at work, I was amused that I didn't mind any of the children's behavior since it worked as such a great distraction for me.

And then I went. It was one of the first times following my breakdown that I went to a new place for the first time without having driven there the day before to figure out where it was (my intention being to give myself one less thing to be anxious about). This time, I drove confidently and parked out of sight of the door. A few minutes before the meeting began, I finally took a deep breath and walked through the doors like I knew what I was doing. I walked up to a couple of people who were sitting at a table chatting. It turns out that one of them was the group's leader (who I had emailed) and the other a woman who would be in my small share group. I was warmly welcomed and was immediately aware of a strange confidence I had, despite my anxiety, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

The meeting went very well. I felt loved, included and understood. When I returned home, I told my mom that I would be going back the following week. And I did!

I attended every week for an entire year before COVID hit and in that time I formed friendships with people who I saw myself being friends with and even a few who I thought I'd never be friends with. Two of the girls I met there are now my best friends and, with a couple of other girls who we've brought in through different connections, we now do weekly movie nights. And each week as we're watching the movie, it's a wonder to me how I got here. Before my childhood best friend died, I was so lively and outgoing. Then, for 12 years, I lived in ignorance of the anxiety and isolation that I experienced every day. I finally got to therapy but only after a mental breakdown. Then came a show which gave me the courage to go to a 12 step group and I'm now the happiest I've been since childhood!

These life experiences and choices have been hard and, at times, excruciating but today I can confidently say that absolutely all of it has been so worth it. And Celebrate Recovery? Going was one of the best choices of my entire life.

I'm no longer able to allow comments on individual posts but you are welcome to email me your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you! Keep your heart up!

SARAHFIDDL3R@GMAIL.COM

The Beauty of Vulnerability

It was, to me, a profoundly moving moment. I watched her face move from sorrow to devastation to tears she just could not hold back and I was shocked that her words almost didn’t even seem to reflect her emotions.

Sobbing, she said, “Please don’t leave me alone. Please reach out to me. I’m just really scared that I’ll always be alone.” My heart was breaking for her but simultaneously I was filled with awe and wonder. This girl was doing something I had never, ever done before: in all my years of isolation, anxiety, depression,  and loneliness, never once had I been brave enough to ask people to reach out to me. I was afraid of rejection. I believed that no one saw me, wanted me, or cared enough to care about me. Now in this moment, I was absolutely in awe of the strength and courage that she showed in her fear and vulnerability.

She taught me that it’s always ok to ask for help. I’ve recognized that the main fear that holds me back from asking is others’ reactions to my need. “How can you be so stupid as to not already know this?” are the lies that swim around in my head. “You’re better off Googling the answer and figuring it out for yourself. Spare yourself the embarrassment of their reaction.” Or perhaps ask anyway and the relationship that that invites opens the door to all kinds of possibility! Maybe you’ll create an inside joke or stumble on something awesome that you never knew you had in common with the other.

I remind my little preschoolers a million times a day to use their words. I wonder how much my life could change for the better if I practice what I preach? The art of communication can be so daunting —  right? —  but art invites creativity. Fear is suffocating and crippling. Mold thrives in darkness but shrinks away in the light.

As I watched her tears stream down her face, I thought how beautiful it is that she was fighting against despair. Her words and her tears showed that she had no intention of living in the darkness. And let me say this: I don’t think it’s an accident that tears are shaped like seeds. Allow them, give them the proper care, and watch them blossom into the seemingly impossible, beautiful reality of what God intended them to be.

Grieving a Loved One Who has Completed Suicide

After my letter was published, I received many messages from readers, several with some really hard questions. With the holidays approaching, I thought it might be a good time to share one of them in particular, one that was about grieving a loved one who had completed suicide.

I want to be very clear here and say first that I've never known someone personally who has completed suicide. I know people who have stopped themselves from attempting, people who have died from accidental overdoses, people who have been killed in line of duty and people who have died naturally. I do know what it's like to be suicidal and so my answer to this question comes from my experiences of coping with my own mental illness as well as my experiences with grief.

This dear reader shared with me that the hardest part for her about grieving a loved one who has completed suicide is struggling with all of the "What if I had known?" questions.

I want you to know, dear reader, that gentleness and kindness are both fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians chapter 5). Perhaps you're in turmoil right now and that's completely understandable; I really encourage you to pray and ask the Holy Spirit for an increase of gentleness and kindness with yourself in your own life.

There's truly no need to be hard on yourself over the "What if" and "If I had only known" questions - being hard on yourself is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit. You did the best you could with the information that you had. Now you have a beautiful opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and Mary who both knew the anguish of grief so very, very deeply.

Allow them into your suffering. It oftentimes helps me to ponder a story of Jesus from the Bible and to stand there in the story, with Mary by my side (regardless of whether or not Scripture says she was actually there). Let Mary share her heart with you as you gaze upon Jesus. Let her wrap her arms around you at the foot of the Cross. She knows the heart of her Son better than anyone and she knows your heart, too.

Know that you are so loved by a God who is bigger than mental illness, bigger than the questions and fears, and who has already conquered death.

Cultivating Friend Groups

Everyone loves a good story. There’s the intrigue of getting to know the characters, the excitement of figuring out the plot, and the satisfaction of a good ending — even better when there’s a strong, powerful underlying moral. Hearing a good story for the very first time is how I perceive getting to know a friend.

Oftentimes, we meet people within a particular context and, with that, comes many assumptions that I’m assuming are mutually assumed. When you meet someone new at your Church, you likely assume that they share the same Faith denomination as you which can potentially lead to subsequent assumptions of their political opinions and moral standards. My challenge and something that I am working on in my own life is to stop assuming and start asking questions. Put more directly, turn your assumptions into questions and ask them as such. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to learn that you’ve assumed wrong, perhaps you’ll find yourself in the middle of a really great conversation, or perhaps you’ll discover that you have a lot in common with each other.

One of my favorite things is asking couples how they met. The story oftentimes begins by them saying “We met at Church/a concert/a bar/blind date/ at school/at work/etc.” then they take turns answering the question of why they were there by telling the circumstances of what led them to be at Church that particular time, why they went to that concert, the bar, who set them up on the blind date and why they agreed to it, why they went to that school, what led to their employment at that particular job, etc. That backstory really can set the tone for the friendship to unfold.

My challenge to you, my dear readers, and to myself is to intentionally cultivate friendships now while you’re living in the gap. You have the time (if you don’t have the time then you’re either lying to yourself or there’s an imbalance somewhere in your life where you might need to reconsider your priorities) and I promise you that you won’t regret it. I would personally rather be hurt by a friend than miserable and lonely. Further, I’ve watched my older siblings experience some really hard things that life can throw at you and their experiences of them would be vastly difference sans support from the groups of friends which they have cultivated over time.

And there’s my final thought: give yourself time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Persevere through time and allow yourself to one day be surprised when you realize that you have friends — and really, really good friends! The brilliance of a well-written story isn’t limited to the intelligence of one person. The author gathers ideas over time, is inspired by friends and other experiences who don’t even know the profound affect they’re having on the author and then the story is finally written. You are a necessary, beautiful part of your friends’ stories — and your own! Enjoy the time you have to get to know yourself and your friends (both new and old), cherish the memories and take the time every day to express gratitude for beauty of your story and all of the characters in it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!