How I Managed to Continue Feeling Great While Being Overwhelmed

We all know the feeling: there are a million things on the checklist and they all have to get done. Like, yesterday.

A few months ago I had a checklist of three significant things that needed to be done by the end of the month. Only one of them was critical within the timeframe; the others were simply important to me. Per usual, I stressed myself out at the thought of them. So I took a really deep breath, then said aloud “Sarah, which of these is THE most important?”

The car. If that state inspection didn’t get done then I’d have a ticket before too long and one of the stressing factors about getting the car taken care of was my dislike of spending any amount of money. All right, take another deep breath, find an available morning in the first two weeks of the month, schedule the appointment for bright and early (get it done sooner in more ways than one!) and get it done. CHECK! It was all taken care of by the 10th of the month and I no longer had to worry about the possibility of a ticket.

Next, I asked myself which of my next two things sparked the most joy in me since neither of them was time sensitive. That one was harder than I thought! Here was my dilemma: I’m a musician and I finally - after 10 years - had an opportunity to get back into violin lessons, this time with a new teacher and a different style of playing. The violin is the love of my life so this seemed an obvious runner up to the car in light of “What sparks the most joy.” But actually, my choice was a haircut.

My hair was about mid-back in length and I don’t enjoy getting haircuts. It’s not for fear of a bad haircut; it’s actually due to my breaakdown happening at the end of a haircut. I wanted to get back into music lessons but I wanted to really enjoy them, even if they proved to be hard. My hair was long and heavy enough that headaches were happening with increasing frequency even when I wasn’t doing anything. So I called the hair salon while still on the high of checking the car off my to-do list and scheduled that appointment. While still on the high of accomplishing another hard thing, I emailed my soon-to-be music instructor and we confirmed a lesson time slot without yet committing to a starting week.

I realize that the lessons learned and successes of these accomplishments are not a one and done deal. I’ll continue to have anxiety and the car will probably stress me out year after year because that’s what it does. Haircuts might sometimes be enjoyable and other times not so much. This year, I’m proud of myself for personalizing the word “adulting” so well and accomplishing these hurdles without having any panic attacks. Breathing through it, prioritizing well, and appropriate self care really do go a long way towards living an abundant life!

My First Airplane Experience was...

… terrific!

The lodge where we stayed. Makes me dream of the Sound of Music!

We'd been planning this trip to Colorado to visit my sister for almost 2 years and I'm still not sure that I can actually believe that it really happened. Two years ago, I was still in the very earliest stages of recovery after my mental breakdown and the prospect of getting on an airplane (something I'd never done before) seemed literally impossible to me. In fact, I was pretty sure that my family -- if this really happened -- would simply go without me. And I was more or less ok with that at the time.

You may remember this post about how Eleanor Roosevelt helped form my approach to anxiety in which I used my real-life fear of airplanes as an analogy for finding freedom; I linked to it in my most recent post in which I announced that one of my top goals for this blog (namely, to write a post about the first time I went flying) was about to come to fruition. For context, I've pretty much always had a fear of flying and absolutely no experience with it. Forms of transportation such as driving and the DC metro stress me out regularly so I figured that something grand and adventurous like airports and airplanes would be the death of me.

Then my breakdown happened and life seemed literally impossible (you probably know that I just wanted to end it all). But then, as I sat in that "dentist" chair receiving TMS therapy (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) for mental illness, my eyes almost constantly wandered to that poster on the door with that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt -- "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" -- and I could not shake the image of me in an airplane (sans destination. The important part was airports and airplanes).

In short, my perceived inability to do airports (which was about 90% of my fear) was a huge obstacle in my life.

My younger sister flew out to Colorado several days before the rest of us and she kindly sent me play-by-play videos of as much as she could of her airport experience. That was incredibly helpful. But the pearl of wisdom from her that helped me the most was the text message that told me that airports are simpler than the metro. I can't even express the amount of anxiety that left me when I read that. And I found it to be entirely true.

Sunrise behind us flying West; hiking with our nephew to build a snowman; view from the lodge

As far as 9/11 was concerned, I really didn't struggle with a fear of death or catastrophe. If the thought crossed my mind, I simply reminded myself that there have been many, many more successful and safe flights and people hop on airplanes to just about anywhere all the time. I also have a favorite quote from the movie Sully that I was looking forward to discovering for myself. Early in the movie, Sully and his co-pilot are in the cockpit. Just as they're getting to cruising height and before the bird strike, Sully sighs, taking in the beauty of the day and the sight of the Hudson River, saying "Life is so much simpler up here," and his co-pilot contentedly agrees. I've never flown an airplane before and don't ever expect to, but I think I now know the feeling they experience.

The only part that I didn't like much  (I'd call it the most frustrating part of the whole experience -- more so than the kid sitting behind me on the first flight who would occasionally kick the back of my seat) was looking down at the ground and having absolutely no idea what State we were flying over.

We hiked a mountain, built a snowman, then hiked back

My favorite part? I'm no extrovert but I love people and learning about their creative sides. One of the things that got me through the airport experiences was observing all the systems in action (which also helped me to stay in the moment and not worry about the next step). From checking bags and not seeing them again until baggage claim (someone had to think of that idea and create a system) to why on earth anyone would want a job that I cannot understand desiring (TSA people... God bless you!), it just fascinated me to see the fruits of others' creative geniuses.

I love seeing and meeting new people because I'm so curious about their life story up to the point where our paths cross and, of course, beyond.

At our terminal, watching the plane leave before our own arrived to take us back to Virginia

I was especially grateful to the pilots and flight attendants who were so incredibly friendly (my 2 year old nephew was crying for his dinner as we boarded our flight home and one of the attendants said that she'd be crying, too, if someone were delaying her dinner) and I wondered about their lives, too. I'm curious about where they woke up in the morning, where they'll sleep and how long they've been away from their loved ones. Not one of them gave me the impression that they'd rather have a different job or that they were having a bad day (I understand that that is professional but humor me, please). It was incredible to be in the care of such kind people... and I think I can now understand the desire to be a flight attendant (but, no, I will not be switching jobs).

Overall, an experience I'm very glad to have had. In fact, the writing of this post now seems somewhat trivial. Nonetheless, I'm very proud of myself for doing something I thought I couldn't do and I look forward to my life becoming even more unrecognizable in the future.

Lord, find me grateful!

"Would You Rather...?"

I recently started a new job at my job and, with it, comes all the expected and not expected changes and transitions of going from a 30 to a 40 hour work week. I love it, though, and I'm so grateful that God knows my heart better than I do because this happened just in time for me to spend most of my day with what is so far one of the sweetest classes I've ever worked with in my 8 years of teaching.

As I said, it's been a shift in the schedule -- 40 hours is pretty different from 30 -- and I was nervous about building up the stamina but confident that I could do it. So, for the last couple of weeks, I've been playing little games of "Would You Rather?" with myself. It's all about cause and effect and my goal is to help myself make the better choice in the moment so as to live life more abundantly... and have less frustration with myself to suffer over the following 12-24 hours. 

Picture this: it's 9:30 at night, I know that I'm not a night owl and that I do best on about 8 hours of sleep. Sleep does not come easily for me so, if I lay down now, I'll hopefully succumb in about 45 minutes. But it'd be so easy to turn on Netflix for a little while. (As cheesy of an example as that sounds, it's an almost nightly choice for me.) Sarah, I ask myself, Would you rather watch Netflix now and possibly still be awake at 11 or 12 or take your meds, say Night Prayer, turn on your Nature Sounds to help you relax, and get a good night's sleep so that you are more ready for another day with your students tomorrow? 

Netflix loses every time.

Now picture this: I had plans to go see a movie over Labor Day weekend when a friend texted me on Friday night and asked if I'd like to go to a particular annual Labor Day weekend festival with her on Saturday at the exact time I was planning to see the movie. I almost texted her back immediately saying 'no'! Hold on, I said to myself, Sarah, would you rather go see a movie by yourself that is showing at other times or get together with your friend to go to this festival that you've heard about for years but have never gone to because you've never had a friend to go with?

Can I just say that it's amazing how obvious the right answer is when you take a moment to consider the bigger picture and ask yourself to answer the question honestly? We went to the festival and we both had an incredible time!

The first week of the new school year was long but so good because I did my best to make sure that I was well-rested every day, intentionally cultivated a spirit of gratitude. And this little game of "Would You Rather?" really did help me make the better decisions -- from not hitting the snooze button 5 days in a row to being more disciplined about my bedtime routines. This year was my 8th time starting a new school year in the role of a teacher and I dare to say it was the best first week of school yet! 

Lord, find me grateful!

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. 

When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

Also: I've recently made some changes behind the scenes on my blog. Consequently, it's possible that those of you who had subscribed to my blog via email will have to subscribe again if you would like to continue receiving my posts in your inbox. I did not foresee this when I made the changes and I apologize for the inconvenience.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Cultivating Friend Groups

Everyone loves a good story. There’s the intrigue of getting to know the characters, the excitement of figuring out the plot, and the satisfaction of a good ending — even better when there’s a strong, powerful underlying moral. Hearing a good story for the very first time is how I perceive getting to know a friend.

Oftentimes, we meet people within a particular context and, with that, comes many assumptions that I’m assuming are mutually assumed. When you meet someone new at your Church, you likely assume that they share the same Faith denomination as you which can potentially lead to subsequent assumptions of their political opinions and moral standards. My challenge and something that I am working on in my own life is to stop assuming and start asking questions. Put more directly, turn your assumptions into questions and ask them as such. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to learn that you’ve assumed wrong, perhaps you’ll find yourself in the middle of a really great conversation, or perhaps you’ll discover that you have a lot in common with each other.

One of my favorite things is asking couples how they met. The story oftentimes begins by them saying “We met at Church/a concert/a bar/blind date/ at school/at work/etc.” then they take turns answering the question of why they were there by telling the circumstances of what led them to be at Church that particular time, why they went to that concert, the bar, who set them up on the blind date and why they agreed to it, why they went to that school, what led to their employment at that particular job, etc. That backstory really can set the tone for the friendship to unfold.

My challenge to you, my dear readers, and to myself is to intentionally cultivate friendships now while you’re living in the gap. You have the time (if you don’t have the time then you’re either lying to yourself or there’s an imbalance somewhere in your life where you might need to reconsider your priorities) and I promise you that you won’t regret it. I would personally rather be hurt by a friend than miserable and lonely. Further, I’ve watched my older siblings experience some really hard things that life can throw at you and their experiences of them would be vastly difference sans support from the groups of friends which they have cultivated over time.

And there’s my final thought: give yourself time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Persevere through time and allow yourself to one day be surprised when you realize that you have friends — and really, really good friends! The brilliance of a well-written story isn’t limited to the intelligence of one person. The author gathers ideas over time, is inspired by friends and other experiences who don’t even know the profound affect they’re having on the author and then the story is finally written. You are a necessary, beautiful part of your friends’ stories — and your own! Enjoy the time you have to get to know yourself and your friends (both new and old), cherish the memories and take the time every day to express gratitude for beauty of your story and all of the characters in it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!

Investing in a Passion

Last year, I did a show. I portrayed a poor musician in a community theater production of A Christmas Carol that was set in St. Louis in the 1930s. I played fiddle.

Intending to be honest with the director, I told her that I was terrified even though, upon request, I had no lines to memorize. I do love my instrument but I hadn’t played consistently in a while. I love the arts but I hadn’t been on stage in 16 years and my anxiety had been under control for almost a year but I still had my doubts. The director told me that she understood and literally promised me that I would fall in love with the process and come away from the experience having completely enjoyed myself. I think that’s what she would tell just about anyone but, I will say, she’s known me for 20 years. I chose to trust her.

Before the show opened, it had been about 6 weeks of daily rehearsals and feeling simultaneously overwhelmed and excited by it all when I came across this quote while looking at jewelry on Amazon. The necklace that I never bought had this etched on it: “To play a wrong note is insignificant. To play without passion is inexcusable.” (-Beethoven) It was at the core of what the more experienced musicians around me were telling me but it was hard for me to believe (further, it was not what I expected any of them to say). At this point, though, I began to trust it — partially because Beethoven knows what he’s talking about. I didn’t want the necklace but I still made the quote look cute in my violin case.

The show was amazing. Frankly, I can’t believe how much I loved it and I’m so grateful. Afterwards, while watching a recording of the show, I finally saw what everyone had been telling me all along. All those notes that I missed on stage and was so worried about? I still noticed but I finally saw that it really didn’t matter. The violin merely faded for a couple of beats then came back strong (but that’s really only my opinion as someone with a trained ear. The audience most likely didn’t notice anything remotely amiss). What I saw was that none of the perfectionism in me that was rallying my anxiety was worth it. Perhaps my skill level does not equate to concert violinist — as I once dreamed it would — but I’m realizing how grateful I am for that.

For the first 3 years after graduating college, I was basically a workaholic. It wasn’t by choice and the extreme lack of a balanced lifestyle nearly killed me. But due to exhaustion and a somewhat shy, introverted nature, I never did anything other than work and isolate myself when not at work. While recovering from my mental breakdown and in the midst of therapy, I learned a lot about the importance of self-care. I began thinking of a balanced lifestyle from the perspective of self-care and even began considering going to work for a healthy amount of time at a time as self-care. When not at work, I knew what wasn’t healthy for me and so, steadily over the last couple of years, I’ve been learning that it’s good to have fun and investing in something I’m passionate about is a good compass for having fun.

I’m still figuring things out but my first big priority did become investing in something that I’m passionate about. Violin isn’t my only instrument — it’s not even my first instrument! — but it is the instrument that I’m most passionate about. While preparing for the show, I found out that a friend’s husband teaches violin and I was able to meet with him before getting into the thick of rehearsals to help me get back into practice. 

There are purchases — big and little — that I regret; I’ve never once regretted what’s ultimately learning more about violin. Violin has always been a great joy for my heart and I love sharing that joy when I have the opportunity to. Once upon a time, I dreamed of seeing my name in lights. Now, I don’t care whether or not that ever happens. What’s important to me is that I love playing and it’s a great joy to do so. I don’t ever want to forget it.

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Hey friends! Thanks for being here and reading along with my pursuit of an abundant life (cf John 10:10)! I’m excited to share that my story with mental illness, written in the form of a letter for the blog The Catholic Woman and their series Letters to Women, will be published there on September 25. Please join me in praying for the letter and for everyone who will read it. When it is published, I need your help! I hope that this letter reaches many hearts but I can’t do that by myself. Please share my letter when it is published. Sometimes what people won’t hear from their family members they will from someone else. This story isn’t so much about mental illness as it is about God’s love and mercy and how I came to find my home in his heart.

As always, I’m also over on Instagram and I enjoy connecting with you there! @sarahloutherese.

God bless, and keep your heart up!